I Remember
Author: Janet (SkyGirl5)
Genre: S/V, AU
Summary:
Disclaimer: Sydney, Vaughn, etc are properties of JJ Abrams and ABC.
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Chapters 1-10 // Chapters 11 - 20 // Chapters 21-24
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Chapter 1
“Eric I can’t do this...” Sydney sobbed as Eric was driving her to the hospital. She was sitting in the back seat of his car with her sister Nadia by her side clutching her hand.
“Yes you can Syd” Eric reassured her.
“No, no, no I can’t” She cried.
“Sydney Bristow – you’ve been shot, gotten the hell beat out of you, shot again, you died, were resurrected and you’re afraid of childbirth?!” Eric gasped.
“No” Sydney sobbed. “I can’t do it without him.”
Nadia smoothed her sister’s hair. “Yes you can Sydney.”
“How do you know?”
“I may have only known you for a little more than a year but I know that you’re a thousand times stronger than you think you are.” Nadia said.
“She’s right Syd. You can do this and you’ll be fantastic at it.” Eric said.
“Really....” She flinched as another contraction coursed through her body. She grabbed her round belly and moaned.
“Breathe honey just breathe” Nadia said.
They arrived at the hospital a few minutes later and Sydney was rushed up to the maternity ward. Nadia and Eric followed.
“You think she’ll be ok?” Eric asked her.
“I hope so.” Nadia sighed as she gave him a hug. “What time is it?”
“It’s a little after 10...” he sighed.
“NADIA!” Sydney called. Nadia rushed in to her sister where she found the doctor examining her.
“Yeah?”
“Nadia could you call my dad?”
“Eric already did.” Nadia said. She walked over and squeezed her sister’s hand.
“Well you look like you’re doing well.” The doctor said.
“How much longer?”
“Well its hard to tell it could be only an hour or so or it could be longer.” He told her.
“But I need this baby to be born tonight.” Sydney said.
The doctor chuckled. “We’ll see.” Then he left.
“No, no I need the baby tonight.” Sydney began to sob.
“Why? What’s tonight?” Nadia asked.
“It’s October first....” Sydney said distantly. Then she screamed as she felt another contraction. Nadia grabbed her hand and squeezed it tight.
“Breathe Sydney just breathe”
“I can’t....” She moaned.
“Yes you can!”
“It hurts!”
“Uh how about uh... Eric and I got married.” Nadia blurted out.
“NADIA!” Eric shouted from the doorway.
“WHAT?!” Sydney exclaimed.
“Why did you tell her that?” Eric asked.
“Well I wanted to distract her.” Nadia grimaced.
Sydney’s contraction stopped and her breathing returned to normal. “Wait... what? Did you really get married?”
“NO” Eric said.
“YES” Nadia said.
Sydney looked at them both with perplexed expression.
“Ok yes...” Eric groaned.
“WHA-?” Sydney stammered.
“We weren’t going to tell anyone!” Eric sighed as he glared at Nadia.
“Oh my God are you pregnant too?” Sydney asked her sister.
“No,” she laughed. “It’s just no one at the agency knows about us except you...”
“You’re forgetting I’m not with the agency anymore.” Sydney groaned as she tried to make herself more comfortable.
“Well yeah.... anyway no it was sorta a spur of the moment thing.” Nadia shrugged.
“That’s great guys at least one of us can be married.” Sydney sighed.
“Syd-“ Eric began.
“No, no it’s ok....” Sydney said as she felt herself beginning to cry again. “I think I’m going to try and rest a bit ok?”
“Ok Syd we’ll be here if you need us.” Nadia said.
Sydney closed her eyes and tried to regulate her breathing to calm herself down. As she lay there her mind drifted back to the last time she saw Vaughn, father of her child and love of her life....
*FLASHBACK*
“Syd I really have to go” He said as she was kissing him.
“No, no you don’t” She whined. They were lying in bed together in the middle of the afternoon.
“Yes I do...” he sighed as he slid out of bed and began to dress.
“When’s your flight?” She asked.
“Half an hour.”
“I wish I could go.”
“Sydney Bristow if you do not rest that sprained ankle it will never heal and then what would the US Government do without its best agent?” He teased.
“I’m not the best.” She sighed.
“Yeah you are.” He winked at her.
“You’ll be home in two days right?” She asked.
“Of course – it’s just a simple surveillance mission. No big deal.”
“Okay... well be safe.” She smiled.
“I always am.” He winked. Then he leaned over and kissed her before walking out of her bedroom.
“I love you Vaughn.” She said.
“I love you too Bristow.” He smiled and then he disappeared.
*END FLASHBACK*
Sydney was now sobbing violently.
“Syd honey what’s wrong?” Nadia asked.
“I was just thinking about him...” She sobbed. Nadia just hugged her. She had no idea how her sister was doing this. Nadia knew that she herself would never be strong enough.
There was a knock at the door. “Sweetheart?” Jack asked.
“Daddy come in.” Sydney said.
“I’ll give you two a minute.” Nadia said as she slipped out.
“How are you?” Jack asked.
“I’ve been better.” Sydney said with a half smile. Just then she felt another contraction and grimaced. Jack grabbed her hand. “I’m ok, I’m ok...” She panted.
“You sure?” He asked.
She nodded. “You ready to be a grandfather?” She asked.
“Uh....” Jack stammered. Sydney laughed.
“What time is it Dad?”
“Almost 11:30 why?” Jack said.
Sydney sighed heavily. Please, please let it be tonight. “Nothing.”
“Everyone at work sends their love.... Marshall offered to make you any gadgets you need.” Jack told her.
Sydney smiled. “I miss them...”
“You didn’t have to...”
“Yeah I did and you know why too” She said. Jack nodded. He knew she would never let her child grow up with out a mother and a father like she did. It was bad enough the child would never know her father. Tears began welling in Sydney’s eyes.
“Well I’ll give you some time...” Her father said as he headed for the door.
“Please send Eric in – I need to ask him something.” She said. Jack nodded. A few minutes later Eric came in the door.
“The coffee here sucks.” He said. She smiled.
“Eric?”
“Yeah Syd?”
“Would he be happy?” Sydney asked.
“What?” Eric asked in surprise.
“Would Vaughn be happy that I’m.... doing this?”
