Wings to Fly
Author: Janet (SkyGirl5)
Genre: S/V, AU
Summary: After dating throughout their senior year of high school, Sydney and Michael broke up in college and haven't spoken since. Now Sydney is in an abusive relationship that she can't get out of. She runs into Michael by chance and wonders, could he be the one to save her?
Disclaimer: Sydney, Vaughn, etc are properties of JJ Abrams and ABC.
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Chapters 1-10 // Chapters 11 - 20 // Chapters 21-30 // Chapters 31-40 // Chapters 41-50
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Chapter 1
Sydney Bristow opened the windows to her apartment on the morning of a breezy August day. She had the day off from work and was planning on spending most of the day cleaning and throwing away some of her old junk before she needed to go shopping so she could make dinner for her boyfriend, Jason Ryan. She welcomed this day off since she hadn’t taken a personal day since she had begun her job two years earlier.
After graduating with a Masters degree in Accounting Sydney had taken a job as an auditor for a small company in southern California. She had received a decent number of potential employers after graduating at the top of her class at UCLA, but all but one required her to move a great distance away and she just couldn’t bear leaving the place that had been her home since birth.
Once all the windows in her second floor apartment were opened Sydney pulled her long brown hair up into a tight knot on her head and began to vacuum. Once finished, she threw in a load of laundry. She flicked on her radio as she folded her clothes and began to put them away. As she was hanging up her shirts a pile of dusty boxes lying at the bottom of her closet caught her eye. She smiled softly to herself and bent down to pick them up.
She winced slightly and rubbed her wrist that was wrapped tightly in a bandage. “Stupid sprain” she mumbled under her breath as she picked up the boxes. She carried them to the center of the floor in her bedroom and sat down in front of them with her legs tucked underneath her. She picked up the first box. It was an old shoe box that was labeled with the names “Will & Julian”
Will had been her very first boyfriend in high school. He was the captain of the football team and all round good guy. That was until he cheated her and then dumped her. In high school he had assaulted her and was arrested for it. The last she heard he was doing time in jail for armed robbery. Julian had been one of the boyfriends she had had more recently. In fact he was her boyfriend right before Jason. She had meet him her senior year in college and they dated for almost a year until, he too, cheated on her.
This shoebox held old mementos that belonged to them that she couldn’t bring herself to throw away. Even though at the current time she disliked them both, she was too sentimental to throw away the things that reminded her of the good times they had shared together, however brief they had been. She had had only one other boyfriend but they dated for such a brief period of time that she had nothing worth saving from him.
The other box she had removed from her closet was rather large. It had the word “Michael” written on the top in very large letters. Sydney lifted the lid off the box and smiled broadly as all the wonderful memories came flooding back to her. Michael had been her boyfriend senior year in high school and up until her sophomore year in college when they had mutually decided to split. Michael was Sydney’s first love and to that day her only true love.
The first thing Sydney pulled of out the box was a necklace that Michael had given her their first Christmas together. She set it aside and continued to rummage through the memorabilia. She found a stack of photos and began to leaf through them. The first one she found was from her birthday in April almost five years earlier and only a few months before she and Michael had broken up. In the picture they both were smiling broadly as she clutched Michael’s gift closely to her. He had given her a puppy which she named Sasha. She looked back in the box and found Sasha’s old pink collar and felt herself tearing up as she remembered the death of her favorite pet. She reached up onto her dresser and grabbed a tissue that she dabbed her eyes with.
For the next half hour Sydney continued going through the pictures and the rest of the contents of the box. She laughed at some of the memories especially the pictures from the Halloween she and Michael went as Peter Pan and Tinkerbelle. At others she felt somber because she still missed Michael very much.
Recently she had thought about him often. Especially since things with Jason... hadn’t been going well. She wondered what he was doing. After they had broken up she heard through her parents, who still kept in touch with his parents being that they were next door neighbors, that he moved to Massachusetts to go to MIT like he had always wanted. But she hadn’t heard anything more about him.
“Oh crap!” She said as she noticed the time on the clock. She quickly tossed all of Michael’s memories back onto the box and tossed it back into her closet. Then she grabbed her keys and headed off to the grocery store to get food for dinner.
Chapter 2
After Sydney had spent nearly $100 dollars on groceries she was driving home when she realized her fuel tank was on empty. “Crap” She sighed as she pulled into the nearest Sheetz and waited for a free pump. She checked to make sure her make up hadn’t come off the bruise on her face in her rear view mirror before grabbing her credit card from her purse and getting out of her car. She put her card in the machine and then sighed as she put the nozzle in her gas tank. She used her hand to cover her eyes from the sun’s piercing glare.
“Sydney? Sydney Bristow?” Someone from behind her asked.
She turned around still blinking from the sun in her eyes. “Yes?”
“You don’t remember me do you?”
“No, it’s not that, I just can’t see you.” She laughed as she blinked rapidly trying to remove the spots in her vision the sun had caused.
