Still Here


I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t even know where I am. Everything is hazy and sounds fuzzy with a few voices mixed in. My body is stiff, I can’t move at all. It seems the only thing working is my brain, and my ears; I can still hear. It’s the only one of my five senses still working. I strain to try and hear what’s going on around me. Focusing is so difficult but I try my hardest and finally I hear a few words.

“Mrs. Vaughn?”

It’s a man’s voice. Then, I hear nothing for a few seconds, maybe longer.

“Mom.”

That’s Bella, she sounds older maybe, but her voice is strained.

“Mom, it’s been six months.” Bella says.

Six months? What’s been six months? What is she talking about?

“It’s not fair anymore Mom. He’s just laying there. He’s just... we all need to let go.”

That’s Bella, my Isabella, speaking with wisdom beyond her years. I’m so proud of her right now.

“Bella’s right.”

That’s Rachel. She’s crying. I can hear it in her voice.

Slowly, I’m beginning to peace this all together. Maybe... maybe it’s been six months from that night. Yes, maybe. Maybe I’m in a coma, which could make sense. I mean, I’ve heard coma patients can hear what’s going on around them. But, that doesn’t explain why I remember nothing from the past six months.

“Okay,” Sydney sniffs. Then, I hear footsteps. Something’s happening, I’m not sure what, and then I realize. I must be hooked up to a respirator. They’re taking me off life support to let me die.

I feel the oxygen being unhooked. No longer is precious air being forced into my body, causing the rise and fall of my chest. It’s all me now and I gotta tell you, it’s damn hard.

I hear Sydney whimper. I can see them. Not see them, but imagine what they look like. She might be hugging the girls or maybe she’s standing alone, but I know the girls are hugging each other.

“His breath sounds are decreasing.”

What? No? No I won’t let it. Please, fight, come on, I can do this. I can do this. Every breath is a labor. It’s so hard; this is the hardest thing I’ve done in my life.

“Hear rate’s decreasing.”

NO! No, I can’t. Please, please god, just let me breathe, let me wake up. Please, please I’ve come so close, please.

That breath was harder than the last. It’s hurting more and more. It would be so easy to give up, but I don’t want to give up. Not with them right there.

I hear shuffling footsteps. “Mom what are you doing?” Bella asks.

“I won’t let him die alone,” she sniffs. I feel the bed moving. She must be climbing in beside me. “I’m right here Michael,” she whispers into my ear. I can feel her curl her body around me, her arm is across my stomach and she’s resting her hand against my arm. She lays her head down next to my shoulder and just stays there.

I can feel her; I can feel her around me. Is my breathing easier? It feels that way but, god, I’m not sure. I’d give anything to move my hand and touch her. I want to let her know that I’m here. I can hear her. I can feel her.

God, please, God. I want to wake up. I want to live. I’ll do anything, please, please just, please.

“Mom,” Rachel whimpers. Sydney does nothing; she just stays.

“What’s happening?” Bella asks.

“Sometimes, it can take... longer,” a man, who I assume is a doctor, says cautiously.

“But that thing, it’s going up,” Bella says. The doctor says nothing.

I’m still here. I’m fighting. I don’t know how much time has passed but I won’t let go. I won’t. I can’t. Six months. They gave me one month to live and a coma wouldn’t change that. Cancer still would have killed my body, coma or no coma. Something must have changed. If it changed in six months, it can change forever, can’t it?

Six months. Six freaking months! That’s over one hundred and eight days! That’s four thousand, three hundred and twenty hours! I’m doing complex multiplication in my head and I cannot be dying!

Okay, think, feel, breath, touch. Eyes open! Didn’t work... Maybe I can try harder... a few deep breaths... yes, they’re open. I can see Bella! I can see her! She’s wearing that hideous t-shirt that I hate but never told her that I hate it. I should have thrown it out but god, I’ve never been so happy to see it in my life. I don’t think she sees me. She’s hugging Rachel too tightly.

If my eyes are open, I can move my hand. I can. I try once and fail. I try again and I succeed in moving my thumb, I think. Third time’s the charm. Sydney’s hand is resting right next to mine and I touch it. She jumps and gasps.

“Mom?” Bella asks questioningly.

“I think.... I think he moved...,” she says hoarsely. She’s sitting up now, but looking over at the girls. Come on Sydney, look at me, you can do it. Look at me damn it!

“That’s impossible. It’s been almost twenty minutes,” the doctor sighs.