“Syd of course he would.” Eric said as he rubbed her arm comfortingly. “Syd Michael loved you unlike I’ve ever seen anyone love someone. You were his world. He just worshiped you. He would be so thrilled that you’re having his baby. I’m sure he’s just devastated that he can’t be here to be with you but I know he’s probably so proud of you. He wanted to be with you Sydney – he wanted to be with you forever. Why else do you think he gave you this?” Eric said as he held up her left hand and pointed to the diamond ring on her finger.
“I know...” She sighed. “It’s just.... he never even knew....”
“I’m sure he does.” Eric smiled. She gave him a reassuring smile. Then the doctor came in.
“I’ll wait outside.” Eric said.
“Good news” The doctor said after examining her. “You’re ready to go to delivery”
“Really?” Sydney gasped.
“Yes. I’ll be back in a minute to get you.”
Oh my god, She thought. Please let it be ok... please let everything be ok.... Vaughn I need you....
Chapter 2
Sydney was being wheeled through the hallway when Jack, Eric and Nadia came up to her.
“Good luck sweetie” Jack said as he squeezed her had.
“You’ll be fine.” Eric smiled.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come?” Nadia asked.
“Yeah I gotta do this by myself.” Sydney said.
As she was going through the hallway she couldn’t help remember about the man she loved and how much he loved her.....
”I got you something”
“What? No you didn’t”
“I don’t know. I was in this store... this little antique place”
“What were you doing in an antique store?
“I dunno... Whatever look um if you don’t like it just don’t tell me...”
She still had the picture frame that he gave her. It sat on her bedside dresser table. In it there was a picture of the smiling together.
”You just threw your beeper into the pacific”
“I know....”
“....When you’re at your absolute lowest just remember... you got my number”
He always knew what to say that would make her feel better. No matter if she was sad, or angry, or depressed, or scared he would always be there and he would always make everything alright.
”I need you to tell me”
“Tell you what? That when you’re on operations I can’t sleep at night? That when we’re in debrief I have to force myself to remember what the hell we’re supposed to be reviewing when all I want to do is kiss you....”
She remembered the first kiss they had in the middle of the wreckage at SD-6. They had waited so long but that moment was so perfect.
”You’re so beautiful”
She remembered the first night of passion they had shared and so many of those night’s after it.
”You want to know how I am? I’m horrible Vaughn, I am ripped apart but not because I lose you but because if it had been me I would have waited....”
“....I loved you so much that it almost killed me”
“In my life there’s only one person...”
“Don’t do this...”
“Sydney...”
“I know Vaughn, I know. We’ll find each other... we always find each other”
Sydney was now sobbing violently as nurses walked around her setting up the room for the birth of her baby. They asked if she was alright. She couldn’t respond. Her heart had been broken so many times but she still kept going. She didn’t know how or why except the only explanation she could find was his love for her. It kept her going. Even when he was married to someone else she still knew that he loved her.
That was perhaps the hardest part. Not being able to be with the one you loved even though they were standing right in front of you.
But eventually things turned for the better....
”Vaughn what are you doing here?”
“I came for you...”
After Lauren’s death they had some trouble at first. They tried to do their relationship right. And in the end it was worth it. Sadly they only had five wonderful months together before it happened. But she wouldn’t trade those five months for anything in the world. Neither would she trade having his child.
She had made the decision on her own to have the baby without him. She wouldn’t have it any other way. People thought it would be too sad for her to have Vaughn’s baby with him gone. They told her it would be a constant reminder of what she had lost.
But she saw it differently. She saw it as a constant reminder that he would always be with her. A tiny piece of him could never leave her as long as she had their child with her.
“Sydney?” The doctor asked.
“Yeah?” She said hoarsely.
“On the next contraction I want you to push ok?”
“OK...”
Again her mind drifted off to when she first found out that he would never be coming back.
*FLASHBACK*
“Sydney?” Her father said softly as he came up to her.
“Dad!” She jumped. “Is there any news? Did they find him?”
Vaughn had been missing for three days. His routine surveillance op had gone bad and they were compromised. He and the rest of his team, including Weiss, had been captured.
Her father led her through the CIA rotunda and into Dixon’s office.
“WEISS!” Sydney gasped as she ran over and hugged her friend who was looking slightly bruised but otherwise ok. The expression on his face was grave. She looked around the room. Dixon, Marshall, and Nadia were there as well; they looked equally sad.
“Wha- Where’s Vaughn?” She demanded.
“Syd-“ Eric began.
“NO!” She screamed. “TELL ME WHERE HE IS!”
“Sydney” Dixon began.
“NO! TELL ME DAMNIT!” She said as she began to cry.
“Sydney!” Jack shouted. “Vaughn’s not coming home.”
The emotional reaction she had broke everyone’s heart. She screamed and cried and fell to the floor. She wouldn’t let anyone touch her. She just sat in the middle of the room and rocked back and forth.
“What happened?” She finally asked.
“They captured us... tortured us.... they had Vaughn in a separate room.... we don’t know what happened. When the rescue team found us...” Eric sighed heavily. He didn’t want to tell her what happened next.
“Tell me Eric” Sydney said in a dangerous tone.
“All they found were his ashes... Dental records confirmed that it was him...” Eric said as a tear dripped down his face.
“I .... I need to go” Sydney said as she backed toward the door.
“Sydney wait!”
“NO!” She screamed as she bolted from the room. She ran the whole way out to her car and jumped in and drove home. She curled up in the bed she had shared with him and wept for hours.
*END FLASHBACK*
Tears were flowing down her face now at a steady rate and she knew there would be no stopping them. It wasn’t the pain that was causing her to cry. In fact she felt no pain at all even though she had had no drugs. She just cried. She cried for herself and her soon to be born child.
“Ok Sydney its time to push...” The doctor said. Sydney could hardly even pay attention. Her mind was swimming with memories. She screamed and cried and just.... remembered.
*FLASHBACK*
“Oh my God I’m pregnant...” Sydney said aloud as she saw the results on her home pregnancy test. “How.... what am I..... Vaughn....” were the only words she could muster as she broke down in tears again.
The next day she went to Dixon.
“Sydney how are you?” He asked.
“Um... not sure actually. I need to be removed from field duty.” She said.
“You mean temporarily? Of course that...”
“No permanently.” Sydney said. Dixon looked at her with a look of confusion. “I’m pregnant” She said quietly.
Dixon sighed heavily and came out from behind his desk to put an arm around her.