“Oh.” He laughed.
“Oh my God, Michael?” She asked.
“Yeah... so you can see then...” he laughed.
“No, I just recognized your laugh.” She smiled. She stepped away from her car and towards the shadows so she could get a proper view of Michael. She smiled broader as she saw that he looked entirely the same.
“How are you... I mean aside from that cast on your arm” Michael cringed.
“Oh” Sydney shrugged as she waved her wrapped wrist in the air. “Yeah stupid me fell down the stairs and sprained it.”
“Ouch sorry.”
“Nah I’m good. How are you?”
“Good, good. Just in town on business,” Michael said.
“Oh you haven’t moved back here?”
“No, I got a job in Pittsburgh so I live out in Pennsylvania”
“Oh that’s cool.”
“Yeah... but I miss the sun out here... well that is when its not blinding me” Michael laughed.
“Yeah” Sydney laughed back.
“So what do you do?” Michael asked.
“I’m an accountant; auditor actually.” Sydney said.
“Oh... sounds interesting.” Michael said.
“Yeah.... its not. I mean it’s kinda boring and monotonous but it pays well so.” Sydney shrugged.
“Sounds good then.”
“Yeah...” Sydney said as she rocked back and forth on her heels.
“Listen I gotta go to a meeting but I’d love to get together with you sometime... you know walk down memory lane...”
“Yeah that’d be nice.” Sydney smiled.
“Well I’m leaving tomorrow but I’ll be back next month...”
“Sounds perfect. Hold on let me get you my number.” Sydney said as she went back to her car and grabbed a pen and piece of paper from her purse. She wrote down her number and handed it to him.
“Great thanks. It was really great seeing you again Sydney.” Michael smiled.
“Yeah, you too.” She smiled back.
“I’ll give you a call then.”
“Ok... see ya.”
“Bye,” Michael said as he got in his car and drove away.
Sydney could wipe the smile off her face as she drove home and began to prepare dinner. She couldn’t believe that coincidentally the same day she had been wondering how Michael was she ran into him and they had made plans to get together. She also could stop thinking about how fabulous he looked; just the same as he had when they were dating. And she was definitely looking forward to seeing him in a month.
Chapter 3
“Syd?”
“In here,” Sydney called from the kitchen when she heard Jason come in the front door. They didn’t live together but since Jason practically spent all his time at her apartment Sydney had given him a key.
“Hey babe,” Jason said as he entered the kitchen and gave Sydney a kiss on the cheek. “Smells good.”
“Thanks,” Sydney smiled at him. “Dinner will be ready shortly”
“OK,” Jason said as he sat down at the kitchen table and cracked open one of the beers from the six-pack he had brought. Sydney tensed slightly as soon as she heard him gulping down half the bottle at once. “Want one?” Jason offered.
“No, thanks.” Sydney shook her head. She had no idea why he kept offering her beers every time they were together; she never accepted one.
“So, what’s for dinner?”
“Steaks with some vegetables” Sydney told him.
“Cool,” Jason sighed. He finished his first beer, tossed the bottle into the recycling bin on the floor and cracked open another. Sydney began setting the table and moving some of the food over. Finally she poured herself a small glass of wine and then joined Jason at the table. She sipped her wine slowly since she never allowed herself to drink more than one alcoholic beverage while around Jason; she couldn’t risk it.
“This is good.” Jason mumbled with a full mouth.
“Thanks” Sydney laughed slightly as she continued to pick at her plate. “So, how was your day?”
“Oh, you know the usual... contractors and construction workers never get along so...” Jason shrugged. “What are ya gonna do.”
“Yeah...” Sydney sighed. Jason belched loudly. Lovely, Sydney thought.
“So, what’s with you tonight?” Jason asked as he washed his final bite of food down with the bottom of his fourth beer.
“Hmm? Oh nothing,” Sydney shrugged.
“No, seriously you’ve been smiling all night,” Jason said. Sydney just shrugged her shoulders as she cleared the plates from the table. “Come on,” Jason said in a rather frustrated tone.
“I just ran into an old friend today,” Sydney said quickly, not wanting him to get upset.
Jason ripped the cap off another beer and took a long gulp. “Female friend?” He asked suspiciously.
“Not exactly...” Sydney sighed, and then jumped as Jason bolted from his seat and came over to her. “He’s just an old friend from high school. I mean his parents still live next door to my parents...”
“SO WHAT DID YOU TWO DO?!” Jason yelled angrily in a jealous manor.
“Nothing! I swear we just ran into each other at the gas station and we talked for three minutes tops,” Sydney said frantically.
Jason roughly grabbed Sydney’s already damaged wrist that had been holding a plate. He spun her around violently causing the plate to crash to the floor and shatter.
“Jason, stop,” Sydney whimpered in pain as tears came to her eyes.
“Tell me the truth bitch! What happened with him?!”
“Nothing I swear,” She sobbed. Jason threw her up against the refrigerator causing the handle to dig painfully into her back.