“He’s been breathing on his own for twenty minutes?” Sydney asks, then slowly, she turns, looks me straight in the eye, and screams bloody murder, falling backwards off the bed in the process. A funny sight, had she not looked so horrified.

“Mom!” Rachel gasps as both girls help her off the ground.

“His eyes are open,” she croaks out, her voice sounding haunted.

“What?!” Rachel and Bella gasp together before looking up at me. Now three pairs of identical, huge brown eyes are staring back at me, all of them utterly terrified. My girls, my girls, I’ve scared them. I’d kill myself if I wasn’t so determined to live.

The doctor comes over and shines his damn flashlight in my face, looking utterly dumbfounded. “I... I, um, I need to get.... I’ll be right back,” he says, as he bolts from the room.

Slowly, the three of them approach, looking as if they’re walking towards a ghost. Sydney is on one side, the girls on the other. Sydney sits down on the side of the bed, not touching me and looking as scared as ever. “Michael? Can you hear me?”

I could nod my head, I think if I wasn’t afraid this damn tube down my throat would damage something. I try and move my hand that is closest to her. I manage to lift it high enough to slide it onto her thigh, right next to where her hand is resting. The three of them stare at it for a second before Sydney starts sobbing violently and flings herself forward, crying into my chest.

Okay, I’ll admit, that hurt a little bit, but honestly I don’t care. I look over to the girls and try to raise my hand to Bella’s which is closest to me. “Daddy?” She sobs. I blink at her, for that’s all I can do. She then joins her mother on the bed, sobbing, followed shortly after by her sister.

The doctor returns a few moments later with two other doctors and a nurse. They tell my wife and daughters to leave and practically have to call security before they pry themselves away. The doctors talk among themselves. They’re acting as if I can’t hear them even though I can hear every word. Apparently, they don’t know why I’m alive. That’s comforting....

They draw some blood and do a few other tests before finally pulling the tube out of my throat. I cough, which hurts immensely on my weak and tried body. I swallow hard a few times before uttering one word. “Sydney.”

“Your wife can come back in shortly, Mr. Vaughn,” the doctor says while looking at some papers from a heart monitor. I close my eyes, too tired to keep them open for now.


I must have fallen asleep, because when I open my eyes, the room is dark but Sydney is sitting beside me, staring at me looking as though she’s afraid to even blink.

“Syd,” I whisper.

She jumps slightly at this sudden noise from me and then leans forward. “Michael?” She whimpers. I nod. She presses her face against mine. I can feel the tears streaming down her face but feeling them feels good. I know I’m alive.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her.

She pulls he face back from mine and looks at me, curious. “What?”

“I’m sorry I made you suffer. I’m sorry I put you though all this pain. I’d never want to hurt you, Syd.”

“Oh, Michael,” she sighs. “No, don’t, I... it’s ok, really. This alone is worth it.” She tells me, pressing her lips to mine. “Oh,” she grimaces. “Your lips are so dry, you need Chapstick.”

I see her digging through her purse in her lap. “Don’t you dare put any of your colored lip stuff things on me, woman,” I tease (well partly, hospital or not I will not wear lipstick).

He head snaps up at me and she smiles what I’m sure is the first real smile in six months. She giggles softly a giggle that makes my heart turn over in my chest the same way it has for the past thirty five years. “It’s clear, matcho man,” she says while applying it to my lips.

“Thanks,” I mumble.

“You’re welcome,” she says, putting it back in her purse.

“Syd? What happened?” I ask.

She looks down as if she’s a child being scolded for doing something bad. “I got scared,” she says quietly, her voice trembling. “I know you told me not to call, but I woke up at three and I didn’t think you were breathing. I was so scared that I called 911. I’m sorry.” She shakes her head.

“It’s ok,” I tell her. Never in my life have I been so glad that she failed to listen to me again.

“They said you went into a coma, it was the end, only a few days. That was six months ago,” she tells me. I just nod softly. “We... we decided that... well, your condition hadn’t changed in months. They said it was just the respirator keeping you alive. I didn’t want you to be just a shell, laying there Michael. Please, I...,” she begs as if defending herself for attempted murder.

“Syd, don’t,” I tell her. “It’s ok. I’m... it’s ok.”

“Okay.” She smiles softly as she kisses me again.

“I’m tired Syd,” I tell her truthfully.

“Go to sleep. I’m not leaving.” She tells me.

“Love you...,” I sigh weakly before drifting to sleep.