“If you need anything...” He began.
“I know... I just don’t know what exactly I’m going to do yet... please don’t tell anyone.”
“Of course not.”
That day she drove off to Santa Barbara. She just walked around the beach and stared at the beautiful ocean waves. Again she cried. She wanted to be with Vaughn. She wanted to have his baby. She wanted to marry him. She wanted them to raise their child together. But she knew that could never happen.
She came home that night to what she thought was an empty house. She had been living with her sister but she suspected Nadia was out since all the lights were turned off. Then she heard a noise coming from Nadia’s bedroom. The door opened and Eric appeared wearing nothing but boxers. Sydney screamed.
“SYD!” Eric gasped as he quickly returned to the bedroom. He and Nadia returned a moment later, fully dressed, to find Sydney crying.
“Syd what’s wrong?” Nadia asked.
“I couldn’t have scared you that bad...” Eric sighed.
Sydney laughed. “No its not you. I mean I’m shocked and all but.... I’m pregnant”
Nadia and Eric looked at each other then back to Sydney. They had no idea what they could say to make anything better. They just gave her a hug.
“I’m sorry guys I didn’t mean to ruin your night I’ll just go...” Sydney sighed.
“No don’t go – you shouldn’t be alone.” Eric said.
“But I am alone.” She sighed.
“No you’re not.” Nadia told her. “You have me.”
“And me.” Eric said.
“Thanks...” She sighed.
“What are you going to do Syd?” Eric asked a few minutes later.
“What else can I do Eric? I’m going to have Vaughn’s baby....” She said. “Oh no Dad’s going to kill me.”
“Actually your Dad would kill Mike but...” Eric said.
“He’s already dead.” Sydney sobbed.
“No Syd I didn’t mean that...”
“No I know you didn’t.” Sydney sighed. “I think maybe I should go tell him now you know? Get it over with.”
“Syd before you go what are you going to do about work?” Nadia asked.
“I quit this morning.” She sighed as she walked out the door and drove to her father’s.
“Hi Daddy.” She said when he opened the door.
“Sydney? Have you been crying?” Jack asked.
“Uh yeah I just need to tell you something.” Sydney said. Jack invited her inside and she sat in his minimally decorated home. “Well you know there is no easy way to say this so I’m just going to tell you – I’m pregnant with Vaughn’s baby.”
She looked up at him waiting for a reaction but he just stared at her expressionless like usual.
v“And I’m going to have the baby so... I just wanted to tell you.” She said sadly.
“Did – Did Vaughn know?” Jack asked quietly.
“No, I just found out yesterday.”
“Oh...” Jack said. Then he walked over and gave her a hug. “If you need anything...”
“Thanks Daddy.”
*END FLASHBACK*
“Ok Sydney come on just one more push.” The doctor said.
Sydney was still crying; she could hardly breathe. Then she heard a baby crying. She gasped and sobbed even harder.
“Congratulations it’s a girl.” The doctor smiled as he held up a screaming infant who was very pink.
“Oh my God...” She cried. The doctor handed the baby to the nurse so she could be cleaned properly. “What, what day is it? When was she born?” Sydney asked.
The doctor looked at his watch. It had just flipped to 12:01 am. He looked at this new mother of a baby who he knew had no father. She looked so broken and sad.
“11:59 on October first.” He told her. She smiled slightly and relaxed back onto her bed. The nurse brought over her baby and placed it in her arms.
The baby whimpered and cried. “Hi baby” Sydney sobbed. She looked down at the infant in her arms. The innocent little child she had just brought into the world. A child who would never, ever know her father.
Chapter 3
~*~ 3 years later ~*~
“MICHELLE!” Sydney called as she chased after her daughter who was scampering around their house. “Michelle Jacqueline Vaughn get back here!”
She was giggling wildly as she dove behind furniture.
“Where’d you go?” Sydney asked playfully. She saw her daughter’s sparkling green eyes appear from behind the sofa. Her eyes were just like her father’s. Everything else on her was identical to her mother; everything but her eyes. “I see you!”
Sydney ran over and grabbed her daughter around the waist and began to tickle her.
“MOMMY!” Michelle giggled.
“That’s what you get for making me chase you around the house.” Sydney laughed.
“Syd?” Nadia called.
“Come on in Nadia!” Sydney said. She saw her sister waddle in dragging her two year old son behind her and clutching her swollen belly (she was pregnant with twin girls).
“Hey sis what’s up?” Nadia asked.
“Nadia please sit down” Sydney sighed.
“No, no I’m fine. I’m perfectly capable.” Nadia groaned. “Michael sit down and behave!”
Sydney walked over and tousled the hair of her nephew. Nadia and Eric had asked her permission before naming him after the man who should have been his Uncle.
“So is Eric back yet?” Sydney asked her.
“No...” Nadia sighed. “He really needs to stop going on missions. I swear that man....” She rolled her eyes.
“I thought he promised he would stop?” Sydney asked.
“Yeah but he keeps saying ‘this is the last one I swear’. It’s so irritating.” She sighed.
“Where’d he go this time?” Sydney asked.
“Syd you know we’re not allowed to know that. We don’t have clearance anymore.” Nadia said. After she had gotten pregnant she too had retired from the agency.
“Well yeah but...”
“Hong Kong.” Nadia said with a wink. Sydney laughed. “I can’t help it if Eric talks in his sleep.”
“Yeah I bet” Sydney smiled.
“So how are you holding up?” Nadia asked.
“What do you mean?” Sydney asked nervously.
“Well it’s been a week since Michelle’s birthday so...”
“Yeah I know – I’m fine really.” Nadia looked at her. “Really I swear! My god its almost been four years.”
“So? It doesn’t make it any easier.” Nadia sighed.
“I know.” Sydney said as she glanced over at her daughter who was playing with her cousin.
“Well we should be going.” Nadia sighed. “We don’t want to be late.”
“Late? How? You live next door.” Sydney laughed.
“Yes but someone has an appointment with the D-O-C-T-O-R” She spelled.
“NO!” Michael whined.
“Smart kid” Sydney laughed.
“Come on Michael” Nadia groaned. “See you later Syd.”
