Living for the Moments

Summary: Continuation of Watching Over You, my version of Vaughn in Season 5.

Disclaimer: JJ owns it all, isn't he a lucky guy?

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I’m sitting here swirling my drink in my left hand like I always do in the evenings. This place is dirty, grimy and seedy, but it’s a great place to hide out. That’s exactly what I need to do; hide out, blend it, so I can’t be seen. I take another sip of the amber, bitter liquid and swallow it with a grimace. It’s not exactly the ideal way to spend my life but, hey, it passes the time.

It’s been five- wait no, almost six months since I’ve seen her. Almost six months since that day in the hospital; the day I died. It’s hard to describe how much I miss her. A constant ache would be the closest description I could think of. This... the way I’m behaving... it’s like I did when she was dead. Sitting here, hiding out, drinking. But she’s not dead. She’s perfectly fine. Pregnant with our baby. But it’s like she’s dead to me. I can’t see her. I can’t touch her. I can’t watch our child grown in her belly; hearing it’s heart beat.... god, I’d give anything to hear that. Instead I’m stuck, here, alone... searching by day for answers as inconspicuously as I can, and then hiding out by night.

I feel like I’m just wasting away. What am I achieving? Nothing. I’ve come no closer to finding out who wanted me dead than I was six months ago. I’m changing physically too. I have this huge beard which I grew to keep myself from being recognized and I keep my hair dyed black. I’m thinner too, caused mostly from a diet of alcohol and sorrow. So I’m wasting away, but there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. I’m just stuck.

Behind me in the bar a fight is beginning. Chairs are being thrown, as well as punches. I throw some money on the counter, enough to cover my drink and tip the bartender, before sliding off my stool and retreating into the shadows. I don’t need to be involved in anything tonight or ever; not when I’m hiding. While I’m backing towards the exit, I let my eyes graze over the fight just as the loud bang of a gunshot is heard. Screams fill the room as people duck towards the floor. I, however, go immediately on high alert. I spot someone snatching something off a table and then running up the back stairs. My heart stops.

I’d know her movements anywhere. I see them in my dreams and nightmares every night. It’s her. She’s here. She doesn’t even know that I’m here too. My eyes are locked on her as she goes up the stairs and out of view. Her movements are slower than I remember, perhaps because of the pregnancy, I don’t know.

Suddenly I find myself racing out the back, trying to cut her off before she gets to her extraction point. This is crazy. This is madness. This is so dangerous, but she’s right here. How can I not see her? I crave her every second and I just can’t deny myself one look into her eyes.

The bar is located on the second floor of a three story building. She must have gone up to the third story to make her way to the fire escape and come back down. Or at least, I hope that’s what she did because I’m waiting in the shadows of the fire escape. I hear a door slam shut and the stairs begin to creak as someone descends. I press myself up against the wall, waiting for her to pass. I see her now. She’s dressed in black, clutching something in one hand as she guides herself down the rickety stairs with the other.

When she passes, I reach out and touch her arm lightly. She gasps and my other hand shoots to her mouth, clamping it shut tight. Not the best idea, but if she makes a sound this won’t work. Her eyes widen at me for a moment, but then she sees. What I must look like to her... a crazed homeless man probably, but my eyes are still the same; they could never change. They’re filled with love for her and only her. She sees me and her eyes flood with tears.

I lift my hand off of her arms and press my index finger to my lips, indicating for her to be quiet. She nods and I release her mouth. She looks as though she’ll break down right here, but we’re exposed and we can’t be. I grab her hand and we descend the stairs together. Together. We’re together again. If only it would last.

Cloaked by the darkness, we make our way through an alleyway near the bar. I stop at an almost invisible trap door in the pavement and hold out my hand telling her to stop walking. I kneel down and unlock the large padlock, take it off and open the door. I reach out for her hand so I can help her down the steps. As she passes me, for the very first time I can see the large bulge in the front of her shirt. My breath catches in my chest and I almost start to cry right here. That’s our bump.

Once she clears the stairs, I follow her inside, close and lock the door behind us. Then I slip past her, taking her hand again and pulling her down the narrow corridor. I stop in front of a metal door, unlocking it as well. Then I gently push her inside and lock it behind us, switching on the light as I do.

Finally, I look over at her and in the light I can see that she has let the tears begin to fall. “We’re safe here, for a little while,” I whisper to her.