“Never see him again got it?” Jason threatened.
Sydney nodded as tears continued to slide down her face.
“Good,” Jason said as he gave her one last push, drained his bottle and threw it against the refrigerator so close to her face that when it shattered it cut her slightly on the cheek. Jason continued to rant and mumble as he grabbed the final beer from his pack, made his way to the couch and flipped on the TV.
Sydney wiped her tears away with a shaking hand. Then she reached for the broom and dustpan she kept close by so she could clean up the shattered glass without cutting herself. Once everything was cleaned she went into the bathroom to examine her newest wounds.
Her wrist was still aching slightly from Jason wrenching it but she figured it would be ok once she put an ice pack on it. She disinfected the slashes on her face and made sure they wouldn’t be too visible as long as she kept her hair down to cover them. She then looked at herself in the mirror. She examined the broken person she had become over the past six months.
“Yeah... this is my life,” she sighed quietly to herself as she left the bathroom. After she finished the dishes she found Jason passed out on the couch still clutching his final beer. She pulled it out of his hands and then covered him with a blanket before turning off the TV and going into her own bedroom making sure to lock the door behind her.
Chapter 4
The next morning Sydney awoke to the smell of coffee brewing. She knew that it was Jason that had made it; he made it every morning he woke up there after passing out on the couch. So she made her way to the bathroom, showered and changed into her business suit before unlocking her bedroom door and making her way to the kitchen.
“Morning,” Jason smiled at her.
“Hi,” She said quietly as she poured herself a cup of coffee.
“I’m sorry about last night,” Jason said.
“It’s ok,” Sydney shrugged.
“Well you know how it is I have a few beers and then…”
“It’s ok, really,” She assured him.
“Ok, I’ll call you later then?”
“Sure,” Sydney smiled.
“Bye,” Jason said as he gave her a quick kiss and then left.
Sydney sighed heavily as she sipped her coffee. She went back to the bathroom and made sure that her make up was on well. She noticed that the bruise on her cheek from the previous week had almost entirely disappeared and her cuts from the night before were hardly visible at all which made her relieved. Too many times she had gotten inquires from her coworkers as per her battered appearance. She usually managed to hide it well but she didn’t want them to be overly suspicious. But it still made her nervous; the last thing she needed was for someone to go to the police.
After grabbing her purse Sydney walked to her car and drove the twenty minutes to her office.
“Morning Miss Bristow,” Charlene, the secretary said to her.
“Good morning,” Sydney smiled at her as she made her way to her office where she found a pile of papers waiting for her. Sydney sighed, removed her jacket and flopped down on her chair to begin the days work.
“Sydney?” Her boss Mr. Cooper said as he poked his head in her office around noon.
“Yeah Coop?” Sydney asked. Although he was her boss, Sydney had always had a casual relationship with him to the point of almost friendship.
“I was wondering if you had eaten yet?”
“Nope I was just about to head out,” Sydney smiled.
“Would you care to join me?”
“Absolutely,” Sydney smiled as she grabbed her jacket. “So, where are we going?” Sydney asked as she got into the passenger seat of Coop’s car.
“Umm, I was thinking that little deli two blocks away.” Coop suggested.
“Oh I love that place.”
“Good,” Coop laughed at her enthusiasm.
As they were eating they chatted about business and their personal lives. “So are you still with Jason?” Coop asked in an almost disgusted tone.
“Yes,” Sydney sighed. “Oh, crap, I got mayo on my shirt” She groaned. She then pulled back her hair and wet her napkin with her water so she could attempt to clean the stain from her clothing.
“What’s that?” Coop inquired.
“Hmm?” Sydney asked without looking up from her concentration on her shirt.
“Your face,” Coop clarified. Sydney paused as her heart jumped slightly. She quickly pulled her hair down over her face again.
“Nothing just scratched myself,” She said quickly.
“Oh Sydney…” Coop sighed.
“What?” Sydney asked innocently.
“I can’t believe you.”
“What is that suppose to mean?” She asked defensively.
“We’ve had this conversation before. I don’t know why you just won’t listen and…”
“Stop it.” Sydney cut him off. “I can handle it,” she said unconvincingly.
“Can you?”
“Yes; I’m handling it,” Sydney said shortly.
“Fine, I won’t bother you about it then but just…. Well if you need me –“
“Thanks Coop,” She smiled at him.
Their ride back to the office was rather silent. Sydney knew that Coop only cared for her safety but she still couldn’t bring herself to admit to him, or anyone for that matter, that she had no idea how to handle her situation.
Chapter 5
The following Saturday Sydney and Jason decided that they would go down to the end of summer carnival that was being held at the Santa Monica pier. Sydney had always loved going to the pier throughout her childhood and well into adulthood as well.
“So, what do you want to do first?” Jason asked as he held her hand while they walked through the crowds of people.
“The ferris wheel!” She giggled in a child-like manor.
“Ok let’s go,” Jason smiled as he walked to the ticket booth.
