Guardian Angel
Author: Janet (SkyGirl5)
Genre: S/V, AU
Summary: Now that her husband is gone, what will Sydney Bristow do? How will she move on?
Disclaimer: Sydney, Vaughn, etc are properties of JJ Abrams and ABC.
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Chapters 1-10 // Chapters 11 - 20 // Afterward 1 & 2
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Chapter 1
Slowly, I turn my key in the lock. I hear it click and I turn the door handle part of the way; I pause. I don’t know if I can handle this. I take a few deep, ragged breaths before I turn the handle the rest of the way and push open the door. My hand instinctively shoots to the light switch. I’m not afraid to admit it: I’m terrified of the dark, I always have been. Now even more so without him.
Stepping inside the house it’s an almost surreal experience for me. No, forget almost surreal, it is surreal. Outside the sky is filled with a deep, burning orange sunset. The air is cool, not too cool but cool enough so that you shiver with out a jacket. Inside, it’s frozen; ice. I want it to stay that way. I need everything to stay still. If it doesn’t change then maybe... maybe... I don’t even know anymore.
Slowly, I shut the door and collapse back against it, knowing that from this moment on, nothing can ever be the same again. I’d cry if I could, but honestly I can’t. I didn’t even cry at the funeral really. A few tears fell down my face as they lowered him into the ground but that was all. Come to think of it, I’ve only cried twice in the five days since it happened. God, I feel guilty for that. I mean, shouldn’t I cry more? I think I should have. But to cry you need emotions; right now, I’m numb.
I’ve never felt like this ever in my life. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to do any of this without him. How can I live my life without my husband, the man I’ve loved for the best, most amazing five years of my life? Five years, god that sounds so short. It’s not long enough; it wasn’t long enough.
People said to me at the funeral that I was lucky to know him as long as I did, and they’re right. Even now I know that those five years with him were worth more than a lifetime with someone else and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I would, however, trade my life just to hold him once more or just to have his sparkling green eyes look into mine as he smiles at me. God, I miss his smile.
Slowly and shakily I peel off my jacket and toss it on to the back of a kitchen chair. It falls to the ground; I don’t pick it up. I know he would yell at me for this. Lazy, he always called me. It’s just a jacket, pick it up, it will take three seconds. I can hear his voice in my head. He was always a neat freak; everything had a place and it had to be there at all times or chaos ensued. Sometimes that drove me absolutely crazy. But then again if it wasn’t for him, our house would have been a pig sty. Ok, well, not that bad, just messier. From now on I’ll try to keep it neat for him.
The phone just started ringing. I know its Eric or Nadia, checking on me. I love them but I think they’re coddling me too much. “Hello?” I answer hoarsely.
“Syd, it’s me.” It’s Nadia. “How are you?”
“Nadia, I saw you fifteen minutes ago. Things haven’t really changed much.” I sigh.
“Right, do you need anything?” She asked.
“Really, Nadia, I’m fine. I swear, I’m just going to go to bed.” I tell her. Ok, so I’m not fine. I’m never going to be ‘fine’ again but she doesn’t need to come over hear and hover over me like she and Eric have been doing for the past five days. I mean, she’s my sister and I love her but if I have to see her again in the next twelve hours I’m going to kill her.
“Okay Syd. But if you need anything...”
“I know.”
“Okay, bye Syd. I love you.”
“I love you too Nadia.” I say as I hang up the phone. I glance at the clock, its only quarter to eight but really, I just want to go to bed. I don’t think I can mentally process anymore today. Slowly, I turn towards the stairs, turn on the light and begin to climb them.
For the past five nights I’ve slept on the couch. I couldn’t bear to spend a night alone in our bed. I could barely even stand to be in the room long enough to find clothes to wear. But I know I can’t do that forever. Flicking on the light in our bedroom practically sends a knife through my heart. There his side is; empty just as it always will be. Everything is just like he left it. His glasses are sitting on the night stand.
He hated his glasses; positively loathed them. He only wore them between the bed and the bathroom so he could put on his contacts and then the bathroom to the bed when he took them out at night. One time last year he got an eye infection and he couldn’t wear his contacts for a week. Good lord, I never in my life heard such complaining. But now, those glasses have just become another symbol of the piece of me that’s gone forever.
Walking into the bathroom I find still more pieces of him. His toothbrush, razor, aftershave, and everything else. I can’t look at it, I just stare directly into the sink as I’m brushing my teeth and washing my face. I return to my bedroom, walk over to my chest of drawers and pull out my pj’s: his boxers and one of my tank tops. Putting them on is one of the most difficult things I’ve done.
Wearing his clothes used to be one of our things. He never minded that I wore his clothes; he only minded what I did with them after they done being worn. His perfectly pressed, flat, ironed dress shirts crumpled in a ball, smashed, and wrinkled on the floor. His boxer tossed haphazardly at the foot of the bed or on the bathroom floor. White t-shirts stained with make up on the collar. It was one of the main reasons we fought. Every time he did his own laundry (which wasn’t often since he was busy with work) but every time he did, he would complain about me wrinkling or ruining something. Lazy. That was his main insult to me in every aspect of our lives. “Why are you so god damn lazy!” he would shout. Then we would argue for a bit but in the end I would always smile and tell him that he loved my lazy ass. Then he would grumble in agreeance, kiss me, and we’d make up.
Suddenly I’m sitting on the edge of the bed remembering these things and I have a sudden urge to get out our box. It’s not exactly a boyfriend box per say. Boyfriend box implies a past boyfriend with whom you’ve broken up with. I never broke up with Michael, I married him. But I still have a box full of memories from our dating years.
I realize that in this moment I’m teetering on the very edge between staying sane and loosing it all together and that this box could very well push me over the edge into that deep abyss of depression. But I need it. As much as I know this box will break my heart it will also give me some comfort that I’m absolutely desperate for right now. Because more than anything Michael was my comfort through everything. He would smile at me and immediately everything would be ok. No matter how shitty I felt everything was fine when he smiled.
I’m sitting on the floor now and pulling out two flowery pink shoe boxes from directly underneath where my head would be at the bed. I smile slightly as I remember a conversation we had about these.
“What the hell is that?” he asks me.
“What?”
“Those boxes.” He says. “They’re so pink.” He grimaces.
I laugh. “They’re pretty.”
“They’re so... floral... it makes me want to gag.” He shudders.
“You’re pathetic.” I laugh.
“So what’s in them anyway?”
“I don’t know if I should tell you.” I smile.
“Syyyyd.” He whines.
“Well if you must know its stuff about us.”
“Us?”
“Yes. Just little mementos and stuff...” I smiled. He comes over and looks in the box, examining the items.
“You cannot keep this stuff in that box.”
“Why?” I ask in confusion.
“It needs to be manly. I cannot have stuff that makes you think of me in a girly pink box.” He said.
I laugh again. “Are you really that insecure in your manhood?”
“No.” He says firmly. “In fact I’ll prove it to you right now.” He grins suggestively.
“Slow down their partner. I know you can prove it to me, in fact, I’ll be asking for a demonstration later.” I wink. “But this is my box and it’s going to be pink whether you like it or not.”
“Fine.” He grunts. “Can I at least put a Mets sticker on one?”
Tracing the blue Mets sticker on the top forms a huge lump in my throat. Yeah, this was probably a bad idea, but I’m going to do it anyway.
Chapter 2
October 1, 2000 ~ Five years earlier
“Ugh.” I give an involuntary grunt as I flop down on the couch in my apartment.
“Bad date?” Nadia laughs. She’s been staying with me for the past two weeks while she’s in between boyfriends. Yeah, don’t even get me started on THAT one.
“The.worst.” I groan. “Seriously, I think it was the worst first date in the history of all first dates.”