“Bye Nadia”
~*~
Later that evening Sydney was getting ready for work. Her job was teaching a night class three times a week at the local college. She hadn’t wanted to work because she wanted to spend as much time as she could with her daughter and thankfully between her CIA salary, Vaughn’s savings and her father’s help she hadn’t had to until recently. But then she decided that her father had helped her enough and she didn’t want to depend on anyone else anymore. Still she wanted to be able to be involved in Michelle’s life as much as she could. It’s bad enough she’ll only ever have one parent, she always said. I don’t want to take that away from her too.
That’s when Sydney took the job as the professor in the evenings. Nadia had agreed to watch Michelle those evening so that Sydney wouldn’t have to get a baby sitter. And sometimes when Nadia was busy or Sydney just wanted to give her a break her father or Dixon were glad to offer their services.
Since Vaughn’s death, Sydney had become almost like everyone’s extended family. Dixon always treated her like a sister and he treated Michelle like one of his own children. Marshall did as well. Eric and Nadia of course were family as was Jack, but Sydney couldn’t help but feel guilty from all the attention they gave her. Not that she didn’t appreciate it, because she did. But she just felt like the only reason they did that was because of Vaughn’s death. Like somehow she was broken because of it and they were all constantly trying to put her pieces back together.
Sydney wasn’t afraid to admit that a part of her did die with Vaughn but she was certainly far from broken. She had moved on with life. She had no choice other than to move on. Michelle helped her greatly with that. Sydney knew that she had to make a life for herself and her daughter. Every time she looked into her sweet green eyes Sydney knew that she had made the right choice. She couldn’t imagine it any other way. She needed Michelle; she needed that little part of Vaughn with her every day.
Sydney didn’t think of Vaughn as often as she had in the past. Sometimes that made her feel guilty, like maybe she was loving him less. She couldn’t imagine loving him any less though. She thought about him when she saw Michelle laugh or smile. She thought about him when she passed his pictures that were sitting around various places in her house. She almost never let herself cry over him though. She only allowed herself to cry two times. First on the anniversary of his funeral and second on October first. She never let anyone, not even Michelle, see her break down on those days though. She waited until late at night when her daughter was asleep. Then Sydney would crawl into bed, hug her pillow tightly and sob for hours until she fell asleep.
She couldn’t help doing it; it was just something she needed to do. Still she couldn’t see herself moving on in the near future. The thought of dating was incomprehensible to her. She knew that if she ever tried to get close to another man it would only remind her of how wonderful Vaughn was and how much he missed her. Nadia and Eric occasionally encouraged her to go out with someone but she always refused saying it was much too soon for her. In a way it was too soon, but in another way she was scared to get close to someone again for fear they too would be snatched from her in an instant.
“Mommy are you ready?” Michelle asked.
“Yes sweetie I am. Get your coat and I’ll take you next door” Sydney smiled.
“Okay” Michelle grinned.
Chapter 4
The next week passed just like all the others. Sydney woke up, showered and then got breakfast for her daughter. Then they would play or read or watch TV until lunch wile Sydney did some housework. After lunch Nadia would come over with Michael and they would either go to the park or to the mall or just stay home. Then in the evenings on Monday’s, Wednesday’s, and Thursday’s Sydney would go to work leaving her daughter behind.
Sydney’s life followed a steady pattern and she loved that because after years of living the life as a spy, a life full of uncertainty and changes on the spur of the moment, it was nice to finally have a steady pace in life. Her routine was something she could count on; something that was comforting to her.
One day Sydney saw her daughter staring at one of the many pictures of herself and Vaughn that were around her house. And just like the many other times Michelle smiled up at her and said, “Mommy?”
“Yes Michelle?”
“Tell me a story about him.”
“Okay,” Sydney said as she sat down on the sofa with her daughter. Sydney didn’t mind telling Michelle about Vaughn. It actually didn’t make her as sad as she thought it would. It made her happy and proud that her daughter wanted to know about her father. Sydney would always start her stories the same way.
“I loved your father very much. I loved him more than all the stars in the whole sky.”
“More than you love me?” Michelle asked.
“No I love you more than all the stars in the entire galaxy” Sydney giggled as she hugged her daughter and pulled her into her lap. “How about I tell you the story of how I first met your father?” Sydney asked. Michelle nodded. Sydney had come up with the story she was about to tell in her mind soon after Michelle was born. She didn’t want Michelle knowing the details of her life as a spy. It was too confusing, too complex and too scary for a child to deal with. She knew that someday she would have to tell her, but not when she was 3 years old.
“Well your father and I met when we began working together. You see I had to take this new job and your father was the one who was helping me learn how to do it. Do you know what day we met?” Sydney asked. Michelle shook her head. “Well we met on October first.”
“That’s my birthday!” Michelle shouted.
“Yes it is. That is why that day is extra special” Sydney grinned.
“Mommy?” Michelle asked sweetly
“Hmm?”
“Can we get a kitty?”
“You want a kitty?” Sydney asked. Michelle smiled and nodded. “Well maybe we’ll have to see.”
“Okay!” Michelle said as she slid off her mother’s lap and went to play with her toys some more.
Later that evening after dinner the doorbell rang.
“Dad hi!” Sydney smiled when she opened the door.
“Hi Grandpa!” Michelle smiled.
“Hello angel” Jack smiled back. “I need to speak with your mother for a moment” Jack said as he led Sydney into the kitchen.
“What’s up?”
“I need you to come in.”
“Come in where?”
“Come IN” Jack said.
“Dad...”
“Sydney its very important – you know I wouldn’t ask unless it was.”
“But I can’t go anywhere... Michelle”
“Nadia agreed to watch her. Sydney you must come with me” Jack said firmly.
Sydney looked at her father. There was something in his eyes that told her she needed to go with him. “Alright...” She said.
After taking Michelle next door Jack drove his daughter to the CIA rotunda. As she walked through the halls she couldn’t help notice people staring at her. She knew most of the agents knew who she was and what she had done for their country but there was something different about their looks; something almost sympathetic.
“Hi Dixon” Sydney smiled when she saw him and Eric talking quietly.
“Sydney hello.” Dixon smiled softly.
“Hey Eric did you have a nice trip?”
“Uh yeah...” Eric said.
“Sydney there is something you need to see.” Jack said.
“Ok...” She said unsurely. He father took her into a room that was on the other side of a two way mirror. She looked through the glass and into the other room and couldn’t believe what she was seeing.
Chapter 5
“Oh... my... god...” She sighed. She turned around and looked from her father and then to Eric and then to Dixon. Already she could feel tears forming in her eyes. She turned around and stared back into the room.