~*~

When I wake next, the blinds are open and there is light pouring into the room. I look beside me and see Sydney’s sister Nadia reading a magazine. I notice that her belly looks slightly swollen and her face is puffier than its usual boney frame. “Are you pregnant?” I ask.

“JESUS!” she screams as she jumps about a foot out of the chair, clutching her hand to her chest.

“Sorry,” I cringe.

“Yes, I’m pregnant,” she says, moving her hand from her chest to her belly. “I found out right after you...”

“Congratulations.” I smile.

“Thanks. How are you?” Nadia asks.

“Been better,” I tell her truthfully. “Where’s Syd?”

“She had to go to Bella’s school something about a principal. I don’t know she was screeching.” Nadia tells me.

“Bella’s school? What happened?” I ask.

“I don’t know. All I know is that I was told to ‘get my ass down here or risk the life of my unborn child’.” Nadia mocks her sister’s tone with great accuracy.

“Nice.” I laugh softly with a cough. “Hey Nadia, what day is it?”

“Uh,” she says, glancing down at her watch. “October second.”

I smile softly. “Yesterday was the day I met Sydney, thirty five years ago.” Thirty five years; it feels longer.

“Ohh yes, I remember that day.”

“Nadia, you were one, how could you remember?” I ask.

She shrugs. “I remember you guys talking bout it so much that I remember it.”

“Ah,” I sigh. Then, I look up at her. She’s looking at me with this strange, confused, questioning stare. “Go ahead, say it.” I know she wants to. She hesitates. “Nadia, I’ve known you your whole life too...”

“Well, it’s just, what happened Michael?” she asks cautiously.

Ah, the one thing I can’t answer but wish I could. “I have no idea.”

“Well, I mean, do you feel ok?” She asks.

I shrug. “I guess, I dunno.” The truth is I don’t feel that bad. I sort of feel like I’m getting over the flu or something. I’m a little tired and a little achy but aside from that, I feel fine.

“Well, that’s good,” she says.

“So, um, how’s everyone?” I ask. Nadia and I have always had a slight awkwardness to our conversations if we’re in a room by ourselves. I mean, I’ve been around them for thirty five years and Nadia is like a sister to me but still, the awkwardness is unavoidable.

“Eric got a new job and uh, oh well, Sydney and the girls had to move,” Nadia tells me.

“Ohh, did they?” I sigh sadly. I hate that but I knew it would happen.

“Yeah, they moved like four months ago. They live down the street from Eric and me.”

“Oh, that’s good,” I say. Just then, Sydney walks in and she smiles broadly when she sees I’m awake.

“Hey, you’re up.” She sighs.

“Yeah,” I say.

“I’ll leave you two then. I’ll be back though,” Nadia smiles as she squeezes my hand. Then, she waddles out of the room, holding onto her belly. Sydney takes her position in the chair beside mine but not before kissing me softly.

“What happened to Bella?” I ask immediately.

“Oh nothing...,” she waves me off with her hand.

“Syd.”

“Well, some girl was teasing her or something and Bella pushed her into a locker,” Sydney tells me.

I gasp slightly. That’s not my Bella, she’d never do that. “What?”

“Yeah, I don’t know. She had to go take a test so I told her we’d talk about it when she got home,” Sydney says to me.

“Ohh, alright, I want to talk to her too,” I tell her.

She smiles softly and brings my hand to her cheek. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay.” I say.

“I passed the doctor on the way in here. He told me he’d be here in a few minutes to talk to us.”

“Alright.” I nod. “Hey Syd? Nadia told me what day it was... I’m sorry I missed your birthday. I mean, the big four-o, you’re an old lady now,” I tease.

She laughs softly and rolls her eyes. “Don’t remind me.”

“I’m still sorry I missed it.”

She shakes her head. “Don’t be.”

“Still, I’ll make it up to you,” I tell her.

“Oh yeah? How?”

“I promise I’ll never miss another birthday.” I say honestly. I always keep my promises and this one I have to keep.

She leans in close and nuzzles her face against mine. Saying nothing but I know what she means. She goes to kiss me, but I pull back. She looks curious. “Sorry, I haven’t brushed my teeth in like six months.”

She laughs softly. “I actually don’t care about that right now.” She leans in for another kiss but this time, we’re interrupted by the doctor.

“Well, um, it’s not too often in anyone’s career really that, um, well, you see Mr. Vaughn,” the doctor stammers. “We don’t know why you’re alive.”