“Yikes that is bad. So I guess Michael Vaughn is not the one then is he?” Nadia asks me.
“No,” I sigh. “Not for me at least.”
“Was he a jerk?”
“No, not exactly. I mean he was very nice and all it just wasn’t good.”
“You wanna elaborate on that sis or am I just going to have to question you to death?” She smiles.
I laugh. “Ok well it started out alright until I was getting into his car and a car drove by, splashed in a puddle and soaked him.”
“Ouch.” Nadia comments.
“Yeah... so then he’s all soaking wet and I felt so bad for him but we got to the restaurant and they had lost our reservation. So Michael tries to get us a table but there are none. So, we went to this other place which was frankly kinda questionable. The food was awful and our conversation was so forced..... I dunno, it just wasn’t there, you know?”
“Yeah, sounds like you had some bad date karma.” She says.
“Well that or... I’ll never be going on another blind date again.”
“Right.” She laughs. “Sorry sis I guess you’re just doomed to be alone forever.”
“I am not doomed. I’m only twenty six. I have plenty of time left.” I tell her.
“Sure just keep telling yourself that.” She winks.
“Why do I let you stay here again?” I groan.
“Because I’m your sister and you love me. Plus I’m pretty.” She bats her eyelashes at me. I roll my eyes.
“I’m gonna make you start paying rent.” I tell her.
“Noooooo.” She whines. “If you do then I’ll just have to go live with Eric.”
“Eric? Who’s Eric?” I ask.
“This guy I met today.” She smiled.
“Nadia Marie Bristow you are forbidden to move in with a guy you have known less than twenty four hours.” I scold.
“Thanks MOM.” Nadia groans. “But I’m going out with him tomorrow night.” She giggles.
“Great, but you’re not allowed to bring him back here.” I tell her.
“Why?”
“Because if I hear you two having sex I’ll have to throw up on you.” I tell her bluntly (and honestly).
“Fine.” She sighs. “I’ll just go to his place, don’t wait up.” She winks.
~*~
November, 2000
“Syyyyyyyd are you ready?!” I can hear her groaning from the other room.
“I’m commin, I’m commin. Quit your whining.” I sigh as I clasp my earrings on and give my hair one last check.
“Syd we cannot be late to Eric’s party!” She says.
“I know, I’m ready. Jeez chill.” I say. “Why do I even have to go anyway?”
“Because you haven’t had a date since that one that went down the crapper last month and you’re turning into a hermit.”
I laugh. “I am not a hermit. I’m picky.”
“Whatever, let’s go.” She says as she drags me out the door.
~
“Where the hell are we?” I ask as we pull up to a house that already has about fifteen cars outside plus a minivan visible in the open garage.
“This is Eric’s parent’s house.” She tells me.
I almost snort with laughter. “Eric lives with his parents?!”
“No, he lives with friends but their apartment is small and his parents are out of town and...”
“We’re back in high school.” I finish for her with a laugh. She rolls her eyes at me and we climb out of the car.
“There’s Eric.” Nadia points across the room and waves to a tall man with black hair and a round belly who’s holding a beer bottle.
“Oh no.” I gasp as I see who Eric is standing next to.
“What?” Nadia asks.
“That guy with Eric.”
“Yeah so?”
“That’s Michael aka my blind date Michael.” I explain.
“Ohhh that’s Eric’s friend Michael... I guess I didn’t put that connection together. Jeez Syd, he’s hot, why don’t you give it a second chance.”
I groan again as Nadia drags me over to Michael and Eric. “Eric this is my sister Sydney, Sydney this is Eric.” Nadia introduces us.
“Hi.” I say as I shake his hand.
“Hey, nice to meet you finally. This is my friend Michael.”
“We’ve met.” I say.
“You have?!” Eric asks.
“Yeah, a month or so ago. That blind date I told you about.” Michael says.
“Oh you mean the one that-”
“Yep that’s the one.” Michael cuts his friend off nervously. I wonder what exactly he said about our date. “Nice to see you again Sydney.”
“Yeah.” I sigh.
Twenty minutes of mingling later I’m bored out of my skull and getting damn sick of avoiding Michael’s glances. I mean seriously, why does he keep looking at me?!
“Damn it where the hell is the ice?” I hear Eric groan. Seriously, he sounds in distress. I’ve never heard anyone so upset over ice.
“Need some help?” I offer out of pity.
“Yeah I think the guy I sent for ice like died on the way.” Eric sighs. “There might be more in the basement...”
“Want me to go look?” I ask, desperate to get out of the stuffy living room.
“That would be great. There’s a door in the kitchen.” He tells me.
“Okay.” I smile as I set down my glass and walk towards the kitchen. When I open the basement door I find the light already on and I step down the stairs, shutting the door behind me.
“NO DON’T SHUT THE... door....” I hear someone sigh.
“What?!” I ask, my heart rate increasing and wondering who exactly is down there.
“I’ve been down here for fifteen minutes. The door locks when you shut it.” This person says. I turn around and try the handle. Locked. Damn it. I groan. “Yeah...”
“Why weren’t you waiting at the top of the steps?” I ask as I walk down further and see who exactly I’m talking to. It’s Michael. I groan inwardly.
“I was looking for another way out.” He tells me.
“And?”
“Found one but it’s blocked by lots of crap.” He laughs.
“Oh.” I sigh. “So I guess we’re stuck.”
“Yeah...”
“At least this explains where you disappeared to...” I say without realizing what I’ve just said.
He looks at me strangely. “You were watching me?” He raises an eyebrow.
I quickly avert my eyes. “No...”
“Uh huh.” He says. Then he walks over and sits down on a step; I sit beside him. “So... how’s life?” He asks.
I laugh. “Good, I guess. You?”
“Can’t complain.” He shrugs. “So that date we had...” he lets his voice trail off.
“Yeah...” I say not really knowing what else I say.
“Worst date you’ve ever had?” He suggests.
“Yes.” I laugh. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be; it wasn’t your fault. Not entirely anyway.” He smiles.
I laugh again. “Well it wasn’t entirely your fault either.” Ugh what’s happening? Why is he making me smile like this?
“Wonder what happened?” He muses.
“I dunno. Maybe it was bad date karma.” I suggest.
“Maybe... I guess it serves me right for going out on a blind date. No offense to you or anything.” He adds.
“None taken; I was thinking the same thing. I’m not the blind date kinda girl.” I sigh.
“Me neither. I’d like to actually know a person and have that whole awkward thing over with before going into a public place.” He says.
“Right.” I laugh. “So what do you do again? Sorry I think I must have forgotten.”
“It’s ok. I’m a French and Math teacher.” He tells me.
“Oh I remember now.” I say. “That’s an odd combination.”
“Yeah.” He laughs. “I’m originally a Math teacher but I grew up in France so I’m fluent and the French teacher went on sudden maternity leave and they were stuck so...” He shrugs.
“How does one go on ‘sudden’ maternity leave?” I ask curiously.
He laughs. “Well... it’s kinda funny if you wanna hear.” He says. I nod encouragingly. “Well this lady was one of those... well, there’s no way to say this delicately: she was fat, really fat.”
“Okay.” I laugh.
“Anyway so one day she was complaining about how she was having all these stomach cramps and stuff.”
“Oh no.” I interrupt.
“Oh yes. So she had no idea she was pregnant right? But in the middle of 7th period she like collapses from pain and one of the kids runs and gets the nurse and she delivered the baby in front of a class full of very scarred ninth graders.” Michael laughs.
“Oh god that’s awful.” I laugh.
