Winter Wonderland

Authors: Sierra (AliasSydney502) and Mary (littleangel)
Genre: S/V
Summary: Change your mind, not your heart.
Disclaimer: Sydney, Vaughn, etc are properties of JJ Abrams and ABC. Not mine, unfortunately.
Thank You: To my awesome co-writer Mary, she’s a lot of fun to work with and a very talented writer.
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Chapters 1-10 // Chapters 11-20 // Chapters 21-30 // Chapters 31-34 + Epilogue

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Chapter 1


Her hands were shaking, her eyes were wide open. This couldn’t be true. It couldn’t. Not yet. She felt as if she were going to get sick. Sitting down on the rim of the bathtub, she looked down on the test again. It showed two pink stripes, so it really meant what she had been fearing for weeks.

She felt tears forming in her eyes. Why did this happen now? Why did it have to happen at all? She tried to get up but she couldn’t. Her legs felt like jelly and she was shaking.

She was pregnant.

Pregnant from Michael. Two weeks ago she would have been happy about that. No, enthusiastic, but not now. Now it was the worst thing that could have happened. Her mind went back to the scene she had to witness eight days ago.

Sydney slowly turned the key to their apartment. She was early, so she knew it would be a surprise for Michael. They hadn’t had much time for each other because they both worked while going to college to earn money, so Sydney had decided to leave work earlier today. When she walked in, she could hear angry voices in the living room.

One she recognized. It was Michael’s. The other one was the voice of a woman. She sounded familiar but she couldn’t figure out who it was. She took a few steps closer to the door. Sydney knew she shouldn’t be eavesdropping but she couldn’t help it.

“I told you it was an accident!” Michael shouted.

“So you want me to forget it, like it never happened?” The woman yelled at him.

“That’s exactly what I want you to do.” Michael tried to calm down. He needed to be focused to solve this.

“And what if I tell it your girlfriend Sydney?” She now threatened him.

Sydney moved even closer to the door. After hearing her name she wanted to know what this was about.

“You think that would change anything?” Michael laughed bitterly, “I love Sydney.”

“Didn’t stop you the other night.” She snapped at him.

“It happened once, it won’t happen ever again.” Michael hissed.

“What do you think Sydney will do if I tell her? Do you really think she would still want to be together with you?” She wouldn’t to give up.

“No, I don’t think so. But that doesn’t mean I will cheat on her again. So if you want to tell her, I can’t stop you, but I won’t sleep with you, or anyone else, again.” His voice was now sounding sad.

Sydney couldn’t believe it. Michael had cheated on her. She felt tears streaming down her face. She loved Michael, she trusted him and that was what she got?

Slowly she walked into the living room, seeing a shocked Michael staring at her and a woman she now recognized. She had a class with Michael together and she remembered seeing her a few times.

“Syd…Sydney.” Michael stuttered.

“Spare me.” Sydney hissed, “You were right, I don’t want you anymore and I’m not interested in any lame excuses you have.”

Sydney turned around to leave but Michael grabbed her arm to stop her.

“Don’t,“ She now sounded completely calm and to Michael that was even worse than her being angry. He let go of her arm gently.

“Sydney, please.” Michael begged. That was the last thing she heard before the door closed behind her.

That had been the last time Sydney had seen Michael. He had tried to call her many times but she had never answered.

Desperation was getting to her. What was she going to do now? Being together with Michael again was not an option. He had hurt her too much.

She got up carefully, her legs still feeling like jelly. She went to the bathroom door and slowly opened it. Outside her friend was sitting on the couch waiting for her and the result of the test.

“And?” Kate looked at her worried, though she was afraid she already knew the answer, seeing her red eyes. She looked even worse than the last days after her break up with Michael.

“I’m pregnant.” Sydney sobbed and tears were streaming down her face again. Kate went to her and hugged her tightly, trying to soothe her.

“I’m sorry.” Kate knew that pregnant had been the last thing Sydney had wanted to be, “What are you going to do now?”

“I don’t know. I can’t raise a baby on my own.” Sydney whispered, wiping her eyes.

“You wouldn’t have to. You still have Michael, you know he would help you.” Kate suggested though it wasn’t likely she would like that idea.

“Yeah, but I don’t want him to. I don’t want to see him again, ever.” Sydney said angrily.

“You have to tell him.” Kate tried to reason with her. What Michael had done, hadn’t been right, but he nevertheless had a right to know.

“I know.” Sydney admitted. She didn’t like the idea of telling him. He probably wanted to have the child, probably wanted to be together with her again, have a family with her. Like they had planned. But Sydney wasn’t sure she could do that.

“You want me to come with you?” Kate asked her softly.

“Yeah, please.” Sydney nodded, “Can we just go tomorrow?”

“Sure.” Kate agreed.




< Chapter 2


She lied awake that night, thinking about her options and how exactly to tell Michael. It wouldn’t be easy, but she had to, he had a right to know. Right?

It would be wrong to have this baby and not tell him, after all, he would find out eventually. It’d be kind of hard to walk around campus being seven months pregnant, and not have anyone notice.

But she wasn’t that far yet, she still had other options. She could have an abortion, and no one would ever find out about the baby. She could make Kate swear never to tell. It would be the easy way out. But that’s just it, it would be the easy way out. She was never known to take the easy way out.

She could put it up for adoption, but then, what if one day, the child came back into her life. What if, when it was old enough, it found her, and wanted to stay with her. She wouldn’t know what to do. How could she explain to some little kid why she didn’t want it? It would be heartbreaking.

