Counting The Days
Song: “To Say Goodbye To You” by Aselin Debison



It breaks my heart in two, to say goodbye to you
Wish time could turn us back to yesterday
The gods above would look the other way
Maybe then we still could laugh together
Maybe then it could be spring forever and a day
But I must face the truth and say goodbye to you
It breaks my heart in two, to say goodbye to you.

Sydney sat in the hospital chair, waiting for the doctors to say she could go visit the love of her life. Tears were pouring steadily down her cheeks and she didn’t care who saw. She wanted more than anything for him to come home with her and get out of the spy business, but she knew that wouldn’t be possible.

“You can see him now.” A doctor approached her and pointed her in the direction of his room. She slowly made her way across the floor, dreading every passing second. She wished the clock would just stop. She opened the door slowly, taking in the sight of him hooked up to monitors and machines, all keeping him alive.

“Vaughn,” she breathed, quickly sitting in the chair off the side of the hospital bed and grabbing his hand. She brought it to her lips softly, placing a kiss on his knuckles. It hurt to see him lying there, his ragged breath filling the room, not able to stop any of this from happening.

After a few minutes, she saw him begin to stir and squeezed his hand lightly, letting him know she was there for him. She kissed his hand again and his eyes fluttered open lazily.

“Syd," he said, though it came out quiet and rough. He tried to squeeze her hand back, but he wasn’t as strong as normal. “I’m sorry I’m so tired…” he apologized, lifting his hand from hers and wiping away her tears with his thumb. She leaned into his hand, covering it with her own, holding onto him. She didn’t want to let go.

A doctor came in quietly, leaving a small cup on the nearby table. Sydney looked at it, scared. She smiled weakly at the doctor, picking up the cup.

“You… you should drink something," Sydney said slowly, trying to elongate their time together. Tears kept falling from her eyes, trailing their path down her cheeks.

“Syd,” he whispered, silently communicating that he knew what was going on. “You’ll be ok," he promised, reaching over and placing his hand on her expanding stomach. “So will little Isabelle.” She smiled weakly at him and covered his hand with her own, nodding in understanding.

“Ok.” She helped him drink through the straw, memorizing his features and storing them away in her memory. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he said and drifted off to sleep. She placed a gentle kiss on his lips and his forehead and sat back, fresh tears falling. That’s when life lost it’s meaning.

***

The funeral was scheduled, the guest list long, and Sydney couldn’t have been worse. She went home from the hospital that night, bypassing everything in their house and running into the bedroom. She grabbed his pillow and snuggled up to it, basking in his scent. She stayed that way, sobbing quietly, everyday until the funeral. Nadia came over, and found her still there, wearing the same clothes she had been wearing at the hospital.

“Syd.” She tried to pull off the covers from her sister, but Sydney held onto them tightly.

“Go away,” she demanded. She didn’t want to ever leave the bed, not by herself. She wanted Vaughn to be there, nestled up close to her, always near to tell her everything will be alright.

“Syd, you have to get up.” Nadia tried to reason with her. She managed to pull Sydney into a sitting position on the side of the bed after much resistance.

“Why?” She whined like a four year old. She didn’t know what day it was or how long she’d been in bed, but she didn’t want to get up. It felt too soon.

“It’s today,” Nadia said, softly. Sydney understood and flopped back on the bed. If she got up it would mean this nightmare was real. It would be too hard to go on without him. No one would be there to comfort her when she was hormonal. No one would go out at two in the morning and get her ice cream and pickles. No one would be there when her daughter was born. She knew she couldn’t raise a baby by herself. She would give anything to have him back in her arms again.

Nadia somehow managed to get her showered and dressed. She honestly couldn’t remember it happening, her thoughts being on Vaughn the whole time.

She was suddenly sitting in front of the mirror, Nadia brushing her hair, when she truly realized how bad she looked. Her eyes were swollen and puffy, her cheeks red, her lips firmly set in a frown. She reached down onto the counter and grabbed some makeup. She was a spy, she could fool anyone.

Anyone but Vaughn. But she would look presentable for him. She would have to take care of herself, now that he wasn’t there. It’s what he would want her to be doing.

***

“Michael Vaughn. My soul mate. My best friend.” Sydney started her speech, all her friends and family there, all mourning the loss of a truly good human being. “I love him with everything I have.” It was getting harder and harder with every passing word to control herself from sobbing.

“I miss him.” She held back a coked sob from escaping. “I don’t want Isabelle growing up without her father.” Tears made there way down her cheeks again. She finished and walked over to his casket, touching the hollow oak box gently and whispering, “I love you.”

She sat in silence for the rest of the ceremony, and followed the casket out the front doors of the church. She exchanged a look with her father before turning her eyes to the sprawling hills, thinking about Vaughn. It would be hard to raise Isabelle without him. She was scared.

She saw a black figure, standing behind the trees. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, discreetly pressing the com link into her ear, to make sure she heard.

“I’ll be home soon.” Vaughn’s sweet voice filled her ear and she had to hide her smile.

Wish I could whistle down the Northern Lights
And send them dancing all across the night
Maybe then in my memories for saving
One last time you're on the hill waving from afar
One last glance or two and I'll say goodbye to you
It breaks my heart in two, to say goodbye to you.


{Fin}