“Yes, it was. Especially since we all heard the screaming but didn’t know what to do and the nurse was trying to get the students of her class to leave but they wouldn’t and... It was ugly.” He sighs. “My classroom is on the other side of the building so I missed all the fun but I have a friend who’s classroom was next door and they had no idea why there was screaming and when they heard the baby cry the looks on the student’s faces were priceless.”
“I bet.” I laugh. “Poor kids who got a first hand lesson in childbirth.”
“Oh god, parents were calling for days after that.” He sighs.
“So what happened to the lady and her baby?” I ask.
“Well that’s an ongoing saga really... she wasn’t married and she doesn’t know when she got pregnant or how.”
“Or how?! Maybe she needs to go back to health class.” I comment.
Michael laughs. “I hope not... but they said she delivered at thirty eight weeks and she was very adamant about the fact that thirty eight weeks prior she had been abducted by aliens.”
“Now you’re just making that up.” I say.
“I swear to god I’m not.” He said.
“And they let this woman teach children?!” I gasp in horror.
He laughs again. “Well... I don’t think they realized this when they hired her. It all just sort of came out after the baby.”
“I see... well... poor baby then.” I sigh.
“Yes, poor, little Arnold Gustav.” He sighs.
I snort with laughter. “Wait, his name is Arnold Gustav?!” I gasp. Michael laughs and nods. “Oh my god poor baby. That’s like abuse!”
“I know.” Michael sighs. “So what do you do?”
“Well I’m afraid my job is not even close to being as interesting as yours but, I work at a bank.” I tell him. “Processing loans and such.”
“Fun.” He says.
“Nope.” I laugh. “But it’s a job.”
“Yeah.... so I wonder how long it will take Eric to notice we’re missing.” He asks.
“Dunno.” I shrug. “But this is alright.” I smile.
“Yeah.” He smiles too. “So how old are you?”
“It’s not polite to ask her lady her age.” I smile proudly.
“Well, I’m sorry, strike that question from the record then.” He says.
“Twenty six.” I tell him.
“Twenty seven.” He responds. “Well, almost.”
“That’s right, this is your birthday party isn’t it?” I ask.
“Not really... it’s just a party that happens to be near my birthday.” He sighs. “But that’s ok. I’m not big into the birthday celebrating anyway.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Dunno.” He shrugs. “Never have been. OH GOD!” He shouts as he bolts to a standing position.
“What the hell was that?” I laugh.
“There’s some thing with lots of legs.” He shudders.
“You’re scared of a bug?” I laugh again. Ok, I admit, his reaction is completely adorable and hysterical.
“No it’s like some freakin Godzilla bug, look at it.” He points.
I scream and run up three stairs. “GOD that’s disgusting kill it.”
“No, I’m not killing it. It will get on my shoe!” He says.
“And...”
“I like clean things.” He says. I roll my eyes and crush the bug under my shoe.
“Happy now?”
“No, now your shoe is unclean.” He grimaces.
“Baby.” I mutter. Then I raise my bug squishing foot and wave it towards his face. “It’s gonna get you.”
“Stop.” He says as he takes a step away. I laugh but I lose my balance on the stairs and almost fall before he catches me. We collapse back onto the steps laughing slightly. “That’s what you get for doing that to me.” He laughs.
“Yeah.” I say quieter. I look up and notice that our faces are very close together. He’s looking down at me and I can see his brilliant green eyes sparkling. I smile softly and suddenly before I realize I kiss him quickly. He looks shocked. Oh god. “Sorry.” I say quickly as I slide away from him.
“Don’t be.” He says quietly. I look back at him and he’s smiling. I smile too. He leans in and kisses me again. This kiss is longer, sweeter and really good. Wow. Just wow. He pulls back and I giggle involuntarily. Oh boy, I’m in trouble. Get a hold of yourself Bristow.
“That was...” I sigh.
“Yeah.” He smiles. “So... what are you doing tomorrow night?”
“I dunno, what am I doing tomorrow night?” I smile.
“How about a second first date?” He offers. “I don’t think it’s supposed to rain.”
I laugh. “Sounds great.”
“Great.” He repeats.
Suddenly the door opens. “There you guys are, what are you do doing? Making out in the dark basement?” Eric asks.
“No the door locked you dumbass.” Michael groaned as he stood up and then reached out a hand for me. I take it and he pulls me too my feet as we begin to trudge up the stairs.
“Oh ... sorry.” Eric sighed. “Well, almost everyone left.”
“Great.” Michael groaned.
“Syd! There you are! Where the hell were you?” Nadia demands of me, as if I was interrupting her social calendar when really, she was probably just making out with Eric.
“Long story,” I say. “You ready to go?”
“Yeah.”
“Hey, I’ll see you tomorrow at 7?” Michael asks.
“Seven.” I nod with an immense smile.
Chapter 3
November, 2000
“I had a really great time tonight Michael.” I sigh once he walks me to the door of my apartment.
“Me too.” He smiles. “So much better than our first first date.”
“Yes.” I giggle. He leans in to kiss me and I sink deep into his arms. Seriously, this man is the best kisser I’ve ever come across. Just damn. “Goodnight.” I sigh with two more feather light kisses on his bottom lip.
“Night.” He sighs.
Walking into my apartment I know I must have the biggest, most ridiculous grin plastered across my face.
“This date was better, I take it?” Nadia smiles at me.
“Yeah... it was.” I sigh dreamily.
“Whoa Syd, calm yourself.” She laughs.
“I can’t help it.” I sigh again. “He’s wonderful.” I say as I float onto the couch.
“Oh you’re in trouble.” She laughs.
“I know.” I say. “But that’s ok.”
~*~
October 1st, 2005 ~ Present Day
I’m sitting here recalling the irony of ironies that he was buried five years to the day after we met. I hold in my hand a picture that Nadia took of Michael and I. It must have been on our third or fourth date. We were sitting on my couch watching a movie, Michael’s arm was around my shoulders and Nadia snapped the picture without us knowing. She was on her way out to go somewhere with Eric and Michael and I were whispering quietly together. In the picture we’re looking at each other and smiling.
I remember later that night we ended up making love for the first time, on that couch actually. Yeah, we were a little hasty. But now, this picture and that memory are fogging up my vision. Tears are pooling in my eyes and I know it’s only a matter of time before they begin to fall. So, I dig back in the box and continue to poor over memories never forgotten, just stored away to cherish later.
~*~
November 2000
“You know.” He says quietly as he strokes my hair. “We should probably get up if Nadia’s coming soon.
“Noo.” I sigh as I hug him tighter and pull the blanket up to our shoulders. “I don’t want you to go.”
“I don’t want to go either. I just think that we should move to your bed... I mean, Nadia wouldn’t like it if she found us naked on the couch.”
I laugh. “No, probably not. She might spray us with Lysol.”
“Oh no.” He laughs.
“Okay, moving to the bed.” I sigh, but I don’t move.
“Syd that means you have to move.” He laughs.
“You move.”
“I can’t; you’re lying on top of me.” He laughs.
“Ohhh right.” I sigh. I still haven’t moved. Suddenly he rolls to the side and dumps me onto the floor where I land and become tangled in the blanket. He’s laughing. “You meanie!” I retort.
“Well I got you up didn’t I?” he smiles. He’s so smug I just want to kill him. I pick his boxers up and throw them at his face.
“Get dressed Romeo.” I say.
“Aww.” He sighs. I smile as I get off the floor, wrap the blanket around me and walk to the kitchen where I begin to dig for something to eat. “You’re not getting dressed?”
“Nope.” I smile.
“Lazy.” He laughs. And so my nickname begins.
“Lazy?! I’m not lazy.” I defend.
“I think you are.” He says as he saunters over to me with a smile.
“I’m not.” I tell him.
“I think you might have to prove that to me.” He says.