What about Michael? Did he really have a right to know? He cheated on her. Cheated. But she loved him. They had taken that step together. He had been her first, and maybe last. He was sweet and kind, gentle and caring. He would do everything he could to help her, wouldn’t he?

She was just a fool. She had promised herself to wait for marriage, but then when Michael entered her life, she thought he was the one. He had convinced her that it would be alright, that she would be fine. He had broken down her defenses. She believed that it would be ok, that he wasn’t only after sex, he was different, and he would be there with her forever. What a fool she had been.

He used her, he betrayed her. He loved her. That’s what he had told her. But was it true? She loved him, at least she had. At the moment she didn’t know how she felt about him.

As far as she was concerned, it didn’t matter who the father was, it was her baby. No one else’s. She would be the one who ultimately decided what to do with it.

***

After a restless night, Sydney woke in the morning to the bright light faintly coming through the window of her dorm room. She heard the door squeak open and someone slowly paddle over to the bedside.

“Sydney?” Kate asked. “You alright?”

“No.” She answered sadly, tossing around in bed so that she didn’t have to look Kate, she didn’t want Kate to see her red eyes.

“It’ll be ok.” Kate tried to reassure her, sitting on the bed. Sydney sat up and Kate could see the redness in her eyes. She hadn’t gotten much sleep, if any. “Sweetie, you know it’s not your fault. Don’t beat yourself up for it.”

“Kate, how can it not be my fault! I slept with him! I trusted him!” Sydney’s eyes started to water again, tears following the same path down her cheeks as they had the night before.

“Men are scum, always remember that.” She tried a different approach to calm Sydney. Kate wrapped her arms around her and let her cry as long as she wanted. “Sweetie, we have to go now… Class starts in fifteen minutes.” She reminded sweetly.

“Do I hafta?” Sydney asked, rolling her eyes and pulling her covers over her head. Just what she needed, class. Michael would be there.

“Yes, if you don’t, you’ll get behind.” Kate pushed back the covers, walked over to Sydney’s dresser and pulled out a pair of jeans and a blue t-shirt that said ‘your boyfriend says hi’. She noticed her mistake and decided against giving it to Sydney, it wouldn’t be a good thing to do. In the meantime Sydney grabbed her covers and pulled them over her again.

She grabbed a black scull and crossbones t-shirt instead and set them on the edge of the bed for her. “I’ll go make us some breakfast.” She offered and left the room, leaving Sydney to get up and get dressed.

***

She rolled over in bed, feeling too comfortable to get out. She didn’t feel like getting up, but Kate was right. She couldn’t get behind on school, she would never catch up. She slowly slipped out from the soft warmth of the comforter and grabbed the clothes on the end of the bed, heading for the bathroom.

She looked at her face in the mirror. It wasn’t Sydney, it was some other person looking back. She didn’t know who she was anymore. She wasn’t confident, wasn’t kind, wasn’t happy, and certainly wasn’t enjoying life.

Sydney splashed some water on her face to clear up some of the redness on her face from a night full of crying. She’d be damned if she let him see her pain.

She brushed her teeth and slipped on the black t-shirt and jeans Kate had chosen for her, savoring the rough fabric on her skin. Jeans sure as hell weren’t maternity clothes.

Applying enough makeup to make it look like she was normal, she looked again upon her reflection, clearly seeing how good she was at making it look like she wasn’t hurt. She would make a good spy, she thought dryly.

She sighed and walked out into the kitchen, ready to get this day over with.




Chapter 3


“I really don’t wanna go.” Sydney whined as they were getting closer and closer to the classroom.

“It’s okay, just ignore him.” Kate assured her, wrapping an arm around Sydney’s shoulder.

Sydney sighed deeply as they went into the room, fortunately finding two free seats in the back. Today really wasn’t a day where she wanted to face anyone. All she wanted was sit in the corner and get the day done with.

Sitting down Sydney immediately spotted Michael and he was looking right in her direction, a guilty expression on his face that said everything and nothing. It showed clearly that he was sorry, or was it just plain guilt? What it didn’t show was why he did it. And to be honest, Sydney didn’t want to know.

It didn’t matter. Not to her. She was sure he had million excuses. Each one lamer than the next. And she didn’t want to hear a single one. He had hurt her so badly and nothing he could say would take that pain away.

She couldn’t forgive him. But most importantly, she didn’t want to.

“Just don’t look in his direction.” Kate whispered in her ear to get her out of her thoughts of Michael.

“Yeah.” Sydney sighed. She turned her gaze away, staring out of the window, her thoughts drifting off again.

She felt Michael’s gaze on her and she didn’t even have to look into his direction to know that. That was quite some mess she was in.

Pregnant.

She still couldn’t get that out of mind and she couldn’t figure out what to do. Should she keep it? Have an abortion? Give it away? No matter how much she thought about it, she couldn’t find the solution. Should she tell Michael? How was she going to take care of a baby?

So many questions and not a single answer.

Her gaze went back to Michael. He seemed concentrated on what the professor but as he turned around to her, she knew he wasn’t. He seemed unfocused too, seemed so sad and she knew why. He was suffering because of the break up as much as she did but Sydney couldn’t feel sorry for him. Even if she had tried.

He cheated on her, he made this relationship go to waste. It was his fault, not hers. He had to take the full blame for it and Sydney wouldn’t feel sorry that he was suffering too. Not one minute.