“Oh, excellent,” I say sarcastically. Sydney squeezes my hand tighter.

“You blood tests show no evidence of cancer. Everything is normal. You appear to be in perfect health,” he says.

“Appear?” Sydney asks.

“Well, he is in perfect health. It’s nothing short of a miracle,” the doctor says.

Sydney and I exchange glances. “So what now?” Sydney asks the question I was just about to. “Can he come home?”

“Well, we’d like to keep him at least two more days for observation, but then, yes, he can,” the doctor says. Sydney smiles at me. “There is one more thing, an offer from the hospital. As you know, this is a teaching hospital and we’d be interested in using this case as a research case. Strictly observation, maybe a few other tests, at no cost to you. As compensation, we’d forgive half of the medical bills.”

“I, I, um, could we talk it over for a moment?” Sydney asks. The doctor nods and says he’ll be back in a few minutes before he leaves. “I, I don’t want to encourage you to become a lab rat Michael, but hospital bills...”

“No, it’s ok.” I cut her off. I can only imagine what six months of life support would cost. That’s a scary number. “I’ll do it. As long as they promise I can go home once they’re through feeding me cheese.” I smile.

She laughs softly, leans in and kisses me. “I love you and I thought I’d never get another chance to say it,” she says while sobbing softly.

“Shh it’s ok,” I tell her softly. “I love you, too.”

~*~

The next three days are endlessly long filled with hundreds of different people asking me the same questions over and over and then prodding me with needles. Then came the MRIs, bone scans and whatever the hell else they did to me. Finally, I can go home, though sadly it isn’t to a home I know, but my girls will be there. Sydney got caught up in an emergency at work so my parents came to pick me up and take me home. They came to see me two days ago and my mom cried for half an hour which made me cry for a few minutes which then made my father cry. Yeah, we were a mess.

“I’m okay, Mom.” I sigh as my father helps me out of the car and my mother looks like I’m going to shatter onto the driveway. Walking is slightly difficult because I haven’t done it in six months and my legs are incredibly stiff, but I’m ok. I gotta hand it to Syd, this is a nice place. Smaller of course, but it’s something I would have picked out for us. There is a two car garage and I notice my car is in it. They mention something about Sydney driving both of them, not wanting to give either of them up and intending on keeping the other for Bella when she gets her license in a few years, a though that practically makes my hair turn white instantaneously.

Inside, it’s nice and homey, perfectly us and exactly like our other house. The girls A papers tacked up on the refrigerator as well as a few drawings from way back when, school pictures of them everywhere and the large wedding photo of us. They take me upstairs and I settle down into our bed, but only for a moment. “I’m taking a shower.”

“Michael, you need to rest,” Mom tells me.

“Mom, I haven’t showered in six months, for the love of god, I need to be clean,” I plead. “Five minutes... three minutes!” I barter with her as she gives me one of her dangerous looks.

“Three minutes, I’m timing you,” she says. I roll my eyes but agree. I retrieve some clothes Sydney has left on the end of the bed and head towards the bathroom.

It takes me a little bit longer than three minutes because, frankly, showers are good. I love showers; they’re the best thing ever. Clean is good; dirt bad. Mom is glaring at me when I come out so I apologize profusely and crawl into bed like a good little boy.

“We’re staying until Sydney gets here,” she tells me. I begin to protest but she explains that Sydney instructed them not to leave me out of their sight. I can’t help but laugh at that because it’s just so Sydney. So, I snuggle down in the covers, grab Sydney’s pillow and inhale the mixture of her shampoo and perfume on it before drifting off to sleep.

~*~

When I wake, I notice that it’s gotten darker outside and there is a note beside my head on the pillow. Downstairs making dinner, yell if you need me. I laugh softly to myself as I roll over on my back, debating on getting up when I hear the door creak open softly and someone takes a few footsteps into the room. I don’t even have to look and I know who it is. “Commere Bella,” I say quietly. I haven’t seen the girls since that day I woke up in the hospital. Apparently, the hospital has strict rules about children under 16 visiting. They made the exception when they thought I was going to die, but other than that, they’re not allowed. But, Sydney told me she’d sneak them in one every other week while I was in the coma.

“How’d you know it was me?” She asks quietly.

“Well,” I say as I move over in bed to make room for her to sit beside me. “I’m your Dad, of course I knew.” I smile.

She sits and smiles back at me. “Okay. How are you?”

“I’m good, how are you?” I ask as I poke at her belly button.

She giggles. “Good.”