“Ah, I love carnivals” Sydney sighed as the climbed on the ride and began to ascend. “So much fun!”
“Yeah I guess,” Jason shrugged.
“Come on they’re fun,” Sydney said as she poked him playfully. “All the kids laughing and families together. Its… nice.”
“I guess you’re right,” Jason said as he put his arm around Sydney.
“Let’s go on the swings next!” Sydney giggled.
“So what are we eating for lunch I’m starving?” Jason groaned as he rubbed his stomach.
“Well it’s a carnival we can get anything” Sydney shrugged. “In the mood for a hotdog on a sick?” She teased.
“Ummm not summuch,” Jason laughed.
“Ok then, we can have cotton candy and caramel corn and oh! Gummy bears!” Sydney said excitedly.
“You’re going to be sick!” Jason laughed.
“Nah just hyper.”
“Whatever, as long as I can have a beer.” Jason shrugged.
“Jaaace” Sydney whined.
“What?”
“Please not until we get home.” She begged not wanting to ruin the fun she was having. “I’ll make it up to you,” she said as she kissed him sweetly.
“Fine,” Jason submitted. “But you’d better do something good”
“Yay” She grinned as she slipped her arm around his. “Let’s go play some skee-ball.”
“Ok,” Jason laughed. “Syd why do you want to play this?”
“Because its fun,” Sydney said as she put two quarters in the game’s slot.
“But little kids are playing it,” Jason said as if he was almost embarrassed.
“So? That doesn’t make it less fun. Try it – you’ll love it I swear,” Sydney said as she handed him one of the wooden balls.
“Fine” He sighed as he took the ball and tried to aim for the 500 slot. He missed entirely and landed in the 10 slot. “Woohoo” He said sarcastically.
Sydney laughed. “It just takes some practice” Sydney smiled as she threw her ball and it landed directly in the 500 slot. She raised her arms high above her head and chanted. “YES!”
“Jeez how often do you play this?”
“Not often,” She shrugged. “I just remembered how.”
“Ok, ok so are there any other carnival games you’re a wiz at?”
“Ummm yeah that one where you gotta knock over the three milk cartons”
“Really? That one’s like impossible” Jason said.
“Nope. Not if you know how to do it; come on I’ll show you” Sydney grinned as she grabbed his hand and ran to the game booth.
By the late afternoon Sydney had become the champion of all the carnival games but she gave all her prizes away to the other children playing the games.
“Well that was fun” Jason said sarcastically after Sydney had handed off her final stuffed bear to a little girl who was sucking her thumb.
“What’s the matter?” Sydney asked.
“You gave away all your prizes” Jason laughed.
“So? What am I going to do with twenty stuffed animals?”
“Good point” Jason sighed. “So are you ready to go?”
“Can we walk around for just a bit longer?” Sydney asked.
“Sure” Jason smiled as he grabbed her hand.
Sydney sighed contently as they walked down the pier towards the ocean. That day had been a good day. It was days like those that reminded her of why she started dating Jason in the first place. They had fun together and Jason made her laugh. Jason slipped his arms around Sydney’s waist and she leaned back against his chest as they stared out across the sea.
Chapter 6
After their day at the pier Sydney and Jason decided to go back to her apartment and watch a movie as they ate some take out. Jason had also insisted on picking up a six-pack, which disappointed Sydney greatly, but she hid it well.
“So what are we gonna watch?” Jason asked as he pulled two slices of pizza from the box.
“Dunno let’s see what’s on” Sydney shrugged as she grabbed the TV-guide. “Umm just a bunch of old stuff”
“Oh ok whatever then” Jason said as he kicked off his shoes, propped his feet up on the coffee table and began to drink his beer.
Sydney tucked her feet up underneath her and sat tensely on the cushion next to him as she reached for the remote and began to flip through the channels. She settled on an old action movie and sighed as she began to munch on her slice of pizza.
During one of the commercials Sydney cleared their plates and put the rest of the pizza in the refrigerator. Then she tossed Jason’s three empty bottles into the recycle before sitting down on the couch next to him.
“Why are you all the way over there babe… come here” Jason smiled as he lifted up his arm for her to get underneath. She gave him a half smile and cautiously slid toward him on the sofa. He wrapped his arm around her letting his hand dangle over her shoulder. His touch almost made her skin crawl.
As the movie progressed Jason lost interest in it and gained new interest in kissing Sydney’s neck and ear. Sydney hated the fact that some part of her, a tiny part, enjoyed his kisses that made her tingle.
“Jason” She sighed. Jason’s only response was to bite her neck playfully. This caused her to giggle slightly. Soon Jason’s kisses traveled to her lips and they began making out heavily. After a few minutes Sydney broke their kiss and laid her head on Jason’s shoulder trying to get him to focus less on her and more on the television.
When the movie was over Jason switched off the TV and left the couch to throw away his other beer bottles. Sydney straightened up the pillows on the couch and got Jason’s wallet from the floor where it had fallen from his pocket.