In it sat a man alone at a table. There was a guard watching the door. The man was hanging his head down to his chest and wringing his hands nervously. He was wearing a black pinstripe business suit with a red tie that was loosened at the collar. Suddenly he looked up and stared directly at her. She jumped.
She knew that he couldn’t see her but still she jumped. He heart was beating at a rapid pace and she was sobbing. She put her hand up to the glass and croaked. “Vaughn...”
“Yes Sydney it’s him.” Her father said sadly. She spun around. She had a million questions but she couldn’t verbalize any of them. He was dead.... how could be sitting right in front of her?
“Is it really him? I mean are you sure he’s not a double or a fake or.... or...”
“No Syd it’s really him” Eric said.
“How...?” Sydney asked.
“Sydney as the director I must say that you do not have clearance for any of this information- not anymore.” Dixon said. Sydney looked confused and heart broken. “However as your friend I’m going to leave and I will not find out anything about what your father and Agent Weiss tell you. I’ll be outside waiting.”
Dixon left and Sydney collapsed into a chair that was in the room. Eric kneeled down in front of her and began to explain.
“Sydney we don’t know how – but who knows how anything really happens in this life – but the remains we found and the dental records.... they weren’t him – they were fake.”
“Just like with me...” Sydney sighed recalling her own forged death.
“Right. Well a week ago we went on this op and the men we were meeting with said they had something of value for us. When he walked in Syd I swear my heart stopped....”
“What’d he said?” Sydney asked.
“Syd that’s the thing.... Syd he doesn’t remember” Eric sighed heavily.
“What?” She gasped.
“He doesn’t remember any of it. He doesn’t remember the CIA... or his childhood or his father or... you.”
“But...”
“He was evaluated by Medical services and as far as they can tell he was brainwashed into forgetting everything. All he knows is that his name is Michael and he was an investment banker until a few weeks ago.” Jack told her.
“Well that sounds strangely familiar...” Sydney sighed.
“Well at any rate he doesn’t remember and the doctors don’t know if or when his memory will return so.... that’s why we brought you in.” Eric said.
“Why?”
“Well its up to you.”
“Up to me for what?” She asked.
“Tell us what you want done. We can tell him – try to convince him. We can tell him nothing. You can just walk away...” Eric said.
“You know I can’t do that.” She said.
“Yeah I know.”
“Uh... well could I talk with him?” She asked.
“Sydney are you sure?” Jack asked.
“Yeah I’m sure... just give me a moment first.” She sighed. She walked to the bathroom and wiped off her face. She tried to get her eyes to look not so red and puffy but it was no use.
“Ok” She sighed when she returned. She took a few deep breaths and then walked into the room where he was.
He looked at her when he walked in. “Hi” he sighed.
“Hello” She said shakily.
“Who are you?” he asked her.
“My name is... Sydney Bristow... I used to be an Agent here...” She sighed.
“Used to?”
“I quit when I had my daughter” She told him.
“Ohh” he sighed. “Well they tell me my name is Michael Vaughn but I don’t really remember.... did we work together you and I?”
Sydney nodded her head.
“Really?”
“Yeah... you were uh, my handler when I started here.” She said.
“Oh I’m really sorry I don’t remember” He smiled.
His smile. She hadn’t seen it in three years and nine months and there it was. His smile that made her go weak at the knees. She knew she couldn’t take much more of this.
“Excuse me a moment,” She mumbled as she rushed out the door. She broke down crying as her legs gave way under her. Eric caught her and carried her to a chair.
“I’m sorry... I’m sorry I just... I can’t” She sobbed.
“It’s ok Syd we didn’t tell you that you had to.” Eric told her.
“It’s just I... I need a minute....” She said as she tried to take deep breaths.
“Ok Syd take your time” Eric sighed. Then he stepped into the room with Michael, which was difficult for him and he had known about it for a week.
“That woman...” Michael began. “Sydney... is she alright?”
“Yeah she’s ok” Eric said.
“I hope I didn’t do anything to offend her”
“No you didn’t she’s just... shocked.” Eric said.
“Right.... so I was her handler?”
“Yeah and her partner.” Eric said. “And her friend.”
“Oh” Michael sighed.
“Uh excuse me again...” Eric said as he slipped out the door. Sydney was now sipping water that her father had handed her.
“Is everything alright?” Dixon asked as he popped his head in.
“Uh yeah...” Eric said. They all looked at Sydney.
“Is this really up to me?” Sydney croaked.
“Yes – you knew him best... you’re his fiancé” Dixon said.
Fiancé. That word made Sydney’s heart skip a few beats. She looked down at her had at the ring she hadn’t bothered to remove in four years.
“Ok...” She said sadly. “I don’t want him to know. Tell everyone that he’s not supposed to know. As far as he’s concerned we were nothing more than agent and handler.”
“What about Michelle?” Jack asked.
“Um.... she won’t know him if she sees him and I’ll remove all the pictures of us from my house.”
“No what if he asks about Michelle” Eric asked her.
“Oh... tell him.... tell him” Sydney began. “Tell him that her father was an agent who was killed in action.”
Jack, Dixon and Eric sighed heavily.
“Are you sure?” Dixon asked.
“Yes”
“What about you Syd?”
“What about me?”
“Well are you just never going to see him again?” Eric asked.
“I don’t know.” She sighed.
“Syd you can’t....” Eric began.
“What Eric? You think I’m strong – well guess what I’m not. That minute I spent in there nearly killed me. I can’t be with him without being with him. I just can’t do it. I cannot be his friend. I cannot be with him and not ....” She stopped herself considering that her father was standing right next to her. “I just can’t. I can’t be around him without loving him”
“No one said you couldn’t love him” Jack said.
“It’s just... too hard... I’m sorry.” She said as she left. She ran out the door and down the hallway until she stopped dead center of the rotunda. She screamed and collapsed crying onto the ground. Everyone around her stopped and stared.
Chapter 6
It was almost 9 pm by the time Eric drove her home. Instead of going to her house she went into his to pick up her daughter.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” Nadia asked when she saw her sister crying.
“I’ll tell her... just go.” Eric said. Sydney nodded and picked up her sleeping daughter from the couch. She carried her home and put her into her bed. Sydney untied Michelle’s shoes and slipped off her socks. Then she put her daughter in a nightgown and tucked her safely under the covers. Then Sydney just stared down at her sleeping.