It was over and there was no going back.

“Miss Bristow?” Sydney was brought back to reality by the voice of the teacher.

“What?” She asked confused though she tried to make it not too obvious that she hadn’t listen to him, “I’m sorry what did you say?”

“Maybe someone else can give us an answer.” He said turning away from her. Sydney sighed and went back to her thoughts.

***

An hour later the class was over and Sydney was relieved to get out of that room, away from Michael. Kate was next to her as they walked out, talking about where to go to get something to eat. On one side Sydney was kinda hungry, on the other side she wasn’t because of the pregnancy. She was already feeling nauseous because that came with pregnancies, though it could also be the break up that made her feel sick.

“Are you feeling okay?” Kate asked worried. Sydney was so damn quiet and seemed to be constantly somewhere else and Kate knew very well where, “Don’t let it get to you that much.”

“I’m trying but I can’t help it.” Sydney sighed, rubbing her head to fight the headache that was forming in her head. Kate gave her a concerned look, “I’ll be okay.” Sydney tried to assure her though she herself didn’t know when or how or if ever.

“Sydney.” She heard her name being called from behind and she knew immediately who it was.

“Do you want me to stay?” Kate asked as Michael approached them.

“It’s okay. I’ll see you in a minute.” Sydney said certainly. She was sure it wouldn’t take her long to talk to him. There was nothing she had to tell him, not anymore.

She turned around and faced Michael. “What do you want?” She asked harshly, the hurt clearly visible.

Michael swallowed nervously, trying to figure out how to explain it to Sydney. The way Sydney looked at him was scaring him. She had changed. Her eyes weren’t sparkling anymore. They were full of pain and at the same time emotionless, trying to mask the feelings. Though she had put on make up, he could see how pale her skin was and she looked tired, dark circles under her eyes.

And he knew he was the reason for all the pain.

“Can we talk?” He asked, praying she would say yes. He wanted to explain it to her, explain what he himself didn’t understand. How could he hurt her do much? He loved her.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Sydney stated coldly and turned around to walk away.

“Sydney please.” He pleaded, grabbing her arm softly, carefully not to hurt her.

“Don’t.” Sydney hissed at him and pushed his arm away, “We have nothing to talk about.”

“I’m sorry.” Michael said desperately, “Please, don’t end it.” He wished he could say something that would make her feel better, something to make it come undone. That night was a mistake, one he regretted more than words could describe. All he wanted to do was fixing what he had broken but somehow he doubted he could. He had hurt her so deeply, at the moment it seemed like it was over and that was the most painful thing he had ever experienced.

“You ended it, not me.” Sydney felt tears welling up and that made her only angrier. There was no way she would cry in front of him, not after everything he had done to her.

“I love you Sydney.” Michael tried again.

“Don’t say that.” Sydney snapped at him, “That’s a lie or otherwise you wouldn’t have done this to me.”

“I… please.” Michael felt his voice breaking. He had screwed up the most important thing in life and lost the person he loved so much that it hurt.

“It’s over.” Sydney said. How could he say he loved her and wanted her to forgive him?

It was over and Sydney swore she would never ever forgive him, even less be together with him again.




Chapter 4


Kate paced impatiently back at the dorm. She hoped Sydney would be ok and not completely distraught like she had been two days ago. Michael had a way of doing that to her.

Time passed too slowly for her liking, and she practically ran to the front hall when she heard the door open.

“Syd, God. Are you alright?” She asked, immediately guiding her to the couch.

“Yeah, totally.” She shakily lied, not wanting to scare her best friend.

“Stop lying, Syd, you can tell me. What are friends for?” She soothingly rubbed small circles on her back.

Sydney wrapped her arms around Kate and hugged her tightly. “Thank you so much. You’ll never know how much it means to me.”

“I have a pretty good idea.” Kate chuckled lightly, hugging Sydney back. “You wanna talk about it?” She ventured.

“He, he just…Arg!… He’s such an idiot! I mean, how could he do this to me!?” She stood up, a sudden burst of anger boiling through her veins. She paced around the couch, steaming and screaming about how much of a fool she was, how much of a loser he was.

Ranting and ranting on and on about the crap in her life. She stopped abruptly near the wall and stuck out, her fist connecting with the plaster in a loud crunch.

She dropped to the floor, clutching her hand and sobbing loudly. Kate rushed to the kitchen and got some wet paper towels and rushed back to Sydney, trying to stop the bleeding.

“Leave me alone!” Sydney yelled, hiding her fist from Kate’s reach. “Let it bleed! I don’t care anymore!”

Kate cautiously knelt near her and softly held out her hand, waiting for Sydney to put her damaged hand in hers. Sydney held her ground for a few moments, until she hurt too much and gave in, placing her hand in Kate’s and allowing her to clean and wrap her wounds.

***

The doorbell rang two hours later, Kate had just finished wrapping Sydney’s hand and sent her to get changed and showered, the blood stuck to her clothing and on her skin.

“I’ll get it!” Kate yelled from the front hallway. She was putting on some new clothes, her hair up in a towel to dry, still wet from her heated shower.

*Flashback*

Sydney walked into the bathroom, only to be confronted again with the completed pregnancy test.

Positive.

With another fit of anger, she quickly swatted it into the small trash can under the toilet paper roll.

*Flashback*

“You son of a bitch. Go away.” Kate spat at her new enemy, who had once been one of her good friends just days before.