I smile immediately. “Okay.”
~
“Sydney! Sydney are you hear?!” I hear my sister screaming and the door slams. Unfortunately, Michael and I are rather occupied at the moment. “Syd are you- OH!” She screams as she opens my bedroom door and catches a glimpse of something I’m sure she never, ever wanted to see. Hell, I never wanted her to see it. “OH GOD.” She says as she slams my bedroom door shut again.
Michael looks mortified; I’m livid. I gently push him off of me as I reach for a robe to tie on quickly. “NADIA!” I hiss as I poke my head out of my bedroom. “What the hell was that! Since when do you just barge into my bedroom?”
“Sorry!” She groans, refusing to make eye contact with me. “I was just really excited.”
“About?” I ask impatiently.
“Well, Eric asked me to move in with him.” She says.
“GREAT! Get your stuff! Leave! I beg of you!” I practically shout.
“Okay, ok, I’m going. Jeez Syd, you think finally getting some would make you less cranky... except oh, I forgot, you didn’t get any yet.” She snorts. I lunge at her but she runs away, grabs her bag and then heads back out the door. I dead bolt it behind her. Then, I return to bed and find Michael lying back against my pillow.
“Comfy?” I smile.
“Not without you.” He says. “Did Nadia leave?”
“Yes, luckily I think she got scarred pretty well.” I say as I climb back in bed. “So where were we?” I grin evilly.
“I dunno Syd,” he sighs. “I’m afraid we might get caught again.”
My jaw falls open. “I locked the door! She can’t get back!”
“I know.” He laughs. “And I was kidding.”
“Mean.” I mutter.
“Lazy.”
“Hey!”
Chapter 4
January, 2001
“Hello gorgeous, happy three month anniversary.” He greets me as I open the door to my apartment. He’s caring a handful of roses which I take with a smile.
“Thanks. Happy anniversary to you too.” I say as I kiss him sweetly. Then I walk to the kitchen to put the flowers in water.
“Is that a new dress?” He asks.
“No, its old, I just haven’t worn it in a while. To be honest I couldn’t fit into it anymore.” I roll my eyes.
“Yeah, right.” He laughs.
“It’s true! I was five pounds heavier!” I exclaim.
“My god five pounds! You cow!”
“Shut up.” I smile. “You ready to go then?”
“Um well, maybe I should give you your present first.” He says.
“Michael you don’t have to give me my – oh god!” I gasp and my heart practically leaps right out of my chest when I turn around and see Michael down on one knee in front of me, black velvet ring box in hand. I back up a step and run into the counter and practically start hyperventilating. Michael is just smiling.
“Sydney I know it’s only been three months, but I’m so in love with you. I cannot imagine spending my life with anyone else. I want to be with you forever; more than forever. Will you marry me?” He asks.
Its official: I’m not breathing. I don’t think I can speak. He’s beginning to look worried. SAY SOMETHING! “Yes!” I gasp. Yes? YES! “Yes, yes, yes!” I repeat hysterically with tears pouring down my face.
He gets off the ground and pulls me into a hug, spinning me around in the middle of my kitchen and laughing as he kisses me repeatedly. This is the best feeling in the world. “Oh my god I love you so much.” I sigh as I kiss him.
“I love you too.” He smiles.
“Oh I just... ahhh!” I literally cannot speak. He laughs and slides the most beautiful ring I’ve ever seen onto my left hand. “Ohh Michael...” I sigh.
“You like it?”
“I love it.” I grin.
“Good.” He sighs. “I guess we can go to dinner now.”
“Nope.” I shake my head. “Celebrate first; dinner later.”
~*~
Present Day
I know it sounds crazy, but we were in love. Really, truly in love. It happened so fast with us I don’t even know how it happened it just did. Our parents were so incredibly furious. I can’t even remember how many times I heard the ‘you’re so irresponsible’ speech from my father but in the end they all gave in. They knew we were in love and that they couldn’t stop us so they just stopped. Although, according to Nadia my dad was still skeptical until Michael’s and my second wedding anniversary, then he pretty much left us alone.
Sitting here, I wonder what would have happened if Michael hadn’t of..... I just can’t bring myself to say or think those words but.... would we have had children? Michael and I had been talking about it more and more recently. In fact we were going to start trying, I think. I don’t even know. Besides, its not like it matters anymore. What about Michael and I? Would we have grown old together?
That is perhaps the most heartbreaking thought I’ve ever heard and my tears are now spilling all over my Michael memories box. Quickly, I wipe off the picture that got dripped on with my shirt and then I put it back in the box. I just found a picture of myself, Nadia, and Eric and it appears to be from their wedding. I’m not sure how this got here because I didn’t put anything from after Michael and I were married in these boxes and Nadia and Eric married almost a year after we did but, it’s here. We all look so happy; we were so happy. Sitting here I wonder, how can I ever be happy again?
~*~
September 25, 2005
“What are you doing?” I laugh as Michael traces circles on my stomach. We’re lying in bed, surrounded by our blankets and sheets which where thrown about haphazardly when Michael tackled me upon coming home from work. Hey, I’m not complaining.
“Just admiring.” He sighs.
“Are you?” I laugh.
“Yes, I never get tired of how sexy you are.” He grins.
I giggle girlishly. Seriously five years and I still can’t get enough of this man. I love my husband. “Even after all this time?” I sigh.
“Yes, all this time makes it even more amazing.” He says as he kisses my stomach above my belly button. “I’m hungry.”
I laugh. “We didn’t eat dinner.”
“I know.” He sighs. “Not that I’m complaining.” He grins.
“Of course not. What do you want?”
“Ice cream.”
I laugh. “Because you’re four?”
“Of course. Thirty one, four, that’s the same thing.” He smiles as he gets up and grabs his dress pants to put on.
“What are you doing?”
“Going for ice cream, we don’t have any right?” He asks.
“Just coffee.” I say. He makes a face. “Just because you can’t appreciate good ice cream...”
“Just because you eat gross ice cream...”
“Hey!” I pout as I try to swipe at him but he’s too far away.
“Lazy.” He laughs. I stick my tongue out at him. “Now who’s four?”
“Me.” I giggle.
“Yes. I’ll be back soon.” He says as he kisses me quickly.
“You love me and you know it.” I call after him.
“You’re right I love your lazy ass. Try and make it downstairs by the time I get back.” He winks before walking out the door.
Twenty minutes later I finally make it downstairs and I begin to wonder where exactly my husband went. I call his cell; I get the voice mail. “Babe it’s me, where the hell are you? The ice cream is gonna melt.” I say and then I hang up.
Another twenty minutes and I begin to worry. Then I hear a knock on the front door. He must have forgotten his key. I look out and see dull flashing red and blue lights and I’m confused. When I open the door two officers are standing there. Immediately, my heart drops into my stomach and I stop breathing. “Is... is something wrong?”
“Are you Mrs. Vaughn?” The officer asks.
“Yes...” I croak. “Is there something wrong? Where is my husband?” I ask frantically.
“I’m sorry ma’am, but there was an accident.” The officer says.
“What?” I sob. “Is... is he ok? Is he in the hospital?” I ask.
“I’m sorry ma’am. His car was broadsided by another car. When he was pulled out of the wreckage-”
“NO!” I scream. “NO HE’S OK! HE’S... he’s...”
“I’m very sorry ma’am. Is there someone we can call for you?”
“NO, no, no, no, no, no.” I repeat as I collapse onto the kitchen floor, shaking and sobbing.
Chapter 5
Present Day
I can take no more tonight. Shakily, I push the boxes back underneath the bed, craw underneath the covers and turn off the light. I reach for his pillow and hug it tightly as I cry myself to sleep, missing my husband, the love of my life.