“Your mom told me she had a meeting with your principle a few days ago.” I say. Bella looks away. “You pushed someone into a locker, Isabella? That’s not like you.”

She looks back, slightly sad. I used her full name; she knows I’m unhappy with her. “It was the day after you woke up,” she begins. “I was so excited and I was telling Megan, you know Megan right?”

I nod; Megan’s been Bella’s best friend since sixth grade.

“Well, this girl, Karen, she’s so mean, she walks past and I guess she heard me or something, I dunno. Anyway, she says in this horrible tone ‘what are you talking about? Your dad’s dead,’” she finishes with a little sob and my heart breaks. “I’m sorry Dad,” she says.

“Shh, Bella it’s ok.” I sigh as I pull her down into a hug. She grabs my arm so tightly and just holds on as she cries. It takes her a few minutes but she finally composes herself, sits up and apologizes for crying all over me. I tell her it’s ok as I kiss her forehead. “Hey, you have a birthday coming up next week don’t you? You’re going to be a teen – which, might I add, is a horrifying thought to your horribly aged father.”

“Dad,” she giggles. “You’re not aged.”

“Compared to you I am!”

“Whatever.” She rolls her eyes.

“So what do you want kiddo?”

“Nothing.” She tells me.

I’m shocked. This cannot be my Bella, this decade’s new material girl complete with designer purse and shoes. “No, you want something, tell me.”

“No, I don’t want anything else.”

“Else?”

“I got you Dad, that’s all I want,” she tells me. With this, a tear comes to my eye and I try to fight it, but it’s not use.

“Tell your mom I’ll be down in a second,” I say hoarsely.

“She said you’re not allowed to move from bed,” Bella says.

I roll my eyes. “Then don’t tell her so you won’t be in trouble when I come down stairs in a minute.”

“Okay.” She laughs. After she leaves, I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth again. Yeah, right now the toothbrush is ranking right up there with showers. Once I’m done, I go down stairs.

“DADDY!” Rachel squeals as she runs over and just about knocks me over with the force of her hug.

“Hey pumpkin.” I sigh as I run my fingers through her long brown hair. My little pumpkin turned nine two months ago and I missed it. She’s growing up too fast.

“Michael what are you doing?” Sydney asks in an almost scolding tone.

I smile at her. “I’m ok.” I say as I waddle with Rachel still latched onto me and sit down at the dining room table, where Bella is putting the plates around. Sydney looks unsure but she turns back to the stove, where something is hissing.

“I missed you, Daddy,” Rachel says as she sits down on my knee.

“I missed you too, pumpkin,” I say as I kiss her head.

“Rachel did you wash your hands?” Sydney asks as she brings a few pots from the stove over to the table. Rachel groans as she slides off my lap and stomps the whole way to the bathroom. I laugh; oh how I missed her pouting.

So, as it turns out, the shower and toothbrush run a very distant second to food. Food is so good. Food is awesome. I love food. Sydney actually had to take my plate away for fear I’d keep eating and make myself sick, which I probably will, but it was soooooo worth it.

It’s after eight and I’m starting to get a little sleepy but I don’t want to move. I’m sitting on the couch buried among all my girls. Sydney is under my left arm, Bella under my right and Rachel with her head in my lap and her body across her mother’s lap. This is the most perfect moment of my life. Sydney keeps giving me questioning glances. I know she doesn’t want me to tire out; I don’t want to tire out, but I can’t move.

Finally, Sydney make Rachel go and get ready for bed, so we turn off the TV and Bella retreats to the computer, which, apparently, has become her new favorite toy. I follow Rachel upstairs and make sure she’s tucked in before retiring to my own bed, since I’m about to collapse.

It’s not too long after I’m laying down that Sydney comes up and gets ready for bed herself. She notices me watching her change into her pajamas and smiles softly at me. “So, what do you think of the house?” she asks quietly.

“It’s nice,” I tell her. “I like it.”

“Me too... I mean, it’s not as nice as the other one but...”

“No, it’s good.” I tell her. She climbs into bed, leans down and kisses me passionately. When she pulls back, she’s crying. “Shh,” I try too sooth her. She continues to sob as she curls up in my arms, hugs me tightly, and buries her head in my neck.

“I’m glad you’re back.” She sniffs.

“Me too,” I say with more truth than I could ever describe.

“I’m so scared you’ll go away.”

“I won’t,” I tell her. I won’t. I really, really won’t. Sleep Sydney, I’ll still be here tomorrow.