“You dropped this” She said as she handed it to him.
“Thanks” He slurred slightly as he tried to regain his balance from nearly tripping over his own feet. He took the wallet from her and crammed it back into the pocket of his jeans.
“So… “ Sydney sighed as she impatiently waited for Jason to leave.
“Syd can I stay? I mean I shouldn’t be driving home…”
“No I guess your right” Sydney sighed, thinking of the other innocent drivers on the road. “I’ll make up the couch.”
“Come on Syd,” Jason whined. “I’m sick of sleeping on the couch.”
“Jason…” Sydney warned.
“No I wanna know what’s wrong. I mean Jesus Sydney it’s been like 15 months” Jason shouted.
“It’s been seven months and I told you I’m not ready yet!” Sydney said, her voice slightly raised.
“What’s your problem anyway? It’s just sex!” Jason shouted.
“I told you I’m not ready” She said angrily.
“When are you gonna be ready then? I’m not going to wait around forever” Jason said.
If only you’d make good on that threat, Sydney thought. “I told you I don’t know” She said.
Just then Jason grabbed her roughly around the waist, pulled her towards him and thrust his mouth upon hers.
“Jason stop” Sydney said as she tried to push him off of her.
“No you’ll come around” Jason said with an evil smirk as he began to kiss her again. Sydney broke away and stomped on his foot causing him to yell in pain.
“I said stop now get out of my house.”
“Shit that hurt bitch” Jason said as he shook off his foot. He lunged toward her and Sydney backed away fearfully. Unfortunately, she wasn’t looking where she was going and back herself into a corner where Jason quickly trapped her in.
“Jason please just leave” She begged like she had so man times before. Jason ignored her and began to kiss her again. By this time tears were beginning to form in her eyes and moisten her cheeks.
“Stop being a cry baby” Jason said harshly as he slapped her across the cheek. She tried her best not to whimper in pain. He grabbed her by the hair on her head and flung her forward into the room where she fell over the coffee table and landed on the couch. She tried to get up as quickly as she could but she was disoriented and Jason was too quick for her. Before she had a chance to escape Jason had her pinned down on the couch and was lying on top of her.
“Jason please” she begged, but it was no use. She was trapped and Jason showed no signs of letting up. Sydney’s biggest fear was coming true and there was nothing she could do to stop it or protect herself from it. She could smell and taste the alcohol from Jason as he tried to kiss her. Sydney just continued to sob.
Soon she noticed that Jason had stopped kissing her and had passed out on top of her. Sydney groaned in disgust as she rolled Jason off of her and slipped off the couch. She didn’t even bother covering him with a blanket. Instead she made her way to the bathroom as quickly as she could and took a long, hot shower before crawling into the safety of her own bed and hugging a the stuffed monkey she always held when she was hurting the most.
Chapter 7
Sydney awoke early Sunday morning and found Jason still passed out on the couch. She crept back to her bedroom and once again locked the door behind her. She walked over to the bottom drawer in her dresser and opened it slowly so that it wouldn’t squeak. She dug deep in the drawer until she pulled out a hideous brown sweater her grandmother had given her one Christmas. From it she unwrapped a locked journal and set it on the floor beside her.
Then she stood up, climbed carefully on top of her dresser and reached high behind the mirror that was on the wall until her fingers felt the tiny key that was hooked there. She picked it up, climbed back down and unlocked her journal. In her journal was the only place she could be free; she could talk about whatever she wanted no one else to read or hear; it was her therapy, her release, though all her troubled times.
She opened it up to the first page; the first entry she had made.
February 19, 2005
Jason hit me today. It was like out of no where. He was just yelling about something and his fist came smashing into my face. I was so stunned I didn’t even know how to react. I just stared at him. Then he was like “oh god I’m so sorry that was an accident I didn’t mean to…”. And I said it was ok. This is not ok. I think I should break up with him… maybe not… I mean he’s so nice it’s just when he drinks he can’t control his anger.
Sydney sighed heavily as she remembered her optimistic attitude while writing that entry. Had she known then how bad it could get in the following five months she knew she would have ended it while she still could. She turned the page.
March 12, 2005
Yesterday hit me again. This time my lip got cut and my jaw is all bruised. I don’t know what to do anymore. I guess I can’t let it slide any longer I have to break up with him
March 14, 2005
I tried to break up with him, but he came after me with a knife.
Tears began to well in Sydney’s eyes at the memory
*FLASHBACK*
“Jason I think we need to talk” Sydney said cautiously as they were sitting in his kitchen. Jason took another sip of his rum and coke before looking at her curiously.
“What about?”
“Well it’s just… I’m not sure if we can see each other anymore” Sydney said as she searched his face for a reaction.
“What?! Why?!” He gasped.
“Well it’s me… I mean I don’t know… I just…” Sydney said shakily.
“What is it!” Jason yelled angrily.
“You hit me and I can’t be with someone who hits me” Sydney blurted out.