~
I awake in the middle of the night with my neck wrenched awkwardly between a pillow and my hand. I groan as I glance over at the clock; its 2 am. When I roll over onto my other side I’m convinced I catch a glimpse of someone else in that room. Immediately I freeze, my heart rate sky rockets and I break out into a cold sweat. I’m terrified of the dark and even more terrified of things moving in the dark. I’m paralyzed and trying to think rationally. It’s just my imagination, yes, nothing is there. Then it moves again.
Do I have any weapons in reach? No... But quickly I reach for the lamp and light floods the room. As I’m blinking rapidly to try to adjust to the sudden brightness I’m convinced that I will see nothing and that it was my imagination. But, I’m wrong.
“Michael...” I try to speak but I don’t make any noise at all. He’s standing there, but is he? He looks strange, almost like he has a glow. Maybe he’s a ghost... no that’s ridiculous... but... yes, I’m hallucinating, I must be hallucinating. I close my eyes for a few seconds and open them once more. Michael is still standing there, next to the window, looking at me. “Michael...” I try to speak again. This time a quiet noise comes out.
This figure, which I’m still not entirely convinced is real, walks forward and stops at the very edge of the bed. “Sydney.” It echoes all around the room like a distant whisper. Now I’m really freaking out.
“What.... I... wha-” I croak, still really not being able to comprehend this.
“Sydney is ok.” He says. Its Michael’s voice I know it. It’s clearer too, less distant.
“Michael? What?” I cry.
“Shh its ok.” He says as he sits down on the bed. It’s strange, I see him sit but, I can’t feel it. All the other times he sat down on the bed it rocked violently but now, it’s as if he’s floating. I want to reach out, touch him to see if he’s real or not but I doubt my heart could take it either way.
“Michael you left me.” I sob finally.
“I know. I’m sorry.” He says. “It wasn’t my choice.”
“What do you mean?” I ask. This is surely the most surreal moment of my life: I’m conversing with my dead husband.
“It was my time.” He says simply.
“But... what am I going to do without you?” I whimper. “I love you.”
“I love you too Sydney, I always will. And I’ll never leave you, I promise. I’ll be watching over you for always. No matter where you go, I’ll be there.” He says.
“What about us Michael?” I ask; he doesn’t answer, he just looks away.
“I should go.” He says.
“No, please, wait.” I beg. I crawl closer to him on the bed. “What’s it like?”
“What?”
“I don’t know.” I sigh and look down. I mean heaven but I don’t want to say it and sound stupid.
“It’s nothing without you.” He says. I look up at him and see that sparkle in his eyes that makes me smile for the first time in five days. I can’t help it; I have to try. Slowly I reach out my hand towards his face. I can see my hand touching his jaw but I can’t exactly feel it. It’s solid but its not.
“I miss you.” I choke out.
“I miss you too.” He says. I look down and see that he’s still wearing the same clothes as the last time I saw him. I smile softly as I trace my hand down his chest and feel his firm abs just like they always are. His hand comes up and brushes my cheek. This time it feels more real; its soft and warm and it brushes a few of my tears away.
I nuzzle my face down into his hand and kiss his palm before looking up to him. Suddenly, before I know what’s happening, his lips are on mine and I’m shedding my clothes faster than I thought was possible. It feels so real and yet, I’m still not entirely sure that’s possible.
~*~
I wake up the next morning with my head resting on Michael’s pillow just like when I went to sleep. The lamp is on, but the room is otherwise illuminated by sunlight flooding through the blinds. Slowly, I sit up. Its official, I’m more confused than I’ve ever been in my life. Either last night was real or that was one hell of a dream. I slide from the bed and stumble towards the shower, trying to push the activities of the previous night out of my mind for they will only cause more pain.
~*~
May 2001
“Syyyyyd.” Michael groans when I slid out of his arms. “Where are you going?”
“Shower.” I say.
“What time is it?” He asks sleepily.
“Eight.” I tell him.
“On a Saturday?”
“Now who’s lazy?” I laugh. He just grunts.
A few minutes later he joins me in the shower, grabs the shampoo and starts rubbing it into my scalp. “Have I mentioned that I love it when you do that?” I sigh.
“Only once or twice.” He says.
“Yes.” I sigh.
“So I was thinking.... we should pick a date for our wedding.”
“That anxious to marry me hmm?” I smile.
“Of course, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I was teasing.” I say.
“Oh.” He laughs. “So...”
“How about early September?” I smile.
“I like it.” He says.
“Me too.”
Chapter 6
After my shower, I dress in sweats, make my way downstairs and begin to rummage in the cabinets for something to eat. I really need to go to the grocery store. Oh well, I’ll go later. I don’t really feel like going now.
My boss practically ordered me not to come into work for at least another week. So I have absolutely nothing to do. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Probably, it’s bad. I know she meant well but, I think I need work to distract me right now. Otherwise, I’m left alone with my thoughts... of him.
“Syd, you here?”
It’s Eric. “Yeah, in here.” I call from my spot on the couch.
“Hey, how are ya?” He smiles.
“Lousy.” I say. I’m beginning to think that question is really a rhetorical comment people feel obligated to make.
“Oh...yeah... did you sleep ok?” He asks.
Oh boy, how do I answer that one? “Sorta.” I say evasively.
Eric raises an eyebrow at me. “Syd, you know you can talk to me right?”
“I know.” I sigh. “It’s just... I had this dream...”
“About Michael?” He asks.
“Yes... but... it wasn’t just a dream, I was talking to him about him dying.” I say.
“What did he say?”
“I dunno.” I sigh, even though I really do. For some reason, I just can’t share this with Eric. “But I just.... I’m so confused... I don’t even know what to do anymore.” I sob. Eric sits on the couch beside me and puts an arm around my shoulders.
“I know.” He sighs. I lean over and rest my head on his shoulder while he rubs my back softly.
~*~
September 25, 2005
“Syd? Sydney what happened?” I hear Nadia saying as she rushes in my house, past the police and over to me. I’m crumpled up on the floor against the cabinets. A few seconds later Eric crouches down beside me. “Sydney.” Nadia repeats.
“Michael’s dead.” I blurt out, those words nearly killing me to say.
“What?!” Nadia gasps. Then she looks from the police man who’s looking solemn, to Eric and then back to me finally, looking horrified. “Oh god Sydney.” She sobs as she hugs me tightly. Eric hugs us both for a few minutes as we all cry but then he stands and walks over to the police man. I know I shouldn’t listen; I don’t want to know how it happened. But I also know that I couldn’t move even if I tried.
“What happened?” He asks hoarsely.
“From what we can tell, Mr. Vaughn was stopped at a red light. A man who was intoxicated with something, we’re not sure what yet, ran through the intersection, swerved around and then ran into the driver’s side door of Mr. Vaughn’s car. The cars then burst into flames.” The officer sighs.
With this, I breathe in sharply and collapse further down onto the kitchen floor. I start sobbing even more hysterically then before and Nadia tries to calm me down. It’s no use.
“Both cars were on fire?” Eric chokes out.
“Well the car that hit Mr. Vaughn’s burst into flames and then the fire spread. But preliminary reports show that Mr. Vaughn was probably killed instantly; he didn’t suffer.”
They need to stop immediately. I can’t take it anymore, but I can’t even speak I’m crying so hard.
“Is there anything we need to do officer?” Eric asks.
“Not tonight, you all have been through enough. But the body needs to be claimed and sent to a funeral home.” He says.
“I’ll do all that.” Eric says loud enough for me to hear. Good, I couldn’t handle that.
“Alright then, I’ll leave the information with you then. I am truly sorry for you loss. Goodnight.” The officer says as he leaves; I hear a door shut.