“I just want to talk to Sydney…” Michael pleaded, desperate to explain himself.

“She doesn’t want to talk to you.” Kate said angrily.

“Please, Kate. I need to talk to her.” Michael begged.

“You have done enough!” Kate yelled, catching the attention of Sydney, peaking her interest as she listened from behind the bedroom door.

“I have to explain, she won't listen to me…” He tried to step into the room, but Kate held him from fully entering. She grabbed his shirt roughly and pulled him close, so that only he could hear her.

“I said, She. Doesn’t. Want. To. See. You.” He knew she was stronger than him, after all, Kate went to the gym almost every other day. “Now get away before I really get mad.”

“Kate… Don’t hurt him.” Sydney defended, finally coming out form her hiding spot, unable to allow Michael to get physically harmed, even though she was deathly angry with him.

“Sydney…” Michael studded, as Kate released him from her grasp and gave him a small shove.

“If you need me to kill him, I’ll be right over there.” Kate indicated to the couch.

“I’ll let you know.” Sydney said coldly, as if it might be a possibility in the near future, depending on what he attempted to do or say. “What the hell do you want?” She addressed Michael, as he dropped his eyes to the floor ashamed.

He noticed the large impromptu bandage wrapped around her right hand and moved closer to try and examine it, reaching out for her wrist. She jerked it away and glared at him, not speaking a word.

“What did you do Sydney?” He asked worried, looking into her eyes for an explanation.

She grunted at nodded her head toward the wall twenty feet behind her. He saw the gigantic dent in the wall and ruined plaster, recognizing the print of a fist. One of his oldest friends had ‘experimented’ with the plaster the same way once. Of course, he had been drunk.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized, feeling very guilty. He hated that he had made Sydney, one of the most calm and peaceful people he knew, do that to herself. He shook his head in disgust at himself.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine.” Sydney hissed, pointing towards the door to indicate that he should leave.

“I just… I hate that I’ve hurt you. I didn’t want you to get hurt, it was-” He started to step towards her again, but she backed away and cut him off.

“Don’t come near me. I don’t want to hear your excuses!” She didn’t want to cry in front of him and ran into her bedroom, slamming the door in his face when he tried to follow.

“Sydney! Come out, please… Sydney?” He knocked on the door, he could hear her crying in her room. He wanted to go in and comfort her, he felt responsible for her pain and it ate away at him.

He remembered that her bathroom had an adjoining door that lead into her room and decided to try it. He entered the bathroom and tried, without success, to open that door. He sat down on the closed toilet lid and put his head in his hands, a few tears rolling down his cheeks. He reached over to get some toilet paper, to dry his eyes, and noticed a box, sticking out of the trash can underneath.

A pregnancy test.




Chapter 5


A pregnancy test.

Michael looked at the box in his hands and then inside, searching for the test but didn’t find it. His gaze wandered back to the trashcan and grabbed it. Inside he found many things, but no test. Was the box Sydney’s or Kate’s? What if Sydney was pregnant? Now that everything had broken apart. Or was this maybe a sign for them that they belonged together?

He needed to ask Sydney about it. So he stood up and walked to the door to knock again.

“Sydney, we need to talk.” Michael said through the closed door.

“Don’t think so.” Sydney sniffed; not even thinking about going out of her room again, at least not till Michael was gone.

“I think we do.” He said again.

“Really? About what? Your lame excuses why you cheated on me with her?” Sydney asked sarcastically.

“Well, that certainly.” Michael replied, feeling another wave of guilt, “But at the moment I was more thinking of what I found here in the bathroom.”

Sydney slowly opened the door, looking even more miserable and paler than before.

“You searched in my trash can?” Sydney snapped at him, “Who do you think you are?”

“Maybe the father of a child. Is that your test?” Michael looked at her expectantly.

“That’s none of your business.” Sydney replied harshly. It was getting worse and worse. She hadn’t wanted him to know and now he knew, he found the test. That wasn’t what she needed at the moment, she wasn’t sure what she should do and now he would want to have a say too.

“If you’re pregnant, it is.” Michael said.

“Not after everything you’ve done.” Sydney walked out of the bathroom, wanting to escape from him.

“Sydney.” He followed her into the living room.

“What do you want?” Sydney yelled, wiping her eyes with her non-injured hand.

“Are you pregnant?” Michael asked her directly, wanting to know the truth.

“That’s not going to change anything.” Sydney told him coldly.

“Maybe not between us, but I have a right to know if I’ll be a dad.” Michael stated, “So yes or no?”

“Yes.” Sydney answered quietly while at the same moment wishing she hadn’t answered.

Michael looked at her stunned. She was pregnant. He was going to be a daddy.

“Wow, that’s just… wow.” Michael said while thinking of something better to say.

“Whatever, as I said: that’s none of your business anymore.” Sydney shrugged.

“It’s my child too.” Michael said.

“And now you think we just forget about everything and are one happy family?” Sydney laughed bitterly.

“We could try, for the child.” Michael suggested carefully.

“No we can’t.” Sydney said harshly, “We’re over, forever.”

“But that’s what we wanted. Be together, have a family, be married.” Michael wanted her to remember of everything they had planned for their future. He knew he had made a mistake but he didn’t want it to be over. Not when they were becoming parents now. There had to be a way. He didn’t want to loose her.

“That’s history. Now please go.” Sydney pointed at the door.