“What! Baby I didn’t mean to hit you I care about you so much it was an accident”
“I know, I know, I’m sorry… I just… can’t” Sydney said as she got up to walk out, but Jason stood and grabbed her arm.
“Jason please I’m sorry I just…” Sydney stopped as Jason flung her up against the kitchen counter causing her head to smash painfully into the cabinets. She moaned in pain as she clutched her head with her one free hand. Jason reached into the drawer next to him and pulled out a kitchen knife.
Sydney looked at him horrified and then let her eyes focus back on the knife.
“Jason what are you doing?” She asked as she felt her body begin to shake.
“You cannot break up with me you’ll go to the police” Jason said as he waved the knife dangerously in front of her eyes.
“No, no, no, no I won’t” She said quickly.
“Yes you will I can’t let you do that” Jason said as he brought the blade of the knife down to her lips and press it hard against them.
“No I won’t go to the police I swear” Sydney mumbled thought the knife blade. Jason looked at her curiously. “I won’t! And we don’t even need to break up its fine really please just put the knife away”
Jason pulled the knife back and smiled slightly. Sydney breathed a sigh of relief as he put the knife back in the drawer.
“See babe I knew you’d come around” Jason smiled as he kissed Sydney gently.
*END FLASHBACK*
March 14, 2005
I tried to break up with him, but he came after me with a knife. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t go to the police… maybe this all will stop… maybe…
Unfortunately, it didn’t stop. It only got worse.
March 29, 2005
Sasha died today. Jason hit her with his truck. He told me it was an accident; that he didn’t see her when he was backing up, but I don’t think I believe him. He had just left… I was sitting up here and I heard her screech. I ran down and saw her pinned beneath the back wheel of his truck. He said he was sorry; I collapsed onto the ground. We took her to the vet. I held her on my lap and cried the whole way there. She looked so tiny and helpless. She was still breathing but all she did was whimper. The vet had to put her to sleep. I don’t know if I’m sadder because I know Jason did it and shows absolutely no remorse for it or because Michael gave her to me….
May 1, 2005
I don’t know if I can do this anymore. All my close friends figured it out; I guess I’m really rather transparent after all… well not really… I mean once they saw me with a black eye they knew something was up and me being completely evasive didn’t really help either. Finally I broke down and told them what was happening and they all were angry with me. I guess I’m angry with me too.
I always thought that people in this situation were weak and stupid for letting someone abuse them. And now I realize that when your life is constantly being threatened that all you can do is take the abuse because that’s how you stay alive. I don’t want to be that person…. But I guess… I don’t have a choice.
Finally Sydney had to stop herself from reading anymore because reliving the horrors of her life was upsetting her too much. She reached for her pen and began to write.
August 20, 2005
Last night one of my worst fears about Jason almost happened… he was drinking again and…. He yelled at me for not sleeping with him and then… oh god I can’t even write it…
Tears began to drip down her face and onto the paper of her journal
I just so afraid that he’s going to rape me and I won’t be able to stop him… I can’t stop him… no one can now…
The only thing that’s keeping me remotely hopeful is that last week I saw Michael. Yeah I ran into him at the gas station, he said he’d call me next month so that we can get together… I really hope he calls…
“Syd?” She heard Jason call.
“I’ll be right out” She said as wiped the tears from her face. She quickly locked her journal back up, crammed it into the sweater and stashed the key away in its hiding space before going out to see Jason.
Chapter 8
“Sydney!” Jason boomed as he slammed the door to her apartment.
“Jason? What’s wrong?” Sydney asked nervously as she emerged from the kitchen drying her hands on a towel.
“Don’t play dumb with me whore – I saw you” Jason shouted with fury in his eyes.
“What are you talking about?” Sydney asked.
“Stop it! Stop lying!” Jason said as he grabbed the towel from Sydney’s arms, threw her against the wall and pinned her with the towel wrapped around her neck. She began to cough as he was choking her.
“Jason” Sydney coughed.
“I know your sleeping with Coop just admit it” He hissed.
Sydney could smell the alcohol thick on his breath as she furiously shook her head and tried to mouth ‘no’. Jason loosened his grasp on Sydney’s throat leaving her to cough violently as she rubbed her neck with her hands. Jason only gave her a moment of relief before he threw her into the kitchen causing her to crash into a chair and fall painfully on the floor as she smashed her head on the table.
“Jason please I’m not doing anything with Coop he’s just my boss!” Sydney insisted.
“You’re lying!” He shouted.
“No, no please we were just having lunch he’s my boss I have to eat with him” Sydney said shakily.
“I don’t believe you I saw you two kissing!”
“What?” Sydney gasped. “No, no we weren’t kissing we were talking – about work stuff I swear that’s all we were doing. Please Jason you have to believe me! I wouldn’t cheat on you!”