“Come on Syd, we need to get you upstairs.” Nadia says as she sniffs back some tears.
“No.” I choke. “He was just going for ice cream... he didn’t have too.”
“I know Syd, I know.” Nadia sighed. I feel someone scoop me up of the floor; it must be Eric. He takes one step towards the stairs and I scream.
“NO not upstairs not without...” I cough on my own tears.
“Okay Syd, it’s ok.” Eric sighs as he takes me to the couch and sets me down.
“Michael.” I sob as I curl my body into the fetal position and rock myself back and forth. Nadia curls up on the couch beside me and hugs me; Eric sits on the floor next to us.
“We’re not leaving you Syd.” He says quietly.
Chapter 7
They’re right in what they say... with each passing day it gets easier. It’s still not easy; it will never be easy but it is easier. I can breathe a little bit better, still not the same, but better. I have more motivation to get out of bed in the mornings. I’m starting to smile again and laugh occasionally, although Eric is the only one who has made me laugh which is fitting.
Michael’s stuff is still around the house though. His clothes are still in the closet next to mine. His shoes are still neatly lined up on the floor of the closet. His towel still hangs next to mine in the bathroom. I haven’t touched any of it. My mom keeps offering to come and help me pack it away but I can’t; not yet. Removing his things will make it too real for me, and I just don’t think I can handle that right now.
With his clothes still in the closet I can occasionally slip back into that delusion if I need some comfort. He’s not here yet, I tell myself. He’s running late. He’ll be here though. He will. I know it’s unhealthy and that a therapist would have a field day with me, but its how I am, so sue me.
It’s been almost two months since the funeral. Well, fifty six days since the funeral and sixty one since I’ve seen him. In some ways that seems like forever but in others it feels like only a second has passed. Some days have been good days. Like the day Nadia called me and told me that Eric had super glued his hand to his desk at work. It was a metal desk so he was stuck and she called me so we could go down and laugh at him while the paramedics freed his hand. That was a good day. I’m not sure which was funnier: the fact that the paramedics were laughing so hard they could barely get his hand loose or the fact that Eric was yelling at everyone for making fun of him because what he did was quote ‘not that stupid’. Yeah, that was a good day. Other days however.....
~*~
September 26, 2005
I wake up and Nadia is still curled up beside me, asleep. Eric is laying flat on the floor beside the couch, also asleep. I slide away from my sister and gently step over Eric as I make my way to the bathroom. Upon seeing my red eyes and tear stained cheeks in the mirror I realize that my nightmare is actually a horrific reality.
I barely make it three steps out of the bathroom before I collapse on the floor screaming which of course wakes Eric and Nadia. I don’t even know what’s happening to me anymore. I feel like I’m living outside my body and just watching this all play out.
“Sydney?” Nadia asks as she comes over to me. She’s still sleepy but she’s trying to get a hold of herself.
“He’s gone! It’s not fair!” I scream.
“I know sweetie.” She says as she tries to pull me into a hug.
“No don’t touch me!” I shout as I back away. “He’s gone. It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair...” I repeat. Nadia looks like she’s about to cry again and Eric just looks confused. Suddenly I’m angry, I’m furious and I just want to break something. “Why is he gone!” I shout, as if the universe will have an answer for me.
Eric and Nadia just exchange glances; not knowing what to say. I cry and scream for a few more minutes, basically throwing a tantrum right there in my kitchen until they finally calm me down.
“Ok here’s what we’re going to do.” Eric says. “I’m going to call Michael’s school and explain what happened, then I’m going to call all three of our works and tell them we won’t be in today. Nadia go... make her take a shower or something, it will help.”
Then Nadia leads me up the stairs but I freeze at the entrance to our bedroom. I can’t go in there, I just can’t. “Syd.” Nadia says quietly.
“I can’t; I can’t.” I whimper as I shake my head.
“Yes you can.” She says. Slowly I walk in and see the bed still a mess from when Michael and I left it. My knees give out and I collapse onto the carpet, bringing Nadia down with me. “Syd, Syd, its gonna be ok Syd.” She says.
“No it’s not.” I whimper. “No....”
~
I don’t remember how but I got into the shower and managed to wash my hair relatively well. Nadia laid clothes out for me on the bathroom counter and I slowly change into them. I don’t comb or dry my hair. What’s the point, really?
When I walk back out into my bedroom I see my mom standing there crying with Nadia; she must have called her. “Mom.” I whimper. She looks up and crosses the room in a second, pulling me into a tight hug.
“Oh Sydney.” She sighs as she strokes my wet hair. She just holds me for a few minutes before the three of us walk downstairs where my dad is talking to Eric. Dad hugs me too and says he’s sorry. Sorry, what does that even mean anymore?
They help me into a kitchen chair and give me a cup of coffee which frankly, I’m not very interested in right now but I take a small sip to appease them.
“Michael’s school said they want us to come down as soon as possible and pick up his things.” I hear Eric tell Nadia quietly.
“What?” She gasps.
“They weren’t very polite or considerate about it either.” He sighs.
“I’ll go.” I say.
“No, Sydney you-”
“I want to go!” I say louder.
“Okay.” Nadia sighs. “I’ll go with you.”
“I’ll go to the funeral home and...” Eric says.
“I’ll go with you.” My dad tells him. Michael’s father died when he was young and his mother passed away last year; he had no siblings so... its just us.
Nadia combs my hair and puts it in a pony tail before driving me to Michael’s school. Walking down those halls was difficult. Nadia held onto me the whole way. The secretary told us that his things were still in his classroom. It’s truly unbelievable how cold and uncaring they are being. I mean Jesus, my husband died less than twenty four hours ago and they’re practically yelling at me.
The kids in Michael’s classroom are very somber. A few of the girls look like they’re crying too. They must have been told what happened. They know me, or at least they appear to because the second I enter the room all the quiet whispers stop and they just stare. One girl, a tall blonde who was sitting in the front row, gets off her seat and picks up a box from the desk. She sniffs back a few tears as she walks over to me and hands me the box.
“I’ve had him for two years now. He was my favorite teacher.” She whispers. “I’m really, really sorry Mrs. Vaughn.”
“Thank you.” I croak out. And then we turn to leave.
~*~
Present Day
Today is Thanksgiving although, I’m really not thankful for anything right now. Frankly, I don’t feel like going at all. I’ve already thrown up this morning, but I don’t know why. There was a bug going around my office though, maybe I caught it. Oh well, at least that’s an excuse to not gorge myself at dinner. The phone’s ringing.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Syd where are you?” Nadia asks.
“I’m just leaving now; I’ll be there in ten minutes.” I say.
“Okay, see you then.” She says and then we hang up.
The first holiday without him... is today over yet?
Chapter 8
The family atmosphere just isn’t the same. Everyone’s quieter and we all keep glancing at the vast empty space next to me at the table. Physically, its not very big at all but it feels huge.
“Sydney, you’re not eating.” My mother says it her utmost motherly tone.
“Sorry Mom.” I sigh. “I’m just not that hungry.”
“You’re not? Are you sick?” She asks. I just shrug. Truthfully, I haven’t been eating much lately. I just don’t have any appetite.
~*~
September 27, 2005
“Syd, there’s gonan be a trial.” Eric tells me quietly. “We need to know if.”
“No,” I say quickly. “I can’t go.”
“Okay.” Eric says.
We’re silent for a few minutes before I ask quietly. “Who was it?”
“What?”
“Who did it?” I say again, determination in my voice this time.
“Syd, I don’t-”
“Who?” I demand as I look up at him.
“I don’t know his name.” Eric said. “The police say it was a homeless man-”
“Homeless?!” I shout. “Then why the hell was he driving a car!”