“Please, we have to find a way to get along, for the baby.” Michael pleaded.

“We don’t because I’m not getting that baby.” Sydney replied. She wasn’t sure she really meant that, she still had to decide that but at the moment all she wanted was to get him to go.

“What?” Michael asked shocked.

“You heard me. I don’t want a baby to be born into that situation. A baby deserves a happy home.” Sydney explained what she was feeling and knew she was right.

“We can have that again, we only have to try.” Michael replied. It couldn’t be that he not only was loosing Sydney but also his child.

“How?” Sydney asked sadly.

Michael thought about it for a moment, then he had an idea. It was probably a stupid idea but he had to try, maybe he could change her mind and prove her how much he loved her.

He walked towards her and kneeled down, “Marry me.”

“What? Are you crazy?” Sydney asked with eyes wide open.

“No, I love you and I want to be together with you and have a family.” Michael replied.

“It’s about the baby, isn’t it?” Of course it was. How else could it be?

“No, of course I want that child but I also want to be together with you.” What else could he say to make her understand it?

“No.” Sydney shook her head, “We’re not going to get married and I won’t have a child.”

“So what I want doesn’t count?” Michael asked, his voice now a bit louder.

“Not anymore. You made your decision and I’ll make mine.” Sydney answered sadly. It was over and he had to finally accept that.

“But it’s my child too.” Michael said desperately.

“Go now, please.” Sydney looked at him pleading.

Michael didn’t know what to say, she seemed so sure in her decision so he did what she wanted him to do. He left. But not without giving her one last pleading look, saying she should think about it again.




Chapter 6


"Um... Kate." Sydney whimpered from the doorway.

"Yeah, you alright?" She walked into the hallway and gave her a hug.

"Kate, I can’t do this, what am I gonna do?" Sydney whipped her eyes and they walked over to the couch.

"It's up to you." Kate replied and took Sydney's hands reassuring her that she would be there in whatever she chose to do.

"You're not helping..." Sydney chuckled, keeping her tears in check so she could think sensibly.

"Sorry." Kate apologized. "You can’t get an abortion, you've always been against them."

"It's wrong." Sydney agreed, though now that she was in this situation she had to admit she was close to changing her mind. It really seemed like a possibility at the moment.

"Adoption?" Kate suggested.

"No. It's just... I wouldn’t be able to do that. Just think about when the kid grows up. I can’t do that to them." Sydney shook her head, dismissing that idea completely.

"Yeah, but what else is there?" Kate looked at her questioning.

"What if I keep it?" Sydney suggested.

"Sydney, you're in college, how the heck are you going to raise a baby!" Kate tried to reason with her.

"I don’t know! I don’t know!!" Sydney said desperately.

"Whoa, Syd, I'm sorry, calm down." Sydney took a few deep breaths. "How would you afford it?" Kate sighed. "Your dad?"

Sydney rolled her eyes, "My dad never liked Vaughn in the first place... He'd probably kill him if he found out. God, how did my life get so screwed?"

"Blame men." Kate chuckled lightly.

"Yeah, but... I could get a job..." Sydney sighed.

"You’re pregnant, who would hire you?"

"Thanks for the encouragement." Sydney replied sarcastically. "I have a savings account!" Sydney remembered, "My dad set it up when I was a kid."

"That could work, for a while..." Kate mused.

"Only thing my dad did right..." Sydney mumbled. "Where would we put it? How can I raise a baby in a college dorm room? There is barely enough space for us."

“Yeah, plus Vaughn would be like, right next door.” Kate didn’t indicate if that would be a good or a bad thing.

“Oh my God. I hadn’t even thought of that!” Sydney stood up and started pacing in front of the couch. “That scumbag! I don’t want him anywhere near my child!” She placed one hand protectively on her flat stomach. “He’s a bad influence, a cheating liar. I hate him so much!”

Kate could see Sydney getting worked up like she had the previous night. “Calm down Syd, calm down. Don’t hurt yourself.” Kate warned, gesturing towards her bandaged hand.

“I know, I won’t.” She carried on with her previous train of thought, “He’ll want to see it. He’ll want to be a part of its life.”

“You can’t keep him away…at least not here…” Kate mumbled, as Sydney pretended not to hear her. She tucked the idea away in her memory. Maybe it would come in handy someday.

“He doesn’t know, does he? I mean, you haven’t told him yet, about the baby?” Kate asked.

“He found out.” Sydney whispered, looking at the ground, ashamed that she had been so careless to leave evidence in plain sight.

“What?” Kate stood up, not sure if she had heard right or not.

“He found the box.” Sydney repeated.

“Damn it.” Kate swore. “Now what?”

“I told him I didn’t want to have it.” Sydney admitted.

“So at least we have some time. He won’t know your keeping it for a while, right? At least until you start showing.” Kate said, thinking about what they should do.

“Yeah, don’t remind me.” Sydney sat back down, tired from exhaustion. Kate went to the kitchen and got her some milk.

“You should rest.” Kate set the cup down next to the couch and got a blanket out.

“Fine.” She laid down on the couch, and Kate covered her, leaving the room to allow Sydney some much needed rest.




Chapter 7


The next days were hard for Sydney. Not only was the pregnancy getting to her, but she was also still suffering because of the breakup. It still hurt to think about Michael. Her uncertainness about what to do next wasn’t helping the situation either. To sum it up, she felt awful.