Jason gave an infuriated yell as he grabbed Sydney’s leg and started to drag her across the kitchen. She screamed and tried to kick him off of her. Finally she managed to kick him in the crotch and he doubled over in agony as he screamed “Stupid bitch”
Sydney used that opportunity to scramble to her feet, bolt to her bedroom and lock the door behind her. It was only moments before the door handled started turning. When Jason found the door locked he became more furious.
“Open this door slut! You cheat on me; you pay!” Jason said as he began kicking the door.
“Jason! Jason stop please! Jason!” she screamed until she became hoarse from screaming and crying. She cried as she heard Jason throwing things that shattered against the door. “Jason stop” Sydney begged as she collapsed onto the floor and sobbed.
Finally it appeared Jason had given up trying to kick in the door. Sydney stopped crying and pressed her ear to the door so she could listen. She flinched as she heard a door slam. She thought it might have been Jason leaving her apartment but she wasn’t sure, so she sat on her floor, curled up in a ball rocking herself back and forth for over an hour until she was sure he was gone.
Finally she shakily opened the door to her room and walked out into her apartment which was now a complete mess. Her bookshelves had been thrown over and now their contents lay broken on the floor. The back of her bedroom door was dented, scratched and scuffed from Jason’s beating at it. Also, a flower pot was smashed on the ground with the dirt spilling out everywhere. Sydney grabbed a tissue and wiped her eyes before getting the vacuum and beginning to clean up her broken apartment for the thousandth time.
Chapter 9
“Hey Syd I rented that movie you wanted” Jason said when he came into her apartment Wednesday evening.
“Great thanks” Sydney smiled at him.
“Man I’m so beat” Jason sighed heavily as he flopped down on the couch.
“Rough day at work?” Sydney asked sweetly as she grabbed some snacks and joined him on the sofa.
“Yeah we had trouble with delivery of some equipment… it was a pain in the ass” Jason groaned as he got up and put the DVD in the player.
“Oh sorry” Sydney sighed.
“It’s ok; its over…. Time to relax” Jason said with a sly grin as he pulled a bottle of Jack Daniels from a paper bag. Sydney looked at him cautiously as he took a drink from the bottle. Jason rarely ever drank liquor straight but when he did he tended to be worse than usual.
Two hours and half a bottle later Jason was slurring his words heavily.
“You know that movie wasn’t so good”
“Why?” Sydney asked as she tried to keep her distance from Jason, who smelled like a brewery.
“It was just so… confusing” Jason said as he unsuccessfully tried to stumble to his feet.
“Well if you weren’t so drunk….” Sydney sighed under her breath.
“Whassat?”
“Nothing” She said quickly. Then she noticed Jason looking at her strangely. He reached out and sloppily stroked her hair.
“You’re preeeetty” He sighed.
“Thanks…” She said shortly. Jason dove towards her and began kissing her mouth. Sydney was revolted by the taste of the whisky.
“Jason stop” She mumbled through his kisses. She brought her hands to his chest and pushed him off of her. “Stop it you’re drunk”
“Am not” Jason protested.
“Yes you are now give me the bottle” Sydney said as she reached for it. Jason pulled it away.
“No get your own” He whined like a four year old.
“Whatever” Sydney sighed as she tried to slid off the couch.
“I didn’t say you could go” Jason said as he held Sydney down.
“Jason” She groaned as she tried to shove him off of her.
“No we’re not through having fun yet” Jason said as he took another sip from the bottle. He held the bottle to her lips but she refused to take a drink, instead she just glared at him.
“Have it your way bitch; this is more fun when you have a few drinks in you but… your loss” Jason taunted.
“Jason” Sydney gasped as he forced her down on the couch and sprawled out on top of her. He began attacking her neck with kisses and bites. “Stop”
“No” he said defiantly as he began to rip open the buttons on her sweater.
“Jason no! Stop” Sydney said as she tried frantically to push him off but he was no use. He was too drunk and stubborn to listen to her pleas and too heavy for her to remove herself. It was then that she started to sob. “Jason please I don’t want to do this”
“Too bad” He hissed as he reached for her bra and tried to remove it. Unfortunately he was too out of it to realize that it was still hooked in the back so he couldn’t pull it off.
“Jason” Sydney sobbed as he continued to tug at her bra.
“Piece of shit” He groaned. Finally he was able to push it up, although it was still hooked in the back. Sydney felt as though she might retch when he touched her but all she could do was continue to cry and beg him to stop. Finally she started to scream and do all she could to get him to stop before he began to unbutton her jeans.
Eventually Jason grew tired of Sydney’s screaming and crying. He tumbled off her onto the floor and mumbled cruel things as he grabbed his car keys and stumbled towards the exit.
Sydney lay stunned for a moment before she reached up to the top of the sofa and pulled a blanket down to cover her bare chest. She couldn’t even move because she was sobbing too hard. All she could do was thank god that Jason was either too drunk or too stupid to be able to unbutton her pants and then she cried herself to sleep.