“He stole it.” Eric explains. “He was drunk and high on something and he stole the car and was driving it around.”
I shake my head as I collapse down on the couch. I don’t know what else to say anymore; I shouldn’t have asked. But I did anyway....
~
“Ah, Mrs. Vaughn, I am so sorry.” The lawyer sighs when I enter his office. I have to hear Michael’s will. They made me come.
“Thank you.” I say quietly. It’s become an automatic response. Someone says they’re sorry; I say thank you. It’s happened dozens of times over the past two days. Neighbors, friends, coworkers, everyone. Do they even mean it? Do I? One of these times I’m just going to snap and scream at them. You’re not sorry! You barely even knew him! Do you cry yourself to sleep at night? Do you beg God every second of every day to give him back? Do you wish you had been the one instead of him?
“Well this is fairly straightforward.” The lawyer begins. “Mr. Vaughn has left all his property to you Mrs. Vaughn.”
“Okay.” I say quietly.
“We’ll just need you to sign a few things and then you can go. Oh and there’s this.” He says as he holds up a plain white envelope.
“What is it?” I ask.
“A letter your husband wanted you to have.” He says. A lump rises in my throat and I glance over at my mother who came with me. She just looks unsure. Slowly, I take the letter from the lawyer and put it in my purse. There’s no use in me loosing all control right here in the middle of this poor, unsuspecting man’s office.
The whole drive home I keep thinking about the letter. The second we get home I bolt from the car and run past Nadia and Eric, who are in my kitchen, and up to my bedroom where I lock the door. The sheets and covers of the bed still haven’t been disturbed so I crawl inside and curl up with the pillows as I take the letter out of the envelope and unfold it.
My dearest Sydney,
Already I’m crying; this doesn’t bode well.
My dearest Sydney,
If you’re reading this, it means that I’m not there beside you and I’m sorry, truly sorry that I’m not there. I don’t know when or how it happened but whatever it was, I know it was far too soon because nothing short of forever would be long enough to be with you. Today, the day I’m writing this, is July 1, 2005. You might wonder why exactly I’m doing this. Well, yesterday we talked about children more seriously than we ever spoke about them before. And so, I’m thinking and hoping that soon we will be starting a family of our own. If you’re reading this, we probably don’t though, because if we did I would make sure to write a letter for our little baby too. But maybe you’re pregnant I don’t know. I promise, I’ll stop rambling now.
Anyway, there are just a few things that you should know or that I want to say to you.
First, I love you and I’ll always love you not matter where we are, no matter how far apart. I always will.
Second, coffee is not a breakfast food seriously, a piece of toast won’t kill you.
Third, use the laundry basket not the floor, lazy. And if I see that you’re dropping your wet, used bath towel on the floor, I’ll haunt you, I swear I will.
Fourth, I have a box too, of memories. It’s masquerading as one of the shoe boxes in our closet. Go ahead, look at it. Just don’t laugh at me.
Fifth, I want you to move on Sydney. I want you to be happy. Find someone else you love, marry them, maybe have a family. Its what you deserve. You deserve a life of happiness. Just promise me one thing? Never forget me ok? Never.
I love you for always, think of you forever, and protect you from wherever I am. My lover, my friend, my wife, my Sydney.
Love, Michael xoxo
It took me ten minutes to get through the letter since I had to keep pausing to get tissues. I’m now crying harder than ever before. What am I going to do without him?
~*~
Present Day
“Sydney are you alright?” They ask me.
“What? Yeah...”
“You’re crying.” Nadia says.
“Am I?” I ask as I bring my hands up to my face. My cheeks are wet. “Oh... I’m fine.” I sniff as I wipe away the tears. A few minutes later the smell of the turkey and stuffing sends another wave of nausea through me. I bolt from the table and empty my stomach contents into the toilet. Man, I hate being sick.
A few minutes later there’s a knock on the bathroom door. “Sydney?” It’s my mom.
“Yeah.” I say hoarsely.
She opens the door slowly and kneels down next to me on the floor. She feels my forehead. “You’re not warm.” She says.
“I know, I just don’t feel good.” I sigh. “Maybe I caught something.”
“You should go to the doctor.” She says.
“I’m fine.” I sigh. “Really. But if it’s not better by Saturday I swear I’ll go to the doctor.”
“Okay sweetheart.” She says.
Chapter 9
Well, it’s Saturday and I threw up on Friday morning and this morning so I made an appointment with the doctor. It’s really odd.... I don’t feel that sick. The only thing that hurts is my lower back.... maybe I have the flu.
The doctor’s asking me some really strange questions. I’m kinda tired and it’s early so I’m confused but then it hits me. “You think I’m pregnant?!” I gasp in confusion. Suddenly, I feel sick again.
The doctor chuckles softly. “It’s a possibility Mrs. Vaughn....”
“I thought it was just stress! My husband just died!” I exclaim.
“Oh,” he says sadly. “I am sorry. We’ll we’re going to do a blood test to be sure.” He tells me.
“Okay.” I sigh. I’m really not sure what to think about this.
~*~
The doctor took my blood and promised to call me tomorrow with the results of my test. Great. I get to sit here and obsess over it. Fabulous. Oh well at least this is an excuse to vacuum the house.... again. I swear the house is even cleaner than when Michael lived here. Every time I feel like I’m about to cry I scrub something or vacuum something. It’s nice actually, because it keeps me saner and the house cleaner. I mean, Michael was neurotic but he didn’t have enough time to be this bad.
~*~
August 4, 2001
“Syddddd come on, are you ready yet?” He whines at me.
“In a minute jeez.” I sigh. “I don’t know why we have to do this anyway...”
“You don’t know why we’re cleaning our new house before we move in?” He asks me as if I asked him the most obvious question in the world like ‘why are you wearing pants?’
“No, I realize we must clean it but I didn’t realize we had to disinfect it so that surgeries could be performed there.” I say as I gesture towards the bucket of cleaning supplies that he has in his hands.
“Haha you’re so funny.” He says dryly.
“I’m serious.”
“Syd, other people have lived there and done God knows what there.” He shivers. “We’re cleaning it.”
“Fine.” I sigh and then I follow him out the door.
~
“So what is my task, oh clean one?” I ask once we walk into our new house. I love that: our new house.
“Well task number one is quit mocking me.”
“Aye aye captain.” I say as I salute him. He rolls his eyes at me.
“Bathrooms.”
“Nooooooooo unfair!” I whine.
“Then you shouldn’t have mocked me.” He smiles. I pout. He gives in and says I only have to do the downstairs bathroom and then I kiss him.
“EW this is sick.” I begin to complain. “God, didn’t these people ever clean?! Why did we buy this house again?”
“Because you liked it.” He says. “And you really, really wanted it and if I do recall you were very, very persuasive.”
I giggle. “Yes I remember.”
“Besides this is fun.” He says.
“Fun? Define fun.” I groan.
“We can make it fun.”
“Oh yeah? I’m listening...”
~
“You were right, that was fun.” I sigh we return to our apartment later that evening. I’m referring to the fact that we christened our new home on the kitchen floor after it was disinfected, of course, by Michael my fiancée slash male maid.
“Yep.” He smiles.
“We should do it again.” I smile.
“Well we still have to clean the upstairs.” He grins.
“Excellent.”
~*~
April 20, 2002
“Honey I’m ho- What the hell?!” He shouts when he comes in the door.
“Hey baby.” I bound down the stairs and into his arms, giving him a kiss. “How was your conference?”
“What the hell happened here?!” Michael gasps as he looks around the kitchen where there are dirty dishes everywhere and a few spills on the counter.
“Um...” I say as I slowly back away from him.
“Sydney Anne Vaughn!” He exclaims.