But no matter how much all of this was screwed up at the moment, Sydney knew she had to make a decision. The only question was; what would be best? She only knew adoption was not an option.

Sydney sighed and walked from the kitchen where she had eaten breakfast, or at least tried, to the couch, letting herself fall on it. Two possibilities? Two of which she didn’t like.

She could have the baby, but what then? She couldn’t raise it here, because she didn’t want to ever have contact with Michael again, and she knew he would want to see his child.

Michael loved kids, they had talked about having at least two, more likely three and under no circumstances would he let her raise the child alone. If she got the baby, she had to leave, but did she really want that?

The second option was to have an abortion. The thought of it made Sydney feel bad. For all of her life she had been against it. But now that she was in that particular situation she thought about it a bit different. Raising a child alone was hard work. How was she able to? She still hadn’t finished her study and she needed to. She couldn’t just drop out of school, that would ruin her life and it would also screw up the life of her child.

The ringing of the phone was interrupting her thoughts.

Sydney groaned as she looked on the caller ID. Michael. Again. He had called the last days several times but Sydney had never answered them, only listened to the messages he was leaving. Sydney waited for the ringing to stop. God, how she wished he would finally stop.

“Sydney, please? We need to talk.” Michael said over the phone.

“Give up.” Sydney yelled, though she knew he couldn’t hear it, but that didn’t matter.

“Sydney I know you are there, so pick up the phone.” Michael demanded softly and then pausing, waiting for her to answer.

“No.” Sydney shook her head. Okay maybe it was weird she was practically talking to herself but whatever. She wouldn’t talk to him, there was nothing left to say.

They were over. Forever. No going back. She couldn’t forgive him. Why did he have to cheat on her? Why? They had been happy, planning their future, thinking of a life together. He had destroyed that, he had broken her heart. How could he expect her to forgive him?

Lauren? That stupid girl. Tears were welling up in her eyes. She still couldn’t believe it. What did he see in her?

“Sydney, come on.” He wasn’t going to give up, “I know you are there.”

Sydney was about to get up and walk into her room. If Michael wasn’t going to shut up then she would simply leave the room.

“I’m in front of your door and I won’t leave until we’ve talked.” Sydney stopped in her movement.

Should she open the door? Sydney decided that she didn’t really have a choice. He had said he wouldn’t leave before they had talked and somehow she believed him. Since she had to leave the dorm sooner or later she had to talk to him.

She walked to the door and opened it.

“What do you want?” Sydney asked harshly.

“We have to talk again.” Michael explained why he came back.

“We already did this.” Sydney sighed, wanting to close the door again but Michael stopped her from doing so.

“Yeah, but I didn’t like the outcome.” Michael said, walking by Sydney into the dorm.

“Not my problem.” Sydney shrugged and sat down again.

“Sydney, could we please talk like adults?” Michael pleaded.

“About what? Honestly Michael, what do you want from me? We’re not gonna get together and you will have no say when it comes to the child. What the hell do you still want?” Sydney asked angrily.

“You can’t just make that decision alone. That is our child.” Michael stated.

“I’m sorry but I made my decision and you won’t change my mind.” Sydney replied with such certainness it made Michael think he really had no chance anymore.

“What is it?” Michael asked, afraid of the answer he was sure he would get.

“I’m not going to have the child.” Sydney answered and this time it was not only to get him to leave. As she said it, she knew it was the right decision. There were too many things wrong right now; she couldn’t bring a child in that mess, not if she didn’t want to screw it up.

Michael desperately tried to think of something, anything, to change her mind. He wanted that child, wanted a family, wanted everything they had ever dreamt of.

“You can’t do this.” Michael said desperately.

“I’m sorry.” Sydney said sincerely, “It would never work.”

Sydney gave him a sad look and Michael knew he had lost. Had lost his child and Sydney. It was his fault, so he was the only one to blame and he was painfully aware of this.

“I’m sorry, I never wanted that to happen.” Michael’s voice was shaking.

“Me too.” Sydney swallowed and pointed at the door. She couldn’t stand it anymore. The moment she was alone, she let the tears flow.

Tears for everything she had lost and was going to loose, but she knew it was better that way.




Chapter 8


She phoned the local pregnancy clinic and scheduled a date. Kate volunteered to go with her, but Sydney knew she had to do this alone.

It was her fault, and she was going to fix it.

Michael had left tons of messages on her answering machine, pleading to talk it out further.

“Syd, it’s me, Michael. I know you might hate me right now, but what you're going to do, I don’t think it’s right. Please reconsider. I love you. Bye.”

She could tell her decision hurt him, but she rationalized that he should bear some of the pain. And it wasn’t a decision she had made out of a weak moment. She had thought about it and came to the conclusion it was for the best.

“Sydney, please, pick up the phone. I know you’re there. Please. Syd, can we just talk?”

His messages grew more and more desperate as the days slowly passed by, the haunting date drawing closer. He didn’t know when she would be going in, but he wanted to talk her out of it any way he could. He got frustrated without her reply and became angry.

“Sydney Anne Bristow! Pick up the God damned phone. I know you’re there. This is wrong. WRONG. It’s a mistake!”

It became harder and harder to hear him pleading and groveling because she knew the pain he was feeling. She was scared she might pick up soon, he had been audibly crying in the message the day before she was to go in for the procedure.

“I’m sorry Syd… I’m so so sorry I put you through this."