How could she tell her that her father was back but he wouldn’t know her? She couldn’t do that. That was why it was better to keep him out of their lives as painful as that would be.
Sydney went downstairs and stood in her family room. She looked at all the pictures around her house. She went to a closet and got an empty cardboard box. She returned and collected all the pictures that included Vaughn and threw them back in her closet.
Then she went to her bedroom. She opened up her closet in there and dug through all her shoeboxes until she found a larger cardboard box that was taped up very tightly. She got scissors and cut it open. This box contained all of Michael’s clothes that she had kept.
*FLASHBACK*
Sydney used a key and let herself into Vaughn’s apartment. It was dark and dusty. He was hardly ever there since he spent most of the time at her house. She walked through and looked in his kitchen. Then she made her way to the family room. She wanted to touch everything; bathe in whatever of him was left there.
She walked to his bathroom and looked through his aftershave and his hair gel. Then she went to his bedroom and to his closet. She found one of his ties already tied hanging on his closet door. She slipped it over her head. She also put on one of his button up dress shirts. Then she collapsed on his bed and began to cry.
“Syd?” Eric whispered a minute later.
“Sorry Eric...” She said as she sat up and wiped tears from her eyes.
“You don’t ever have to apologize” Eric told her. “I just brought you this box... if you want anything...”
“Thanks Eric.... I just need a minute.”
“Sure I’ll be out here.” He said.
Sydney took a deep breath and removed Michael’s tie and shirt. She picked up Eric’s box and set it on the bed. She walked over to Michael’s dresser and picked up two pictures of them. She sobbed as she put them in the box. Then she walked to his bathroom and picked up his after shave and put it in the box as well. She went to his drawer and picked up his father’s watch and put that in the box with the other items. Then she stood in his room and placed her hand on her stomach.
“I’m sorry baby.” She whispered. “I’m so sorry that you’ll never get a chance to know your father. He was a wonderful man. The best man I knew. You would have loved him. I loved him more than I could ever say. I’ll love him forever and miss him for always.” She sobbed as she picked up her box and walked out to find Eric in the kitchen.
“Is that all?” Eric asked as he looked at the contents of the box.
“Yeah....” She said sadly. Part of her didn’t want to get rid of it. She wanted to keep it forever because if it was still around then maybe so was he. But she knew that the healthy thing was to get rid of it. If it wasn’t there then I couldn’t remind her. “Get rid of everything else...”
*END FLASHBACK*
She lifted the top of the box. She sighed heavily. She lifted out Vaughn’s favorite sweatshirt and the boxers and t-shirt of his that she had slept in. But after his death she couldn’t bear to look at any of it. She saw his father’s watch lying there in the bottom of the box. She placed it on her bedside stand.
Then she took off her clothes and put on his t-shirt and boxers and crawled into bed.
“I’m sorry Vaughn” She sighed as she let her self cry well into the night until she drifted off to sleep from exhaustion.
Chapter 7
The next few days passed fairly uneventfully. Sydney made it clear to Eric and Nadia that she did not want to discuss Vaughn’s return. She knew that eventually she would have to deal with it but for now... she just couldn’t.
She did, however, for the first time realize what it must have been like for him to have her return from the dead. She couldn’t even begin to describe the pain, anguish, and confusion it caused her.
One day, five days after Vaughn’s return, Sydney was sitting in her house reading when she heard something bang into the siding. She rolled her eyes. She was very familiar with that sound – it was Eric’s basketball hitting her house. She ignored it. Then it happened again and again. On the fourth time she got up and stormed out of her house.
“ERIC WEISS I’M GOING TO KILL YOU” Sydney yelled as she came around the corner. She stopped and just stared. Eric was playing basketball in his driveway with his son and Vaughn.
“Uh Syd!” Eric shouted.
“Oops sorry I think that was my fault” Vaughn cringed.
“It’s ok...” Sydney mumbled as she looked at the ground.
“It’s nice to see you again Miss Bristow.”
“Uh Syd’s ok.” She said.
“OK Syd. Eric didn’t tell me he lived next to you.”
“Yeah I also didn’t tell you she’s my sister-in-law...” Eric said as he picked up his son.
“Really?” Vaughn asked.
“Yeah.... Nadia is my sister” Sydney said.
“Interesting.” Vaughn smiled.
“No its crazy – one big crazy spying family.” Eric sighed.
“SYD!” Nadia gasped as she came out of her house.
“Hey Nadia...” Sydney sighed. They all just stood there in silence for a few moments. Vaughn sensed the awkwardness and suspected it was because of him but he didn’t know why. All that he knew was there was something about Sydney Bristow he was attracted to.
“Well anyway I should get back...” Sydney said as she nervously shoved her hands in her pockets and walked back to her house.
“Um does she not like me?” Vaughn asked.
“No she does.” Nadia said.
“Oh ok... I just get the idea that I freak her out.” Vaughn sighed. Eric shrugged.
“So would it be ok if I asked her out sometime?”
“NO!” Eric and Nadia shouted.
“Whoa ok... I’m new here remember”
“Sorry Mike it’s just.... well she’s lost a lot.” Eric sighed.
“Oh whoa I’m so dumb – she’s married isn’t she? I mean she has a kid.”
“She’s not married.” Nadia said.
“Oh no... what happened?”
“Well... her fiancé was an agent... he was killed in action.” Eric sighed.
“Oh that’s terrible.” Vaughn sighed.
“Yeah well she still isn’t exactly over it.” Nadia sighed.
“Oh ok I get it.” Michael smiled.
Vaughn and Eric continued to play until a few minutes later when Vaughn noticed a brown haired little girl with green eyes staring at him.
“Hello who is this?” Michael asked as he kneeled on the ground in front of her.
“OH! Michelle what are you doing?” Eric asked.
“Michelle?”
Eric nodded. “Sydney’s daughter. She likes to escape.”
“Oh I see. I’ll take her back.” Vaughn said as he grabbed the tiny girl’s hand and walked her to her front door. Eric hesitated to let him but in the end he just stood back and hoped there wasn’t yelling.
When Sydney opened the door Vaughn smiled and said. “Missing something?”
“MICHELLE!” Sydney gasped as she picked up her daughter. “I thought you were upstairs...”
“Are you ok?” Vaughn asked as he noticed that Sydney was crying.