“Vaughn,” she chokes out as she throws herself upon me. I just hold her there for a moment or so, rubbing her back softly, telling her it’s alright, even though we both know that ‘alright’ is the furthest possible thing from our situation right now. Finally, I stop myself no longer, I bring my hands from her back around to her front, letting them run over the huge bump that is there. She lifts her head off my shoulder and smiles at me, a smile that I’ve missed so much that it breaks my heart.

“How’s our little... it?” I smile.

She laughs softly and puts her hands on top of mine. “It’s a boy.”

A son. I’m going to have a son. “Really?” I breathe. This is so amazing I cannot even process it. She smiles and nods. “Oh Syd....,” I sigh as I lean my forehead up against hers. She tilts her head up and brings her lips to mine for a moment before hesitating. “Sorry about the beard,” I cringe. She hates it when I have even the slightest bit of a five o’clock shadow – this must be killing her.

“Don’t care,” she sighs as she snakes her arm around behind my head and pulls me into another kiss. God, how have I lived without this for six months? She breaks our kiss and hugs me close, or as close as I can get with her belly in the way. “Vaughn... where are we?” she asks.

I laugh softly. “This is where I live. Pathetic, isn’t it?” I laugh at the cement walls and cot in a very tiny space.

“It’s horrible,” she says.

“Better than in the grave,” I jest. She turns away, hurt. “Syd...”

“It’s hard,” she whispers. “It’s so hard Vaughn... I miss you so much.”

“I know. I miss you too.” I sigh as I put my arms around her.

“It’s not fair! You’re missing everything!” she sobs into my chest.

“I’m not missing this, right here, right now.”

“But it’s only a moment.”

“So? We live for the moments, you and I, Syd. We always have,” I tell her. She nods into my chest. “Hey, come ‘ere.” I say softly as I pull her towards the bed. She sits with slight difficulty and I sit beside her. “Can I?” I ask with my fingers gently rubbing the edge of her shirt.

She smiles and lies back against the mattress. “Of course.”

I smile back at her and lift her shirt up above her extended belly. This is surreal. Incredible, but surreal. When I left her, she looked normal. Not that this isn’t normal, just not typical for her. I’m used to her flat stomach and this is far from flat.

I examine every inch of it. There are a few faint stretch marks that wouldn’t be noticed by most, but I see them because I have every inch of her memorized. My hands slide back and forth, up and down, and all around her stomach. “Vaughn that tickles,” she laughs.

“Sorry,” I whisper. I lower my face and press a few kisses below her belly button before I rest my face against her bump, just feeling every part of it. It’s only a moment before I feel a tiny little... well, I don’t know what it is, under my thumb. Then, I feel it again and it hits me; it’s a kick.

My eyes widen and I look up at Sydney, who’s grinning impossibly wide and nodding softly. I look back down towards my thumb, where just a moment earlier, I felt my son kick up against the edge of her belly. This unbelievably amazing miracle has brought tears to my eyes and I could not even being to express how much this means. Suddenly, the tears are flowing freely as I realize that if life continues this way, I’ll miss this little boy’s entrance into the world and I could miss everything else in his amazing life.

I slide up the bed and rest my head against her shoulder, my one hand never leaving her belly. She kisses the side of my head and runs her fingers through my hair. “I don’t want to leave, Vaughn.”

I sigh heavily, wiping the rest of my tears from my cheeks. “I don’t want you to either, but we don’t have a choice.”

She turns her head away and looks at the wall. “I’m sorry,” she says in an almost guilty way.

“For what?”

“I’m sorry I haven’t found the people who did this to you; us.”

“You will,” I tell her.

She turns her head back to me and looks desperately serious. “Promise me something Vaughn.”

“What? Anything.”

“Promise we’ll see each other again.”

“I promise Syd, I promise,” I tell her. She nods slowly and then leans her face towards mine, giving me a long kiss.

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I have to go... but I can’t get up...,” she laughs softly. I laugh too as I grab her hand and help her to her feet. “Are you going to stay here?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“If I do, you’ll come back for me,” I tell her with a knowing smile. She blushes and turns away. I know her better than she knows herself. I kiss her head and then walk over to the door and begin to unlock the deadbolts.

“Jordan,” I say.

“Excuse me?” she asks, sounding confused.

“Jordan. I like the name Jordan... in case you were curious.” I smile at her.

She laughs softly, but nods. “Jordan. Jordan Michael... I like it.” She grins.

“Jordan Michael Bristow-Vaughn... he’s going to hate us.” I laugh.

“Eh, he’ll hate us eventually anyway,” she shrugs.

“Hey Syd?”

“Hmm?”

“We’ll find each other,” I whisper.

“I know we will.” She smiles.

-Fin-