She could hear him sniffle and try to speak, but his words came out in a harsh whisper. She wanted so badly to talk to him, to have him be there, to stay with him, to forgive him. She reached her hand toward the phone on the table, willing herself to pick it up.

"Please, please call me? I need to talk to you… What I did was wrong…"

Yes, it was. She pulled back her hand, wanting to make him pay for his mistakes. Who did he think he was that he could get away with cheating on her, and he wasn’t even going to tell her! That thought made her stop her movements. This wasn’t an act of revenge, to make him pay, right? Sydney swallowed and thought about it.

No, it was right, they were over for good and it wouldn’t be a nice environment for a child. Sydney didn’t want her child growing up with parents who couldn’t stand the sight of each other.

“You have every right to be mad at me, but please, Syd, I’m begging you, don’t take it out on the child."

He had a valid point. Maybe they could work through this? She still loved him.

“I love you.”

He still loved her. Even after everything she had put him through. Tears came back into her eyes.

***

“Kate?” Sydney walked through the small dorm room.

“In here.” She called back from the small kitchen space.

“Um…” She was at a loss for words. “You know… I have that thing…” She asked vaguely, but Kate still picked up on it.

“You want me to come with you?” She supplied, Sydney nodded her head slightly. “Ok. Let me get my keys.” She patted Sydney on the back and walked out into the hallway. They walked to the parking lot and drove towards the clinic.

***

“You sure about this?” Kate asked as they sat in the car at the clinic. Sydney looked off distantly at the cars out on the street. She took a rattled breath and looked back at Kate.

“I’ll call you when I’m… it’s done.” She said, amazingly strong. Kate placed a hand over her shoulder and silently asked her again if she was sure this was what she wanted. Sydney nodded.

“You don’t want me to come in?”

“I’ll be fine. Just go… Please?” Sydney opened her door and started walking towards the front doors. Kate saw how courageous she was being, and complied with her wishes, driving off.

***

Sydney signed in at the reception desk, and went to sit in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs. She took a few calming breaths and tried to focus on anything other than what was about to take place.

She looked around. Plain white walls, no pictures, nothing to make this more comfortable. Sure, being at the hospital wasn’t meant to be comfortable but it shouldn't make you feel more horrible.

And then there was this smell. The typical hospital smell. Awful. It made Sydney’s stomach turn. Suddenly she felt sick, feeling panic rising inside of her.

This was right, wasn’t it?

“Ms. Bristow? The doctor will see you now.”




Chapter 9


“Ms. Bristow? The doctor will see you now.”

Sydney slowly got up, following the nurse into the direction of the doctor’s room. She passed a window and looked out of it. It was a sunny day, a small breeze blowing through the trees. Suddenly Sydney felt herself pulled back into her past.

“Michael, stop that.” Sydney laughed as Michael splashed water at her again.

It was their last holiday break before their final high school year. They had decided to go to the beach together. Only the two of them. Sydney had been so excited about it. She had feelings for him and she hoped he did too, but she still wanted to wait for the right moment to tell him.

Maybe today would be the day.

They had been friends since forever and especially over the last months they had gotten extremely close. After school they had almost spent every day together, had fun and were comfortable around each other. Though neither of them had ever acted on their developing feelings. Mostly because neither had been brave enough to make the first step.

“Come in, then I’ll stop.” Michael replied, splashing another wave of water at her.

“No way. It’s too cold.” Sydney refused.

“It’s not.” Michael came out of the water, grabbed Sydney’s waist and lifted her over his shoulder.

“Don’t you dare.” Sydney tried to get down, “No, Michael!” The next moment Sydney found herself completely under water, now soaking wet.

“You…” Sydney exclaimed as she came up again but was stopped by Michael’s lips the next moment. After a short time of utter shock she responded.

Sydney swallowed at the memory of their first kiss. It was as if it had happened yesterday though it truly had happened more than six years ago.

Slowly she was approaching the room, her feet walking automatically while she was caught up in her thoughts.

“We can’t.” Sydney stopped Michael’s hand, “Can we wait?”

“Sure.” Michael answered softly, pulling back his hand.

“Don’t be mad, please?” Sydney pleaded, fear visible in her eyes and voice.

“Hey, I’m not mad, I would never. Of course we can wait.” Michael kissed her forehead gently. Then he wrapped his hand around her waist to pull her closer, nuzzling into her neck. “We can wait forever if you want.”

“You’re the best.” Sydney smiled happily.

“No, you are.” Michael placed light kisses on her neck.

This couldn’t be true. Sydney sighed deeply, shaking her head. These memories needed to leave her head. She was miserably enough, confused enough; she didn’t need any more pain.

Their graduation ceremony had been over, high school was finally over. Sydney was standing in front of it, waiting for Michael to come.

“So that’s it, school’s over.” Michael said grinning as he arrived.

“I know.” Sydney smiled at him. Though the next moment her face changed to a more serious one.

“Something wrong?” Michael asked concerned.

“I know we’re at the same university so that’s going to make it easier but still.” Sydney sighed.

“What?” Michael wrapped her arms around her.

“Promise me nothing’s going to happen to us.” Sydney was afraid college life would tear them apart.

“I promise.” Michael whispered and kissed her.

This definitely was getting worse. Sydney had to fight back the tears forming in her eyes. She didn’t want to remember, she wanted to forget.

They had been so happy, why did he have to destroy everything they had? Six years, for god’s sake. That’s how long they had been together. She had loved him, trusted him and he had to go and cheat on her with some stupid girl he had met in one of his classes.