“What? Uh yeah I’m fine... thanks for bringing her back.” She said distantly.
“No problem.” Vaughn smiled then he went to walk away.
“Vaughn.” She blurted out.
“Yes?” He turned around looking surprised.
“Oh sorry that’s what I call you... or called you...”
“It’s ok.” He smiled.
“Would you mind... I mean you can totally say no if its going to be completely weird but I mean would you mind if I gave you a hug?” She asked.
“No it’s ok.” He smiled. She stepped out her front door and wrapped her arms gently around his shoulders. She sighed heavily still felling in disbelief that she actually had her arms around him. His hands came to rest on the small of her back. She wanted stay that way for forever but she knew if she stayed another second she would break down all together and the last thing she wanted to do was to frighten him to death.
Eric watched them from his driveway. His breath caught in his chest when he saw them hug.
She pulled back quickly and wiped a tear from the corner of her eye.
“Thanks,” She mumbled.
“Anytime.” He smiled and then he left.
Sydney went inside her house and shut her front door. She leaned heavily against it and then slid down and collapsed onto the floor as she cried.
“Mommy?” Michelle asked.
“Yeah?” Sydney sobbed.
“Who was that?”
“Just someone... come here give me a hug.” Sydney sighed. Michelle leapt into her arms. Sydney rocked her back and forth as she cried.
Chapter 8
A few days later Sydney took Michelle over to Nadia’s so she and Michael could play.
“How are you holding up?” Nadia asked.
“Uh you know.... not at all.” Sydney sighed.
“You hugged him.” Nadia said. Sydney looked at her in surprise. “Eric saw.”
“Oh yeah...”
“How’d that go?”
“It was terrible... wonderful but terrible. When I saw him standing there behind Michelle... behind his daughter.... I thought I was going to die. I mean I actually thought my heart would just stop beating. I knew that if I didn’t touch him I would pass out. I mean hugging him hurt like you wouldn’t believe but... I had to. I just had to feel him in my arms again to make sure it was real...”
“Syd why are you doing this?” Nadia asked.
“Doing what?”
“Pushing him away. Syd just tell him...”
“NO!” Sydney screamed. “Nadia I can’t”
“Why not?”
“What would I say? By the way I’m your fiancée and this is your daughter?”
“Yes”
“He’d freak.”
“No Sydney he’d be with you.”
“For the wrong reasons – because he felt like he had to”
“Sydney....” Nadia said.
“NO! He can’t its not fair.” Sydney sighed.
“He can’t or you can’t?” Nadia asked.
“I can’t...” Sydney sighed. “I can’t not be with him Nadia. There is something in me that just craves him. If he’s not around at all then it’s ok but if he’s standing right there.... I just can’t. I learned that. When he was with ... her... I couldn’t deal; I can’t go through that again.”
“But what if you being together brings back his memory? I mean that’s a possibility....” Nadia sighed.
“Yeah but... I just can’t” Sydney sighed.
Chapter 9
For the next month and a half Sydney successfully avoided Vaughn. She didn’t see him once. Every time she suspected that he might be visiting next door she refused to even go near a window or a door. She did however think about him every second of every day.
She had completely confused herself with all her emotions to the point where she had just shut down entirely and compartmentalized them all like she was taught to when she was in the CIA. Her heart ached for Vaughn just like it always had only now it was worse because she was the one keeping herself from him. But she couldn’t bring herself to believe he was there. Even if he knew the truth about them, about Michelle, she thought that maybe he would choose not to be with them and to live another life with someone else. That would kill her even more than not knowing at all. She tried desperately to forget him and pretend that he was still dead. The truth was Vaughn was dead still. Even though the physical person existed that person had no memory of being Vaughn and therefore Vaughn was still gone and there was little hope of him ever returning.
~*~
At Thanksgiving she was to go over to Eric and Nadia’s. When she arrived she found Nadia busy in the kitchen.
“Nadia I need to help you” Sydney said.
“No I’m good.”
“Nadia you’re six months pregnant” Sydney laughed. Nadia just shrugged.
“Is anyone here?” Jack called from the doorway.
“In here Dad” Nadia called.
“Hey Dad” Sydney smiled.
“Hello girls. Is Michael here yet?” Jack asked. Nadia glared at him. Sydney gasped.
“By Michael he damn well better mean your son.” Sydney said to Nadia.
“Uh...” Nadia began. “It was Eric’s idea.”
“ERIC!” Sydney screamed.
“What?!” He asked indignantly.
“YOU INVITED VAUGHN?!”
“Uh...”
“How could you... I have to leave...” Sydney said as she headed for the door.
“Wait, wait, wait” Eric said as he caught her arm. “Look I had to invite him because remember he has no memory and therefore no friends. Syd you are going to have to deal with this.”
“I can’t...”
“You can. Please try.”
“How are you dealing with it Eric?” Sydney screamed.
“What are you talking about?” Eric asked.
“I mean what are you doing? Just acting like nothing ever change.”
“No Syd I’m being his friend which is something you should be doing.” Eric said.
“I can’t do that.” She sighed.
“Why the hell not?” Eric shouted. “Syd by doing this you are only punishing yourself and him. Is that what you want to do? Punish him for coming back?”
“No...” She sighed.
“Then stay for dinner – that’s all I ask.”
“Ok...” Sydney said.
“Hi” Vaughn said as he walked in.
“Hey” Nadia smiled. “Go on and make yourself comfortable. Dinner will be ready soon”
“Thanks. Oh hi Mr. Bristow” Michael smiled as he extended his hand.
“It’s Jack” Jack said as he shook his hand.
Vaughn then went in and found Sydney sitting on the floor with her daughter.
“Hi” He said.
“Hi” She mumbled without looking up.
Michelle got up and walked over to him. “Hi” She smiled.
“Hey Michelle” Michael said as he bent down.
“Come play.” She smiled.
“Okay.” He said. He sat down on the floor next to here where she was playing with Lego’s. Sydney sat back and watched them play. It broke her heart because Vaughn was getting along so well with his daughter. She always knew he would make a spectacular father.
“She’s great” Michael said a little later when he sat up on the couch next to Sydney.
“Thanks...” Sydney said.
“She’s beautiful; she looks just like you.”
“Yeah but she has her father’s eyes.” Sydney smiled.
The rest of the family watched them closely knowing that this little arrangement had disaster potential written all over it.