Chapter 10
When Sydney awoke Thursday morning she was disoriented and stiff from sleeping on the couch. She sat up slightly and the blanket that was covering her drifted to the ground. It was then that she remembered that her clothes weren’t on properly so she wrapped the blanket tightly around her again. She stumbled to her feet and shuffled to the bathroom.
As she looked in the mirror she saw her red, puffy eyes and her tear streaked face. Also, clearly visible, was the bruise across her forehead that Jason has inflicted on her two days prior. She glanced at the clock. 7:05. “I can’t go in today” She sighed.
She hugged the blanket tighter as she sat on the edge of her bed and dialed a familiar number.
“Coop its me” She said hoarsely.
“Syd are you ok?” he asked.
“Yeah I’m just not feeling well; I’m not going to be able to make it in to work I’m sorry” She said as she felt tears welling in her eyes.
“Syd really are you ok? You don’t sound ok”
“No I’m fine its just… I didn’t sleep well that’s all. I’ll be fine.”
“Ok well feel better” Coop sighed.
“Thanks… bye” Sydney said as she hung up the phone.
Who knows?
Who knows the things she feels?
Who sees,
Just how deep it really is?
Sydney sighed again as she made her way back to the bathroom and turned on the shower as warm as she could stand it. She shed her clothes and got into the water as she once again let tears spill from her eyes.
Cuz everyday so much pain
Cuz her world is in constant change
And if walls could talk who'd they blame?
Guess we'll never know
And even though life is here
She don't feel like it's worth to live
Cuz no matter how much she gives
The shadows hold on…
Sydney reached for her luffa sponge and covered it in soap. She began to scrub herself as hard as she could. She wanted to wash any evidence of Jason’s touch from her. She scrubbed until her skin turned red. Then she collapsed against the shower wall and slid down to the floor of the tub where water pooled around her.
She says love me
Tell me you need me
Just like it should be
I am a child I am human
She says hold me
Don't set me free
Always protect me
Like a child only human
Finally after over an hour of the warm water beating against her back she shut off the shower and climbed out. She toweled herself dry and then put on some warm pajamas. She then began to dig through the drawers in her bathroom frantically, not even knowing what she was looking for. She pulled out an old tablet of paper and thrust it aside. As she did so, a tiny picture floated on to the floor.
Sydney picked it up and examined it. It was a picture of her and her former boyfriend Michael. She carried it with her as she went to her bed and climbed beneath the covers. She hugged it tightly to herself as she remembered the last time she had been with someone, and had truly been happy.
*Flashback*
“Michael” Sydney giggled as he began to kiss her neck. They were lying on the bed in her dorm room where Michael had come to visit her while Sydney’s roommate spent the evening away.
“Yes” he smiled coyly at her.
“What are you doing?”
“Kissing you; do you have a problem with that?” he asked.
“No but I do think we should talk about something important” She said seriously.
Michael propped himself up on his elbow and looked at her intently.
“Well I mean its been almost nine months since we got back together…”
“Its not like we were broken up really” Michael laughed.
“Yeah we were”
“For like four weeks until you came crawling back” Michael teased.
“Hey” She elbowed him. “You came crawling back to me”
“Whatever” he shrugged.
“Well anyway I was thinking… you know how a long time ago we had that whole conversation about how far we had….”
“Yeah” Michael nodded. “If memory serves we were both stuck right before the second base line”
“Yes…” Sydney smiled.
“What are you getting at?” He asked with a raised eyebrow. Sydney looked up at him and smiled broadly.
“I was wondering if you’d like to take a walk closer to second base” She asked in a soft tone.
Michael looked at her in a genuinely confused way. Sydney sighed at the fact that her subtlety hadn’t worked as she planned. She sat up and whipped her tank top over her head and tossed it across the room.
“Get it now?” She teased. Michael looked fully stunned at her. “What?”
“WOW” he gasped.
“Is that a bad wow?” She asked as she suddenly felt very self conscious.
“No, its very, very good” he smiled as he leaned in to kiss her.
*End Flashback*
Tears were now falling down Sydney’s face at the memory of her and Michael. In that moment she realized just how much she missed him. She remembered that night. She remembered the electric feel of his hands on her creamy, soft skin. She remembered the warmth and passion of his lips on hers. And although that night they had only made it to the approximate position of the short stop (using the baseball analogy they were so fond of) she remembered feeling that in that moment she could have been with him forever.
If she was born again
Would things be different?
Would she ever know
What it feels like to actually be loved?
Would her life repeat?
So we can blame it on history
But for right now
She needs someone
To show her love and affection
Sydney reached for a tissue and caught a glimpse of a photo she had of her and Jason by her bedside. She picked up the frame and heaved it against the wall where it shattered. She sobbed harder as she buried her face in her pillow and tried to sleep.
She says love me
Tell me you need me
Just like it should be
I am a child I am human
She says hold me
Don't set me free
Always protect me
Like a child only human
Lyrics: Tamyra Gray, "Like a Child"
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Chapters 11 - 20