“Sorry.” I say sheepishly.
“I’m away for two days and the place goes to hell...” He mutters as he throws down his suitcase and walks over to the sink. “unbelievable...”
“You don’t have to do it now. I mean you just walked in.” I tell him.
“But that’s not the point Sydney. The point is your laziness.”
“Laziness!” I exclaim.
“Yes laziness. You’re so god damn lazy Sydney. Would it kill you to put something in the dish washer and god forbid turn it on?!” He snaps at me.
“Jerk.” I mutter as I stomp up the stairs and slam the door to our bedroom.
Fifteen minutes later I hear the door creak open. I’m lying in bed with my back to the door; he slips in beside me. “I’m sorry.” He says.
“I’m sorry too.” I say quietly. “I’m really trying to be better about stuff like that but I got distracted one night and then the pile just got bigger...”
He laughs softly. “You’re so lazy.”
“I know.” I say as I roll over and kiss him sweetly. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too.”
~*~
Present Day
“Hello?” I answer the ringing phone.
“Mrs. Bristow? I have the results of your blood test.”
My heart skips a beat. “Oh, ok...”
“Well congratulations you’re pregnant.”
Suddenly I feel both ecstatic and horrified at the same time. Is that possible? “Oh, thank you!” I say, my voice surprisingly cheerful.
“Do you have an OB/GYN? I can suggest one if you-”
“No I have one thank you. I’ll make an appointment right away.” I say.
“Alright, congratulations again Mrs. Vaughn.”
“Thanks.” I say as I hang up. Before I have a moment to think I immediately make an appointment with my OB/GYN for two days later. Oh god.... I’m pregnant.... I don’t.... I don’t even know what to think of that right now.
Chapter 10
“Sydney Vaughn?” The nurse calls. I get up slowly from my seat in the waiting room and follow the nurse back through the narrow, alcohol smelling corridor. I hate coming to this doctor... I swear I’d rather have all my fingernails pulled off. Oh well. They give me a gown to change into. Fabulous.
“Good Afternoon Mrs. Vaughn.” The doctor smiles at me. “Congratulations on your pregnancy.”
“Thank you.” I say.
“Do you know how far along you are?” She asks.
“No, I was hoping you could tell me.” I say honestly. I’ve been wracking my brain about that for the past two days. When did I get pregnant? How far before the accident?
“Alright.” The doctor smiles.
After the examination she writes a few things down on her chart as she talks to me. “Everything looks perfectly fine. I’m going to give you a list of dietary suggestions and some prenatal vitamins. You appear to be about ten weeks along so your baby was probably conceived around the first or second of October. Does that ring any bells?”
My heart shatters again and sinks to the pit of my stomach. This must be reflected in my face because the doctor looks horrified and asks what is wrong. “My husband’s funeral was on October first.” I say quietly.
“Oh I am terribly sorry.” She says quickly. “But you know that’s just a guess. Give or take a few days.... I am very sorry.”
“It’s alright.” I sigh.
“Well I’ll leave then so you can get dressed.” She says before she walks out.
~*~
The whole drive home I’m obsessing. Yes, she said that it was only a guess but still her first reaction to when our baby was conceived was October first or second. My mind keeps going back to that dream I had. It was so real. I’ve had dreams like that before but none of them were as real as that one.
I’m going crazy. This is impossible. Our baby was conceived the night of Michael’s accident, yes, that’s right. The doctor was just a few days off. But still...
For the rest of the evening I spent hours pouring over information on pregnancy and babies on the internet which succeeds in scaring me entirely. How am I going to do this all alone? I knew that together, Michael and I could handle it.
~*~
May, 2003
“I feel so bad for Eric and Nadia.” I sigh as I flop down on the couch.
“I know, me too. But they didn’t even know she was pregnant... they said it was only like five weeks.” Michael says.
“I know, but I still feel bad.”
“Yeah...”
“Do you think they’ll try for another baby?” I ask.
“No.” He laughs. “Did you see the look on Eric’s face? I thought he was going to have a coronary right there.”
“Yes.” I laugh. “That was priceless. If only we had captured it on film.”
“Yeah that would be great. But, I think it’s too early for Eric and Nadia to have babies.”
“You’re probably right.” I say.
“What about us?”
“What about us?” I ask.
“Well... is it too early for us to have babies?” He smiles.
“Michael...” I say in a sort of giddy, giggly way.
“What?” He asks.
“I don’t know... I mean... yeah, I think it’s a little early but... I’d like to have a baby.” I smile.
“Babies.” He corrects.
I laugh. “Okay babies.”
He leans over and kisses me. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“I can’t wait to see you all beautiful and pregnant.” He says as he puts his hands on my stomach.
“Because normally I’m ugly.” I say.
“No of course not. You’re already beautiful so being pregnant is going to make you even more beautiful.” He grins.
“Uh huh.” I smile. “It will be fun though, right?”
“Of course.” He says. “We can hold her or him together and watch her grow up. I can’t wait.”
“Me neither.” I smile.
~*~
Present Day
Together, yes. But alone... its so much responsibility. And with work...
Well, it’s too much to think about tonight. But, there is one thought that give me comfort. Now, I’ll have a piece of Michael with me forever. This baby, our baby, will be a constant sign of what he meant to me, what he means to me, what he’ll always mean to me; our love. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Still, as I brush my teeth I grow sad once more. Not because I have to do it alone, but because Michael will miss it. He’ll miss everything. The birth, first steps, first birthday, first words, first days of school, soccer games, swim meets, graduation.... everything. And that breaks my heart. I almost laugh at this thought. My heart has broken so much in the past ten weeks I don’t think it’s ever been repaired. So each time those tiny pieces break more and more and more until one day I’m afraid they’ll be too small to be put back together.
“Oh Michael... I wish you were here.” I sigh as I slide underneath the covers of our bed.
~
“Sydney, Sydney.”
I hear my name echoing through the room and I wake up. Its about 2 am and I groan and roll over onto my back.
“Sydney.”
I hear it again and this time I sit bolt upright and try to see in the darkness. It’s a full moon and there is snow outside so a faint light is filtering through the windows. I can see a figure by the window and simply from the way he’s standing I know it’s him. “Michael...” I sigh.
“Hey.” He says quietly.
I reach for the light and turn it on. “What are you doing?”
“You wished I was here didn’t you?” He smiles as he sits down on his side of the bed.
“So you’re my fairy godmother now are you?” I laugh.
“No.” He shakes his head. “I prefer guardian angel.”
“Alright then.” I smile. “Do you know?”
“Yeah. I’m so happy Syd. You’re going to be a great mother.”
I look down. “I hope so.”
“I know so.” He says. I look up at him. “You are Sydney, you are. You’re going to be fabulous.”
“Well... I wish you could be here.”
“So do I.” He says. “But I swear, one way or another, our baby will know that Daddy loves him or her.” He smiles.
I smile to. “What do you want? A boy or a girl?” I ask as I lean back against the headboard.
“Well... we only get one shot at it right?” He says. Immediately I look away and try to hide my tears from falling. “Oh Syd, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that...”
“No, its ok you’re right.”
“What do you want?” He asks me.
“I don’t know. I can’t decide if I want a pretty little girl or a boy who looks just like you.” I tell him.
“Maybe we’ll get twins.”
“Oh god.” I groan. “I don’t know if I can handle that.”
He’s quiet for a moment before he says. “I need to go.”
“Are you sure you can’t just lay down and wait until I fall back asleep?” I ask.
He smiles. “I got in trouble for that last time.” He says.
I smile softly. “Alright then. Goodbye, I’ll see you soon I hope.” I say. But I blink and he’s gone again.
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Chapter 11 - 20