“Uh ok guys dinner!” Nadia said.
After she had had a glass of wine Sydney was feeling much more sociable. By dessert (and three glasses of wine later) she hardly even remembered that Vaughn hadn’t been around for 4 years.
“... yeah and then Lauren freaked out...” Eric laughed.
“Who’s Lauren?” Vaughn asked.
Everyone looked around the table in silence. No one knew what to say or how to say it.
“She was your wife” Sydney said finally. Everyone avoided eye contact with Sydney and Vaughn.
“Wife? I’m married?”
“No” Eric told him.
“I’m divorced?”
“Uh more like widowed.” Eric said.
“She died?”
“Not exactly.”
“You know you could just tell me and that would be easier...” Vaughn groaned.
“She was murdered by you.” Sydney said harshly.
“WHAT?” Michael gasped.
“Vaughn we’re spies... it’s what we do.” Sydney said.
“I’m sorry do you have a problem with me?” Vaughn asked.
“Me?” Sydney asked.
“Yes you. You’ve been cold to me ever since... well I got here.”
“Whatever.” She sighed.
“OK hold it.” Jack said. “Let us explain... your ex – Lauren. She was a spy a bad one... she was a mole in the US government and she tried to kill Sydney but you killed her to protect Sydney. Lauren was a bad person. That’s all you need to know.”
Everyone was silent again.
“Excuse me.” Sydney said as she ran out of the house.
“Oh... but why would I marry her if...” Vaughn began.
“Don’t even go there – trust me you’re better off no knowing” Eric told him.
“What about Sydney?” Vaughn asked.
“What about her?”
“Well her attitude toward me it’s so... I mean did we...” Vaughn let his voice drift off.
“Again... I’m really just not the right person to explain that to you.” Eric said.
“Oh...”
“Unfortunately only she can do that – and it’s clear she’s not ready.”
~*~
Later Jack brought Michelle back to her house.
“Sorry about that I just....” Sydney sighed.
“It’s ok.” Jack said.
“I just don’t think I can do that again...”
Chapter 10
For the next three weeks Sydney stayed true to what she had told herself Thanksgiving night. She couldn’t handle being around Vaughn. She had tried but it just didn’t work. She couldn’t be around him without their past coming up as was evident by the Thanksgiving dinner conversation so it was easier for her to not be around him at all. Easier. She used that word but in no way was any of that easy on her or anyone else for that matter. She knew that her father, Eric and Nadia were constantly walking on eggshells around her and trying not to upset her by mentioning Vaughn in any way, shape or form. She felt guilty because of that but the longer she put away her feelings about their whole situation, the harder and harder it became to even think about dealing with them.
In late December, before Christmas Eric and Nadia decided to throw a holiday party. “You commin?” Nadia asked her sister.
“Will Vaughn be there?” Sydney asked. She hadn’t seen him since thanksgiving.
“Yes... are you still coming?”
“Yeah.” Sydney sighed.
That night they brought little Michael over to Sydney’s house so that their Grandpa Jack could watch them both.
“Thanks for doing this Dad.”
“Uh sure...” Jack said as he tried to get Michael to sit still.
Sydney shivered from the cold as she walked next door.
“Hey Syd” Eric smiled. There were already about 10 people in his house. She spotted Vaughn standing in the corner talking to Dixon. She decided it would be best if she avoided him at all costs. So instead she went to talk to her sister.
Vaughn saw Sydney arrive at the party. He couldn’t help but notice how beautiful she looked in her tight jeans and sparkling top. He couldn’t explain it but he was incredibly attracted to her. Not only physical attraction but he just had this feeling there was something there... something between them. He constantly wondered, especially because of her odd behavior around him, if they had been more than simply an agent and handler. He knew there was a sad story in her life and he wanted more than anything to find it out. He wanted to ask her out... spend time with her... kiss her...
He saw her laughing with her sister. When she laughed she glowed. Her smile was beautiful, everything about her was beautiful. More than anything he wished he could remember his past. He didn’t even care about anything else actually he just wanted to remember her. He wanted to know why she was so upset when she was around him. He would give anything to know that.
He decided to go talk to her and perhaps apologize for his behavior on Thanksgiving. Just as he was going over to her she walked over to the table where the food was.
“Hey look guys you’re standing under the mistletoe” Eric pointed out. Sydney gave him a look of death. Actually if looks could kill that look would have kill him in under a second. Nadia glared at him too. Luckily most of the party guests hadn’t heard or they would probably have been pelting him with things.
“Uh...” Vaughn stammered.
“I’m sorry...” Sydney mumbled as she ran out of the house. Vaughn followed her.
“Way to go idiot” Nadia rolled her eyes.
“Aw man... me and my big stupid mouth.” Eric groaned. But the truth was he had honestly forgotten about their current situation. All he saw were his two friends Sydney and Michael – two people who clearly needed each other more than anything.
~*~
“Sydney wait.” Vaughn said as he jogged after her. Outside it was freezing as a light dusting of snow was beginning to fall. Sydney continued to walk down the sidewalk away from her and the Weiss’s house.
“Sydney please.” Vaughn said.
“What!” She screamed as she turned around, tears streaming down her face.
“I’m sorry it’s just... you didn’t have to run away – you didn’t have to kiss me.”
“I know.... God I’m sorry... you just... must think I’m a crazy person.” She sobbed.
“No I don’t... I know you’ve been hurt. Eric told me about your fiancé....” Vaughn sighed. Sydney looked up at him.
“He did?”
“Well all he said was that he was killed in action...” Vaughn said as his voice drifted off.
“Yeah...”
“How long has it been?”
“Four years in January.” She sighed.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok...” She shivered.
“Here take this.” Vaughn said as he slipped off his jacket and put it around her shoulders.
“Thanks” She murmured.
“Maybe we should go back I don’t want you to freeze.” He smiled.
“Ok... wait I owe you a kiss don’t I?” She said. Don’t do it! her brain warned her.
“You don’t have to”
“It’s ok I just didn’t want to do it in font of everyone...” She said as she took a step closer to him. “Just don’t move....” She sighed as her face neared his. She could hardly breathe as her lips gently brushed his for only a moment or so. That was all her heart could take. Then she stepped back and walked back toward Eric and Nadia’s. Michael tagged along behind her feeling almost positive that that was not the first time their lips had touched.
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Chapters 11 - 20