After everything that had happened, he had to destroy it.

“Are you sure?” Michael asked softly, stopping what they were doing. They were together now for over two years but he could wait if Sydney wanted to. He would do anything for her.

“Yes, I’m sure.” Sydney pulled him close, kissing him again.

“We can wait, it’s okay.” Michael assured her. He wanted to make sure Sydney truly wanted this because he didn’t want her to regret it afterwards.

“Don’t have to.” Sydney mumbled between kissing him. Then she pulled him towards their bed.

There it was. The doctor’s room. Now it was time to get it done and over with. Sydney wiped away her tears and hoped her eyes weren’t too red.

The memories had been straining her nerves. They only made the break-up worst. She took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

“Come in.” The doctor called from inside the room.

Slowly Sydney opened the door, walked in and closed the door behind her.

Soon this would all be over.




Chapter 10


The bottle just wasn’t working anymore. He had grown a tolerance to the alcohol. It had worked the first few nights without her, but not anymore.

The memories still came back, fresh as day.

“Syd, you wanna go to the beach?” Michael asked in between classes on the walk to English class.

“Now? Michael, it’s twenty degrees out!” Sydney hit him with her scarf. “You want me to freeze to death?”

“No, I mean over the break… just us.” He boldly explained. A shiver went down his spine as he watched Sydney think about it.

“Um… I guess so.” She replied vaguely. “I have that book club meeting on Saturday though… can we wait till that Sunday to leave?” That was Sydney, always buried in a book.

“It’d wait as long as you need.” He wanted so badly to tell her how he felt about her, and he vowed to tell her on this trip.

That was when their first real kiss happened. They started dating as soon as they got back.

The doorbell rang and he waited outside nervously. This was their first date.

He planned a romantic picnic in the park, complete with strawberries and chocolate fondue.

She answered the door and looked radiant in her festive spring skirt and tank top. He much preferred the bikini from the previous week, but he didn’t want to ruin the date by saying anything. She still looked better than any other girl on the earth to him.

He had drove them to the park near his house. They had set up the blanket under a large oak tree. Sydney suggested she come back often and read under the tree. It was the perfect spot.

They ate amongst the quiet noises of the birds chirping and comfortable conversation. When they finished their sandwiches- the best Michael could make on such short notice- he surprised Sydney by pulling out the strawberries. She got a devilish look in her eyes and grinned at him.

“No, it’s just food, Syd.” He grinned back.

“Whatever you say.” She rolled her eyes and then grabbed a strawberry, gently dipping it into the chocolate sauce. She licked it lightly, teasing him. He rolled his eyes. “Want one?” She asked temptingly.

“Sure.” He complied to let her feed him another strawberry, wrapped up in the moment.

“You got a little…” She pointed at the corner of his mouth, where a supposed spot of chocolate was. She stopped his hand when he went to wipe it away, leaning in to get it herself with a kiss.

They had had so much fun together. They spent most of their time together, seemingly joined at the hip. They had fallen recklessly in love.

But then everything went down hill.

The scene was set to angry voices in the living room.

“I told you it was an accident!” Michael shouted. He hated himself for being unfaithful to Sydney. She would never forgive him if she found out. It was a mistake, an error in judgment.

“So you want me to forget it, like it never happened?” The woman yelled at him. Of course he did. But it wasn’t that easy.

“That’s exactly what I want you to do.” Michael tried to calm down. He needed to be focused to solve this. It wouldn’t do any good if he ran away from the problem.

“And what if I tell it your girlfriend Sydney?” Now she threatened him. His heart started beating faster. Did he want to tell Sydney? She had a right to know, but she would be crushed. They would be through. He might be able to talk her out of leaving him though. He would do anything for her.

“You think that would change anything?” Michael laughed bitterly, “I love Sydney.” He declared it openly, he wasn’t going to hide it. She was his everything.

“Didn’t stop you the other night.” She snapped at him. He closed his eyes tightly, wrinkles forming on his forehead.

“It happened once, it won’t happen ever again.” Michael hissed. He would never cheat on Sydney. He had been drunk, he wasn’t thinking. He hated himself.

“What do you think Sydney will do if I tell her? Do you really think she would still want to be together with you?” She wouldn’t to give up fighting him.

“No, I don’t think so. But that doesn’t mean I will cheat on her again. So if you want to tell her, I can’t stop you, but I won’t sleep with you, or anyone else, again.” His voice was now sounding sad. He might have lost the most precious thing he had. She had loved him, she trusted him and that was what she got? He didn’t deserve her, but he was going to try.

Slowly Sydney walked into the living room, upon seeing her, Michael’s mouth dropped open. How much had she heard?

“Syd…Sydney.” Michael stuttered.

“Spare me.” She hissed, “You were right, I don’t want you anymore and I’m not interested in any lame excuses you have.”

Sydney turned around to leave but Michael grabbed her arm to stop her. He had to tell her. He was drunk, too drunk. He wasn’t thinking.

Lauren had come on to him, he always noticed how hard she had tried to flirt with him. He thought he told her he wasn’t interested, but Lauren was just a cheap whore.

“Don’t,“ Sydney now sounded completely calm and Michael hurt even more. He let go of her arm gently, pleading with his eyes to let him explain.

“Sydney, please.” Michael begged. The door closed behind her and Michael knew he had lost the best thing in his life.



Chapters 11-20